Girlfriend of a Polyamorous Marriage - What to Expect?

[TikiTorch]

I'm not even sure where to begin, honestly. I guess, as cliche as this sounds, from the beginning is the best place to start.

I [23F] met this absolutely amazing guy [25M]. It was one of those things where we just clicked immediately, the hours flew by talking to him and it just felt natural and comfortable. We have the absolutely craziest things in common, the things we don't have in common are the small things (i.e. favorite color, favorite food, favorite drink, etc) but the things we have in common are eerily similar.

It got to the point that we were practically reading each other's minds before we could complete a sentence. After a few days of talking/texting, we realized we were developing feelings for each other (neither of us expected that to happen). Before things become too involved, he told me he had to let me know something and he was worried it was change things because he really likes me.

He proceeded to tell me he has a wife and some kids but they are in a Polyamorous relationship (she has a boyfriend, too) and he understood if I wasn't comfortable with that kind of thing but he'd like for me to consider it because he cares about me.

At first, I was a bit stunned because I never thought of that being something I would partake in. It's never something I considered, not that I ever disagreed with it but it just never crossed my mind before. Well, after I thought about it for a couple of minutes, I told him it didn't bother me (which it doesn't).

I really, really like this guy (I think I'm actually starting to fall for him) so I was just wondering what I should expect in being the girlfriend of a Polyamorous marriage? I asked him about any guidelines/rules because I once heard the line "While their Poly may be right for them, it's not our Poly and we do things differently."

All he really told me was that honesty is the biggest thing here, being honest with him as well as myself. He also said he's never done anything outside of his marriage, having a Polyamorous marriage was his wife's idea (her parents are Poly), so everything was going to be new and a learning experience for him as well.

Basically, I'm just wanting any advice or questions I should be asking him to be sure we're both on the same page for this relationship. I care about the guy tremendously but, being in monogamous relationships my entire life, I just want to make sure this is something I'm okay diving into.

Thank you for any help!

-Tiki

 

[Dustytx]

I have a BF (Surfer) who is married to Pixie. I actually met them on the same night. It was supposed to be just sex between us. They are/were swingers so outside sexual relationships were familiar to them, emotional not so much. After a few months Surfer & I both admitted we had fallen for each other. My husband (Cowboy) knew I had an outside relationship. Surfer & I were planning an overnight. Pixie was fine with it but Cowboy wanted to meet Surfer first. He wasn't exactly comfortable with me spending the night out of town with another man. Crazy thing is, Cowboy hit it off with Pixie right away. Fast forward 6 months & we're all very close friends. It's almost a double V situation as Pixie & I are close but not involved sexually.

As in your situation Surfer & I are incredibly similar with shared interests & life experiences. Pixie & Cowboy are the same. Crazy that as spouses each of us is married to an opposite personality.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is not to try & replace your friend's wife. Be honest with yourself & him. Respect what they have as well as yourself. Keep an open mind & don't try to force anything. Let things develop organically. Research poly as you are doing by joining in this forum. Read, read, read about it. Growing up & practicing monogamy in previous relationships has a huge influence on your reactions when venturing into poly so reading the experiences of others is helpful. People have already been through the myriad of emotions & bumps you may find along the way on this journey.

I wish you well with your relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Tiki,

There is a lot to learn about poly and you should start reading a lot, both on this forum and elsewhere. A really good book you should get is, "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

As far as questions to ask him, the one I can think of is, ask if his wife has veto power. That is, has he already agreed to break up with you if his wife tells him to, even if she doesn't give any reasons? One other thing you might want to ask: Will his wife and kids take priority over you? because they probably will. Hopefully his answers will be honest!

I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going. If you do, we might be able to think of further advice for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[IndieSolo]

I think the best thing you can do is figure out what your own personal boundaries are, and communicate them to this guy. What I mean is - what will you accept or not accept in a relationship? No matter whether it is polyamorous or monogamous, you have a right to express yourself and feel heard, to feel safe and able to be yourself, and to be treated respectfully. You don't always have to be the one to bend to scheduling issues that have nothing to do with you, for example. In other words, if he starts to cancel dates with you all the time because of demands from his wife, don't think you have to tolerate that.

You don't need to always defer to the couple as if they are in charge - it's your relationship, so whatever is important to you should matter to him if he expects to keep seeing you and to develop something meaningful with you. All too often we see people come here and say, "In poly, am I allowed to ask for___???" as if poly changes what makes a good relationship good. The basic things apply to all relationships - respect, honesty, and so on.

So, think about what ou want and see if he is willing to give it. It's okay if some negotiating takes places, but don't compromise on the things that are important to you.

 

[AzureKnight]

My situation is similar to yours, my girlfriend is also married; and polyamory is a relatively new experience for me.

I second Kevin's recommendation for "More Than Two". That's a great book -- all the portions I've read have been helpful to me. The blog post "10 Realistic Rules... was helpful too.

I'm glad he emphasized the honesty. That's important. Honest about your feelings/needs/wants, with yourself, and with them. Be prepared for what you want to evolve as you go along -- the new experiences will provide you with new ideas.

I recommend talking with his wife at least once or twice, so that you have some idea of her in your head; gives you some understanding that you otherwise wouldn't have.

Kevin's suggested question is a good one. I'd also ask whether his children are aware of his parents being polyamorous and how public he and his wife want to be about being polyamorous.

Don't be afraid to ask more questions. Ask him, ask the forums, don't forget to ask yourself questions too.

Enjoy the experience. . I wish you all the joys, adventure, and learning.