Girl kept kissing someone else from me, even though we have a rule to tell each other

[IndieSolo]

OP, for me, a relationship where there are rules like yours would send me running in the opposite direction as fast as my feet could carry me. I just don't think adults need to set up rules for their partners to adhere to. We don't own the people we love and care aabout, so why would anyone need to report on their behavior with others? It would feel more like a dictatorship than a relationship to me, so I'd be either rebelling or outta there pretty quickly.

 

[Magdlyn]

OP, for me, a relationship where there are rules like yours would send me running in the opposite direction as fast as my feet could carry me. I just don't think adults need to set up rules for their partners to adhere to. We don't own the people we love and care aabout, so why would anyone need to report on their behavior with others? It would feel more like a dictatorship than a relationship to me, so I'd be either rebelling or outta there pretty quickly.

Cindie, can you honestly think "ownership" is the only reason one partner might want to know what the other partner is up to sexually?

What about making sure there is safer sex, just for the basics? Other than that, there are issues of intimacy, trust, ease, caring, connection, joy, compersion, and others. If my partner is always off doing god knows what with god knows whom, I'd start to feel a lot of distance, and wonder why we were still together, if we were operating so separately so often.

 

[IndieSolo]

Honest, forthright conversations are great. Nothing wrong with agreeing to fill a partner in on what's going on sexually, at a level of detail that is acceptably comfortable for all. That is not what I take issue with. For me, a guy who starts off in a new relationship with me by instituting rules, freaking out over some kissing, and then wondering how many chances to give me for divulging information when asked instead of instantaneously issuing an update after kissing someone would indicate a very high level of wanting to be in control that would not sit well at all with me. At only three months in, especially, it's ridiculous to assume any kind of authority or hold high expectations when you're still getting to know each other. If I were the OP's girlfriend, and he exhibited this kind of neediness, it would be over.

I would be perfectly fine with a partner who established their own personal boundaries about what he would or would not want in his life and what kind of behavior he considers acceptable or not. Then it is his choice whether to work around any limitations, difficulties, or quirks I have that result in my behavior falling outside his boundaries - or he can walk away, but I will never accept anyone making Rules about what I do with my body and my life.

 

[GalaGirl]

Here is my 2 cents...

Do you expect there to be a transition time / getting use to things time? I think you could. You have been dating 3 mos.

You could thank her for telling you and let it go for now. She told.

Yes, the agreement is to tell WITHOUT you prompting but you could call this "training wheels time" to help her GET there. Esp since she's struggling with this:

The "scared" part is because she still feels a bit guilty being with other people even though we clarified a hundred times that it is OK.)

Saying something 100 times is not experiencing "ok-ness" 100 times. For her to believe it is truly ok she needs to have both. You saying it is ok and the that "it is really ok" experience with you and not experience you having GRRR with it.

You seem to understand that your response can influence future forthcomings. Like if you wig out over it now, she will be more hesitant to be up front or tempted to lie to not have to deal with your response. Since you want to have her be up front and want to create that climate? Focus on creating that climate. That part you can do. Wait for her to meet you half way. It takes time for her to get over fear. That part is her job. You cannot do it for her, you can only encourage.

Instead of focusing on what did not happen (instant desired OUTCOME!) you could focus on (what progress toward desired outcome from last time?) instead. Baby steps.

She was honest when you prompted, so keep checking in and ask. A weekly check-in is plenty. Not after every party, every day, etc. RELAX.

For managing your OWN transition "nrrrghs! Why isn't this faster?!" come here to vent, not your partner. Comfort IN, kvetch OUT.

You have only been seeing this person for a short while and in your other post you talk about hoping it will STAY open. Help that happen with your behavior.

HTH!

Galagirl

 

[Hannahfluke]

If I had to tell my husband (or any other partner) about people I've kissed in order to be compliant with our agreements, I think I'd be actively working on changing that agreement. Kissing someone isn't that big of a deal, in my opinion. I've kissed people at parties and not had it lead to anything else at all. If I had to try to remember everyone I kissed to report it to my husband, I'd feel like he was trying to micro manage my life.

I do understand why it's important to inform my partners about new people I've had sex with (or even made out with) but to take that and extend it to kissing just feels overboard to me.