I am a married woman. I love my husband, we have a one year old daughter and a happy home. My husband is my best friend and I love him deeply. That being said, I have also suffered deep struggles of wanting other men and feeling like a terrible person for having unfulfilled sexual desires. When I was 19 I had been with "Vinny" (my husband) for 2 years and had my first experience of cheating. I fell in love with another man who I had a deep connection with and even though he knew I was in a relationship "Lex" adored me and we had a very hot affair. I broke it off because I felt awful, a slut. I thought id never do that again. I have never cheated on Vinny again but over the years ive developed crushes on other men that ive dutifully squashed again and again, stuffing my desires in a box and totally beating myself up. Recently I found Lex on facebook and realized my desires are never going to go away. Lex is married and not interested in a sexual relationship but reliving our affair put me thru a whole slew of emotions and realizations. I have been sexually frustrated my entire adult life thinking I'm a bad person for my feelings. Discovering I'm want polyamory in my life is healing but I have a long road ahead....
Good to know Im not a bad person for my desires
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Len51
New member
Unless your husband, a nice Italian man like me, is on board, you have a serious problem. In my case I was the one wanting other women and dating a few after I married. At one point I left my wife for another women but came to my senses two months later. My wife's solution was to invite her best girlfriend to have sex with me in our home and that ended up in a FFM threesome which then became a Poly Triad that lasted 38 years. What was a very bad situation turned into a wonderful life that I would not trade for anything.
It may be hypocritical but as a strong alpha Italian male, I would not tolerate my wife dating other men. I have seen how that ended for our three closest friends. There are always much better mates out there than the one you married and rules, trust and intentions not to fall in love go out the window when emotions take over and cause us to make bad choices.
I would not tolerate it because men are possessive, enjoy having sex with someone else's wife as a dominance thing and may work to get my wife to leave me. I know that by some strange magic I am not the only person in the world for my wife. There are other guys out there that could make her happier than I can, have more in common, less logical, etc.. It is risky business. Basically it comes down to how males and females view sex. Men can view it purely as sexual pleasure while women then to view it emotionally. It is not just my opinion. It is the way the genders are hardwired by centuries of evolution.
My only suggestion is to see if your husband would be interested in swinging or wife swapping. That is not the same as you having a relationship with other men, if you are just looking for sex that is. We found our best friends to be members of a local wife swapping group. In the last two places we lived, the locals had wife swapping or key clubs going. We tried it once and never again because the bad news is that we saw several marriages end because of the wife swapping. We lost three of our best friends to that and that scared us both straight.
Look, when you involve others in your marriage you are putting it at risk. We found that it worked best for us if we both loved the same person and did not permit outside dating without the other. We lasted while none of our friends did. Does not mean that it cannot last in different configurations but judging from many posts online, it seems that it seldom does. To me, poly is not just being able to date other people or have relationships with them. To me it is more than two people sharing the same life. However, I am old fashioned and today what we called something else, has been given a new fancy name to make it easier to sell to one's spouse.
I think open relationship, hot wife and similar more aptly describe what some call poly.
I can only suggest that you may want to try to play together like in a same room wife swapping or swinging situation. I know that I felt no jealousy at all in those circumstances because we were both doing it and not just her. Let's face it, not many people, male or female is going to be happy for long if their spouse is out there with other sex partners and they are not. If they are not, because they feel morally it is wrong or goes against what they consider a man to be, it is not going to work.
I seem to sense that many posts online concern problems with poly relationships. I never went online to visit sex forums until last year and perhaps that is because when it is going well for you there is not reason to post. Now that we are no longer in a triad, my wife and I miss it a lot. I had to go on antidepressants to get over the deep depression I fell into.
I wish you good luck and what you are suggesting sounds more of what is called being a hot wife. That is where the husband remains faithful while his wife has sex with other men either alone, with him watching or participating. To work, he has to be sexually aroused by it. Sometimes you can just role play by saying things during sex when he is very horny. You can test his reaction to what you say about sex with another guy. Some guys are very into it, at least online they are.
It may be hypocritical but as a strong alpha Italian male, I would not tolerate my wife dating other men. I have seen how that ended for our three closest friends. There are always much better mates out there than the one you married and rules, trust and intentions not to fall in love go out the window when emotions take over and cause us to make bad choices.
I would not tolerate it because men are possessive, enjoy having sex with someone else's wife as a dominance thing and may work to get my wife to leave me. I know that by some strange magic I am not the only person in the world for my wife. There are other guys out there that could make her happier than I can, have more in common, less logical, etc.. It is risky business. Basically it comes down to how males and females view sex. Men can view it purely as sexual pleasure while women then to view it emotionally. It is not just my opinion. It is the way the genders are hardwired by centuries of evolution.
My only suggestion is to see if your husband would be interested in swinging or wife swapping. That is not the same as you having a relationship with other men, if you are just looking for sex that is. We found our best friends to be members of a local wife swapping group. In the last two places we lived, the locals had wife swapping or key clubs going. We tried it once and never again because the bad news is that we saw several marriages end because of the wife swapping. We lost three of our best friends to that and that scared us both straight.
Look, when you involve others in your marriage you are putting it at risk. We found that it worked best for us if we both loved the same person and did not permit outside dating without the other. We lasted while none of our friends did. Does not mean that it cannot last in different configurations but judging from many posts online, it seems that it seldom does. To me, poly is not just being able to date other people or have relationships with them. To me it is more than two people sharing the same life. However, I am old fashioned and today what we called something else, has been given a new fancy name to make it easier to sell to one's spouse.
I think open relationship, hot wife and similar more aptly describe what some call poly.I can only suggest that you may want to try to play together like in a same room wife swapping or swinging situation. I know that I felt no jealousy at all in those circumstances because we were both doing it and not just her. Let's face it, not many people, male or female is going to be happy for long if their spouse is out there with other sex partners and they are not. If they are not, because they feel morally it is wrong or goes against what they consider a man to be, it is not going to work.
I seem to sense that many posts online concern problems with poly relationships. I never went online to visit sex forums until last year and perhaps that is because when it is going well for you there is not reason to post. Now that we are no longer in a triad, my wife and I miss it a lot. I had to go on antidepressants to get over the deep depression I fell into.
I wish you good luck and what you are suggesting sounds more of what is called being a hot wife. That is where the husband remains faithful while his wife has sex with other men either alone, with him watching or participating. To work, he has to be sexually aroused by it. Sometimes you can just role play by saying things during sex when he is very horny. You can test his reaction to what you say about sex with another guy. Some guys are very into it, at least online they are.
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Len, do you read the other forum members' posts in these many discussions and not just the OP questions? Sometimes it seems that you just post again and again the details of your own life, but you are not really taking in what the other members of this community are talking about or experiencing. You'll find an awful lot of interesting, well adjusted poly success stories here.
zigzag
New member
It's unfortunate that the constraints of society have made you feel like a bad person, you are definitely not. You may have a long journey ahead, but it is one that can be made successfully, and by identifying your feelings and desires you have made the first and bravest step.
Halcyeus
New member
No, those desires won't go away, as you've found. Wishful thinking. If you get a lot of crushes then dutifully squashing them for too many years might lead to strong feelings of regret later on, like a photo album you open up occasionally to torment yourself with images of things that could have gone somewhere but never had the chance.
You might regret important things you did do or will try to do, too. At least they tend to be meaningful even if painful. You can learn from them, be inspired to do better and push yourself to grow as a result. Regretting important things you didn't do can be harder to come to terms with IMO. The pain lasts a lot longer for some reason. Its haunting.
Your desires for others don't make you a bad person. How you manage them is where it's at. There is a great deal of emphasis on values and ethics in polyamory for good reason.
Long road ahead, yes. You can take it slow and cautiously. Won't be a dull ride in any case, whatever happens.
You might regret important things you did do or will try to do, too. At least they tend to be meaningful even if painful. You can learn from them, be inspired to do better and push yourself to grow as a result. Regretting important things you didn't do can be harder to come to terms with IMO. The pain lasts a lot longer for some reason. Its haunting.
Your desires for others don't make you a bad person. How you manage them is where it's at. There is a great deal of emphasis on values and ethics in polyamory for good reason.
Long road ahead, yes. You can take it slow and cautiously. Won't be a dull ride in any case, whatever happens.
Bluebird
Well-known member
This is complete and utter garbage, IMHO. If your husband is on board, you absolutely can date other wonderful men who will not try to steal you away from your existing relationship. Men can absolutely also view things emotionally. To me, these two paragraphs read as a guy with a one penis policy who is insecure and wants to keep his wife under his boot due to his own insecurity.
Also, your husband does NOT need to be sexually aroused by the thought of you having sex with others for polyamory to work. I've been poly for a couple years now and never have I found a man who tried to break up my marriage. Right now I'm the hinge in a V and have much love in my life. My husband is completely straight and not interested in "hot wifing" in the least. He doesn't want to watch, or join in, or even have any details.
Look, your desires do not make you a bad person. I have a very high libido and have done many things to try to keep it under wraps, but the fact remains that I have these feelings and denying them made me miserable. I did not want to cheat on my husband, but after much discussion we decided to give poly a try. I am so glad I did, because it has changed my life for the better - a million times over.
Take a look at my journal if you want - I was in a place very similar to yours in the beginning.