Girlfriend's dating problems and trans issues

P

Pyuvii

New member
Hey everyone!

I'm in need of some advice, life stories, anything, really. I've got a fairly interesting situation, and it's hard to find people to talk to about trans issues to begin with, forget trans + poly. :p

I'm a cis-female (meaning my genetics/organs/whatever matches my gender identity), but my girlfriend of two years is male-to-female who just started transitioning a maybe five months ago. She also fairly recently reevaluated her sexuality, and came to the realization that she is bisexual.

As I was the first/only person she'd ever dated, I suggested that she go on a casual dates with some guys, or give some of the guys who hit on her a chance. She's a really attractive female, so she gets a decent amount of attention. We long ago discussed all of our poly... discussion... stuff. I don't know terms.

She recently went on a date with a nice guy, who she said she enjoyed spending time with, and they were texting and considering going on a second date, and then she revealed that she was trans, and has since not gotten a text back, and she got really upset.

She's really worried that there won't be a guy for her out there that won't run away once they find out she's trans, and as a cis, I really don't know what to say to comfort her.

She is my pretty princess, and it really makes me sad to see her so upset. :(
 
Getting rejected *sucks*. But there *are* guys, both cis and trans, who are cool with getting involved with trans people, both MtF and FtM. That I know for a fact. What I'm less sure of is what specific advice to give your gf.

My community of friends is very queer-friendly, and very open with each other about our lives, so these sorts of connections come together more naturally. All the advice that comes from my personal life, therefore, would be along the lines of "have a large, diverse group of friends, be open with them, and express interest freely to those that interest you." Buuuut, that might not be at all relevant for your lives.

There must be message boards and support groups specifically for trans women that would address this issue specifically.

Best of luck!
 
That really sucks. I would suggest attending some trans conferences. I just attended one recently with my ex (who is ftm) and his girlfriend (cis-female). There were a ton of transwomen there. It would be a great place to make connections in the community and seek advice for how to deal with straight guys. Personally, I think bi guys or transguys would be would be a good place to start for casual dating. Generally, anyone in the queer community should be pretty accepting and not turned off by someone's trans status. Rejection sucks, though.

I tend to lay everything out on the table before the first date because I don't want there to be any surprises, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.
 
She is on some of those forums, but asked that I not intrude on that, so I haven't joined or looked into any. I have been pushing her to find her own support groups in those areas, and she has been, but I guess I'd just like to know what I can do to help her feel better in times like these. All I know to do when someone's broken up or has been rejected is to offer them chocolates. >.<'

She went to one conference last term in Atlanta, and she really enjoyed it because there were mostly older women there (we're both college students) and they ogled over her and spoiled her silly. X3 I don't think she kept in contact with them, though. ):

I didn't get to go, because it was really really expensive. Gf got a scholarship to go.

We're both also new to the queer community, so we're only just getting to know people there and stuff too.
 
Sometimes they do partial scholarships for partners. (My ex's girlfriend got one to the conference they just went to.)

There are also some free conferences. The only one I know of is Trans-Health Con in Philadelphia in June. But if you're in that area, I'd definitely suggest going to it. All the workshops are free, so that's cool. I'm going with my ex and my sort-of-girlfriend. I'm told a lot of college-age people attend.

You could also look for a support group for yourself. I know my ex's girlfriend is a mod for one on Facebook for partners-in-progress, but I think it's just for partners of FtM folk. If you find one, though, I'm sure they would have some insight on how to help your girlfriend.
 
My gf is transgendered and I am cis gendered/genderqueer. We have been together 4 years. She started fully transitioning just a few months before we met, though she has been extremely femme her whole life.

She is now 35 and I am 57.

My 28-year old lesbian daughter has had 2 transwoman partners as well, strangely enough.

It's not easy being partnered with a transwoman, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Pixi goes through so much emotionally, socially, physically... I feel privileged to be cis and don't mind helping her, though I do get burnt out sometimes.

My gf is kinky and meets some bi guys, pansexual guys, through Fetlife, okcupid, collarme.com, as well as at kink cons. We have been to the Phila Trans Con twice. It is amazing it is free! All you have to do is find accommodations.

The last time we went there was even a class for ciswomen with transwoman partners. It was so great to be in a room with 60 other women like us! (Plus at that con, I got to brush shoulders with Chaz Bono! Squee!)

She does get a lot of flak though, when she chats guys online who start to suspect she is trans and then basically write her off. I just offer a listening ear and snuggles... It's just a fact the dating pool is small for transwomen.
 
This reminds me of a recent question to Dan Savage, I'm going to link to the answer:

Question about telling people you're trans

I know people here have mixed feelings about Dan Savage, but I personally found it to be good advice, AND relevant to being poly, too.
Also, reaction on the advice from Buck Angel here (bottom of the blog post, audio file).

Now, this is a gay trans guy and not a bi trans woman, but I assume that telling people you're trans would have similarities across genders and sex orientations.
 
Oh man! Next time they have a con, I'll definitely try to go with her!

I didn't know there were communities for partners of transpeople. I'ma have to google-fu some of those!

Thank you, guys, for your advice! She went to a modeling try-out thingy today, and got a lot of good feedback, so she's feeling significantly better. =3
 
Yeah, I don't think it's right if she's going on dates with guys who think she's a real female, then she later reveals she's not. It's like coming out of a shop thinking you've purchased one product when in fact they've sold you something else.

There are plenty of dudes out there who have a thing for trans girls (myself included), but you want to know what you're dealing with beforehand.

As people suggested above, there are plenty of sites you can meet people on that go for this sort of thing.

Oh, and also, rejection is a part of life, I'm afraid. Yes, it hurts, but you have to continue being brave and putting yourself out there.
 
ManofDiscovery said:
Yeah, I don't think it's right if she's going on dates with guys who think she's a real female, then she later reveals she's not.
Click to expand...

"Real female," not the best term. Accepted terms are cis-gendered and transgendered. Thanks!
 
ManofDiscovery said:
Yeah, I don't think it's right if she's going on dates with guys who think she's a real female, then she later reveals she's not.

It's like coming out of a shop thinking you've purchased one product when in fact they've sold you something else.
Click to expand...

If a woman is born with a hormone problem and deformed genitalia, which she corrects with hormone pills and surgery, should she be expected to explain her medical history on the first date? Is it "not right" if she waits until she knows if she even likes someone to bring up that sensitive piece of her past?

This isn't any different. Women, whether cis or trans, are nothing like commodities you purchase from a shop.
 
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AnnabelMore said:
If a woman is born with a hormone problem and deformed genitalia, which she corrects with hormone pills and surgery, should she be expected to explain her medical history on the first date? Is it "not right" if she waits until she knows if she even likes someone to bring up that sensitive piece of her past?

This isn't any different. Women, whether cis or trans, are nothing like commodities you purchase from a shop.
Click to expand...

Of course it's different.

Many men would consider a woman from birth to be completely different to a woman who has gotten there from surgery and hormones.
 
ManofDiscovery said:
I don't see the problem. Would you like to explain?
Click to expand...

Your analogy places the woman as a product for you to own. A date is not you "acquiring" someone, it's two people getting to know each other. Being trans is, in my opinion, something that a partner should know about yourself, and part of getting to know each other, but there certainly is no obligation to wear it as a label like a product in a store would have.

While you're dating, you get to know each other, but that can't all happen at once, and of course it can be tricky to know exactly when the right time is to say each thing.

On top of that, you have done it again: you have insinuated that trans women aren't women from birth. They happen to have a penis, but that doesn't mean they're not women (well, they'd start off as girls, obviously, but you know what I mean).

Excluding the case of genderfluid people, who might switch from male to female, or people who do not have a gender at all, generally people have the same gender from the get-go. What their genitals look like, if irrelevant in one case, should be irrelevant in the other, too.
 
Tonberry said:
On top of that, you have done it again: you have insinuated that trans women aren't women from birth. They happen to have a penis, but that doesn't mean they're not women (well, they'd start up as girls, obviously, but you know what I mean).
Click to expand...

I'm not insinuating it. I'm saying it explicitly: trans women aren't women from birth. I don't see how anyone can dispute the fact that a baby born with a penis is not a woman from birth.

My point was that some men are fine with this and some aren't, but you should have the right to know something as fundamental as gender before you meet someone.

The analogy wasn't meant to be about ownership, but about expecting one thing and getting another.
 
Nobody is a woman from birth. A woman is an adult female. You're not adult from birth. Just repeating that part because it annoys me.

You don't seem to know what gender means, otherwise you wouldn't talk about people having the right to know a person's gender. Trans women's gender is female, same as cis women's. Assigned sex at birth might be different, yes, but that's not gender.

I do agree that people should know what someone's private parts look like before they have sex with them, and since sex is an expected component, it should come up at some point. I do think the sooner the better, so you don't end up getting emotionally attached to someone who's only going to end up rejecting you. But it's not lying or hiding anything when a trans woman doesn't say "I have a penis" the first second she meets someone. There is some level of privacy to be expected, and it's a matter of respect not to demand women explain what their genitals look like to people who are still strangers to them. The same would go for men, obviously.

I should probably stop here, as I don't seem I have any chance of convincing you. You seem extremely transphobic and I don't think a conversation between us is likely to get anywhere.
 
Tonberry said:
Nobody is a woman from birth. A woman is an adult female. You're not adult from birth. Just repeating that part because it annoys me.
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This is simply semantics, and I don't know why it would annoy you. Obviously I'm talking about a girl, rather than a woman. It doesn't score you any points in the wider debate.

When a birth is registered, there are 2 options, boy or girl. If the baby has a penis, it is a boy.

To say I'm transphobic because I disagree with you that a person has the right to know something fundamental like gender, or whether a person has changed gender in their life before meeting them in a dating scenario, is ridiculous. It's nothing against trans. It's just that people have certain preferences, and they have a right to know this stuff before getting romantically involved, in my opinion.

Also, you've taken my point about meeting people for a date and tried to make it sound like I'm saying that a trans person has to announce this to every single person in every single social situation. Not true. I'm just saying that if you meet someone under the context of it being a 'date,' where at some point there may be some romantic interest, that's the point when you have to tell them this.

When you make a point and say things like 'You obviously know nothing about gender,' 'This annoys me,' and then attempt to take the higher ground by saying you won't enter into the debate any further. it just shows that you're struggling to express yourself in either a mature or calm fashion.
 
I got the semantics part out of the way because it annoyed me because I'm a grammar Nazi (although this isn't grammar). Of course it has nothing to do with the issue.

Gender is an identity that has nothing to do with what genitals you currently own or have ever owned. That's why I say you know nothing about gender when you state that people "deserve to know the real gender". Their real gender is and always has been female.

The options at birth are not just boy and girl, there is also "intersexed," but that's beside the point. What a doctor decides based on the genitals they see at birth is not gender. It's assigned sex. It's an important distinction, and since it seems you didn't get that from my previous post, I felt I had to at least clarify that last bit.

The reason I call you transphobic is because you have been repeatedly stating that trans women "aren't real women" or that their gender is not female, or that they have "changed their gender." These statements are transphobic and disrespectful.
 
Don't mention it if it's not relevant. It adds nothing to the debate.

Same as when you talk about 'sex' and 'gender'. You can talk about definitions all you want, but my belief is this: if someone is meeting someone that he believes is a woman for a date, he deserves to know if she was once classified as a boy or a man.

I'm not saying that trans women aren't 'women' as such, but there is a difference between a trans women and a woman who was born as a woman (sorry, I mean girl... very important that).

Your definitions of sex and gender imply that a person can be classified sex male, but gender female. Is that what you're getting at? If that's the case then you can replace all my previous versions of the word gender with sex.

You seem to like to debate details that make little difference to the overall argument, almost as a smokescreen to make your initial point more correct: 'See, if I'm right on all this other stuff, then I must be right on everything.'

I will restate the point-- just because my understanding of every single definition around (of which there are many) may be slightly out of kilter with what's in the dictionary (or indeed, your dictionary), does not make me 'transphobic.'
 
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