Gf and I plus a friend. Need advice about this situation.

[Dante2002]

Ive been in a relationship with my gf for a year and a half now. She is kind of young, 21, Im 30. We are very much in love, spend a lot of time together, share many passions, have plans for the future that are taking shape, its great. She is a very outspoken, fun and quite disciplined person, Im more of slacker with talent and luck.

Not to say that its been perfect. Because of her youth, inexperience, general stubbornness, and the fact that we were both getting over relationships with people from our common circle made ir for a very rocky start, but things shaped up and they are great.

Since the very beginning we hang out with a mutual friend of ours, lets call her patty. She is awesome, she works in the same field we do so we have lots of things in common. We go out together a few times a month and have lots of fun, in a way we have become a little team, always going around being weird and enjoying it. All in all we have chemistry, nothing has happened but we are so close that sometimes people find it weird since theres 3 of us. I have felt sexual chemistry amongst patty and us, we keep trying to put ourselves in situations were sex is a possibility, we dont seem to mention that though. She has even said to me that if she would see us going out with another girl she would be really jealous, though shes is a pretty competitive person. But on my Gfs side, although I think deep down she consideres it, she has expressed jealousy aswell about guys hitting on her, her sexual experiences sort of make her a bit unwilling to open up to those kind of experiences. Also we live in a pretty conservative place, though we ourselves are not conservative at all, but its ingrained somehow.

What do you all think about this situation? Im not someone trying to take advantage, I love my gf very much, I have been a loving, honest and positive partner to my gf. Im just wondering of the extends of this situation as I see it not only exiting but potentially life affirming and enriching. I see people referring to open relationships but thats not what I want, I guess what I want is us, my gf and I plus patty.

 

[Dagferi]

Poly is like using fire to clear brush. The inexperienced and unprepared tend to burn something important down.

Are you willing to destroy your relationship with your girlfriend. You can't put the genie back into the bottle once your let it out. You can't take it back. Even if you decide not to try poly because your gf isn't ready that scary thought that you want other women is going to linger. Besides just because you think there is chemistry with the friend doesn't mean that the friend is feeling the same way too.

 

[GalaGirl]

What do you all think about this situation?

Are you saying...

You feel an attraction to Patty. You keep putting yourself in situations hoping a spontaneous threesome will happen, without asking either of the women if this is something that they are interested in and could it be possible?

Your GF has mentioned to you that if you guys were hanging out so much with anyone other than Patty she would feel competative/jealous? So you think your GF's secretly thought about Patty as a potential partner? Because GF says she's jealous when guys hit on Patty?


If so, I don't find "hinting and hoping" to be as effective as direct communication. I also think you might be projecting you own hopes a little bit there. Better to ask and find out what people are actually thinking/feeling. They may not be feeling the same as you.

I see people referring to open relationships but thats not what I want, I guess what I want is us, my gf and I plus patty.

I think you could figure out if you are up for Closed V, or a Closed Triad, or both. In a V, you are the shared sweetie. The women just date you. They don't date each other or anyone outside the trio. In a Closed Triad, all of you are dating. You date GF & Patty. GF dates you and Patty. Patty dates you and GF. Just that nobody dates anyone outside the trio.

Closed Triads are one of the hardest models to practice. They are basically 3 V's stacked up on top of each other. But if that is what you want?

You have to talk to your GF to see if that's even on the table for her.

• If not, you let the idea go. Or your let this GF go and could try to pursue a trio with Patty and another person.
  
• If GF is up for it, then you both talk to Patty to see if that's on the table for Patty.

If Patty is not up for it? You let the idea go, or you and GF seek a triad with someone other than Patty.

If Patty is up for it, then you guys talk some more to see what sorts of agreements you all find acceptable/realistic before you start trying to date as a trio.

But just because a Closed V or Closed triad are the models you might be up for? Doesn't mean that's the model the others might be up for. Maybe you want to look at Open Models together to better articulate what each of you is and is not up for? It's not a definitive list, but it could be a starting point for conversation.

Galagirl

 

[Bluebird]

I think you are probably projecting your own hopes onto the situation. That said, you could ask your girlfriend if she's ever thought about a threesome. If she is interested, let her suggest someone. Maybe it would be Patty. If you are interested in more than just sex, you could instead ask her about her feelings on polyamory, and if she's ever thought about that.

This could absolutely blow up your relationship. I definitely don't suggest you mention wanting to bang Patty out of nowhere. Also, opening up your relationship could have unintended consequences. Maybe your girlfriend will want another guy. How would you feel about that?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Dante2002,

It sounds like you're hoping for a polyamorous situation, but maybe I'm mistaken? Is it just a threesome that you'd want? Whatever the case, you should probably have a talk with your girlfriend.

Regards,
Kevin T.