Getting over past hurts and current hang-ups

[AnnabelMore]

My gf's husband had a problem with self-control in sexual situations for a good long while. This eventually almost led to the dissolution of their marriage, which is when he finally woke up and committed to changing.

He let her set the rules and pace going forward. They withdrew from outside encounters completely for a while, then went back in with guidelines (no bdsm activities with other women without getting an explicit ok from her, for example) just for him since he was the one with the problem. He still occasionally messed up, in which case she would yank back on the leash, so to speak, and revoke his outside contact privileges for a period of time to show him what his lack of control would get him.

It all sounds a little messed up, like she was "training" him, but it was coming from a place of love, desire to figure out a way forward, and acknowledgment of difficult to fix but impossible to live with issues on his end. Things have since gotten MUCH better now, to the point that he still checks in with her but she trusts him to do pretty much whatever because he's proven himself and really reformed.

 

[IndieSolo]

To update a bit, I reached out to Kia, and she is pretty horrified/mortified by the situation. We're talking it out. I feel better. I still want to pursue at least friendship before she leaves. Bill is very remorseful. He feels terrible about it.

So, you're letting them both get away with it?

That shit just wouldn't fly with me. Your sister was there, having a conversation, on the same couch! My goodness! You sound a bit desperate, I hate to say, to be putting up with that shit. I would rather choose to have self-respect and people with integrity in my life over potential sex partners. Why so forgiving?

 

[AnnabelMore]

To be fair to Kia, she likely knew that other kinky people were there, and may not have had any inkling that the sister and BIL were the exceptions. I think she showed poor judgement in initiating contact, for several reasons, and hopefully she's learned from this. But it was Bill who KNEW this was not okay, and yet went along with it. So I can see how she'd assume from that that nothing was amiss. He's the one who seriously bounded across a line here.

I've known a couple of people who were into getting away with sex in public. I just don't know how to resolve the fact that I find them to be caring, respectful folks, and yet they're willing to potentially put other people in extremely awkward positions because they find it hot. What the heck? This is one kink I just can't get behind.

 

[dingedheart]

Annabel, why assume what Kia knew? Ask.

Just a coincidence she had the orgasm as the door shut. I'm guessing he didn't jump up and shake brother-in-law's hand and thank him for coming. What is the etiquette in this situation?

I guess it wouldn't be noticeable if he were lefthanded. Is he lefthanded?

 

[AnnabelMore]

It seemed like a reasonable assumption. I figured the OP would correct me if I were wrong.

 

[arondela]

To be fair to K, she likely knew that other kinky people were there and may not have had any inkling that sister and BIL were the exceptions.

Annabel is correct. Kia didn't quite understand that my sister and her BF weren't into kink. I didn't exactly stand up and announce it at the party, which actually, maybe I should have done. Kia is new to the community, and new to experiences like this, in general, as well. It's really hard for me to place any blame on her, given her inexperience.

She also didn't orgasm as the door was closing behind them (although that would be an impressive feat of timing). He continued playing with her for maybe 5-8 minutes or so after they left. It's hard to capture all the minute details of a situation in a post.

So, you're letting them both get away with it?

That shit just wouldn't fly with me. Your sister was there, having a conversation, on the same couch! My goodness! You sound a bit desperate, I hate to say, to be putting up with that shit. I would rather choose to have self-respect and people with integrity in my life over potential sex partners. Why so forgiving?

I'm perhaps letting him get away with it, but only if you frame it that way. The way I see it, I have two options:

1. I can choose to consciously not forgive him, dole out some sort of punishment, and demand we never see her again. Out of that I gain "self-respect," but I also lose out on an opportunity I wanted too, which is, in essence, punishing myself, as well. (Pursuing her alone doesn't hold the same appeal.)

2. My other option is to forgive and let go of things, chalking it up to a very stupid mistake on his part vs. actual lack of integrity or respect. Then we both move forward, slowly and cautiously, with clearer boundaries. Out of that option is the potential for something really great, which is what I wanted this whole time.

I suppose that could seem like desperation. But let's face it. Amazing, attractive, intelligent women to whom you and your SO are attracted, and who is attracted to both of you, aren't exactly common.

Also, I've been very thankful in the past for the times I've made mistakes and been forgiven for them.

It's something I remain excited about. The challenge is overcoming the hurt feelings and personal insecurities stirred, which I'm well on the road to doing.

 

[dingedheart]

Hey, I didn't see anything you did as letting him or them off the hook. Forgive, work past and eventually forget. Only you can judge the sincerity of the apology and the depth of the remorse. Good for you on option 2.

I know this is a little related, but is it common to have kink parties with family and relatives involved?

 

[SourGirl]

Is it common to have kink parties with family and relatives involved?

Eww. However, some people seem very open with their families. My husband and his family openly joke about sex and such, whereas I really don`t want to have a visual of anyone related to me boning anyone. Kink seems to have that same ability. Some families don`t have a private intimacy about it. To each their own.