Girl does not seem to want an open relationship any longer, not sure what to do

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fiftyeight

New member
I posted earlier about a girl I am going out with, the whole story is on this thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=268600#post268600

I'll make a long story short.
I have been seeing a girl for three months, Let's call the girl I am seeing Girlie.
In these three months we said we can see other people as well.
She has had sex with two guys in the first 1-2 months. The previous thread was about how to deal with the jealousy, well I overcame the jealousy pretty well and I am comfortable with her sleeping with other people. I haven't been with other girls so far, I mostly wanted her to be first because I felt a bit uncomfortable but mostly just had been quite busy and didn't meet many girls I wanted to be with.

Now this is what's new:

I was having a pretty busy time at work recently, and about a week ago she brought up the issue that she wants to label out relationship, as boyfriend and girlfriend. This is mainly bcs she feels conscious about other people knowing we are seeing each other, specifically her parents, and she wants to be able to present me as her boyfriend.
I was a bit anxious about this conversation, mostly because I was not sure what she is implying, and what she is expecting of a "boyfriend", mainly if she expects exclusivity. I told her we'll talk about it more seriously when my busy week ends. And that ended about 3 days ago.

I still haven't been with another girl, a couple of days ago we went out and I was talking to another girl, the girl was pretty cute and was definitely into me and invited me to her house, but Girlie was at the party as well, and I felt a bit too bad going with another girl while she is there, so just took that girls contact details. Girlie knew about that it. Then when we got home after that, she asked if the reason I don't want to have a label is because I want to keep seeing other girls. I said that it is some of it, but also there's the issue of what she expects of a boyfriend. We haven't talked much because we were exhausted after that party we went to.

The communication has not been the best about the whole "seeing other people" thing. Obviously we should have made things much clearer early, we did say we can see other people, but it was not clear whether that was permanent or temporary.
The problem is that I do not if I want it to be permanent or temporary, I will only know how I feel after I actually have physical relations with new girls.

At this point I am unsure of what to do, I am under the impression that she does not really want to do it any longer, and it was something she just tolerated for a while. I am a bit fearful of bringing up that I want to keep doing it, probably since I am afraid of being judged as a "male pig", as there are stereotypes about man who want to have sex with different women.

But also I guess I am expecting she will not want to continue with an open relationship, and I am not sure if I want an exclusive relationship.
The reasons I wanted an open relationship are:
1. I am fearful of the idea of having sex with the same person for my entire life, I think sex with different people can break the routine a bit and provide some variety and "spice".
2. I have not had sex with many different women in my life (in fact, only 2, though I have made out with and kissed a lot of women) and I don't feel like I have "sown my wild oats", i.e that I have gotten out of my system that curiosity and desire for experience.
3. By meeting and being with new women I feel you get a better understanding of what you want from a partner.

I like this girl a lot, but I am afraid if I go into an exclusive relationship these desires will overwhelm me in the long run. And perhaps it is better to let it go until I have had more experience.
Of course if I leave her, I am missing out on the joy of being with her, and she provides me quite a lot of it, and I might not find someone as compatible to me as she is.

Now I have two questions about what to do.
1. Should I discusss these desire with her, I am afraid of being viewed as a "mail pig" as mentioned earlier.
2. If she does not want to continue with an open relationship, should I try an exclusive relationship considering I have these desires?

I know you won't be able to give me a definitive answer, just looking for some guidance on how to decide these
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if it helps any but here's my POV...

The problem is that I do not if I want it to be permanent or temporary, I will only know how I feel after I actually have physical relations with new girls.
Click to expand...

  • I am hearing you do NOT want Closed at this time.
  • You would prefer an Open relationship at this time.
  • Any future changes to that at some future point. Not at this point right now.

Fair enough. You want what you want at this time.

I am under the impression that she does not really want to do it any longer, and it was something she just tolerated for a while.
Click to expand...

You could ASK her if this is something she wants to continue or if she prefers to Close.

Then you see if her want matches up or not with your want to remain Open.

Keep it simple. Don't overthink it.

  • If she is ok with continuing, great. Problem solved enough for now. You both continue. Check in again at some future point. OUT of limbo land.
  • If she wants to Close at this point, great. Problem solved enough for now -- you break up. Out of limbo land.

All the rest of the post to me seems like you doing "what if this" and "what if that" thinking behavior that is basically cranking you up into a tizzy. Could not do that. Nobody can predict the future. What if it GOES WELL? One cannot know the outcome ahead of time. One has to take the leap.

Could focus on the PRESENT DAY.
  • Focus on what you want -- to know where she stands.
  • Focus on what behavior you could do to find that out -- you could ASK HER.

Slow it down to one thing at a time and don't jump ahead predicting future.

Whatever the answer, you can handle it.

You can do this.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Women, please. I'm sure she isn't a minor.
 
It's only been 3 months into this new relationship. Clearly you guys aren't on the same page. Its so early I would just either part ways or continue seeing her more casually. Im not sure why you would be viewed as a male pig. You guys agreed to be open, she got to have sex with two guys and you didn't have sex with anyone. She decided she wants to be in a closed relationship, you want to have fun and not be monogamous to her. If you don't want to be monogamous and she does then she can be monogamous and accept that you won't be or she can go find a monogamous partner.
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if it helps any but here's my POV...



  • I am hearing you do NOT want Closed at this time.
  • You would prefer an Open relationship at this time.
  • Any future changes to that at some future point. Not at this point right now.

Fair enough. You want what you want at this time.



You could ASK her if this is something she wants to continue or if she prefers to Close.

Then you see if her want matches up or not with your want to remain Open.

Keep it simple. Don't overthink it.

  • If she is ok with continuing, great. Problem solved enough for now. You both continue. Check in again at some future point. OUT of limbo land.
  • If she wants to Close at this point, great. Problem solved enough for now -- you break up. Out of limbo land.

All the rest of the post to me seems like you doing "what if this" and "what if that" thinking behavior that is basically cranking you up into a tizzy. Could not do that. Nobody can predict the future. What if it GOES WELL? One cannot know the outcome ahead of time. One has to take the leap.

Could focus on the PRESENT DAY.
  • Focus on what you want -- to know where she stands.
  • Focus on what behavior you could do to find that out -- you could ASK HER.

Slow it down to one thing at a time and don't jump ahead predicting future.

Whatever the answer, you can handle it.

You can do this.

GL!
Galagirl
Click to expand...

A helpful answer, thank you.
 
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