Hello all. I've been a lurking member of this site for months, and have found much helpful and insightful writing here. Thought I'd finally pop in and introduce myself.
I have known myself to be non-monogamous since before the term "poly-" was coined. (All my teenage & adult life.) Not knowing in my early dating years that maintaining multiple committed relationships was a deep desire/need that I could assert up-front, I instead went through this cycle several times:
- Meet someone interesting and start dating.
- When things were starting to feel "serious" (like maybe the relationship had potential to continue), I would akwardly & self-conciously raise the idea that maybe we could each also continue to date other people. Only to be offered "reassurances" that I was the only one they wanted. (This is a statement I will Never believe coming from anyone.)
- That's when relationships which seemed to be growing would start to fall apart. (Undoubtedly for the best, long-term, but frustrating in practice.)
- Lather, rinse, repeat.
After several these experiences, followed by a decade-long monogamish marriage to a narcissist*, I decided I'd better just start disclosing Everything upfront and unashamedly with new prospective partners. After all, I was already doing so in regard to sexuality and gender identity, anyway.
[* Normally I'm hesitant to slap a mental-illness diagnosis on people, not being a psychotherapist. However, when someone consistently demonstrates 18 of 20 indicative behaviors, it's a pretty sure bet. Sigh.]
And boy am I glad I opted for the radical honesty! I now have one partner I've been with for a little over a year (with many more years to come, I hope), who has one other partner currently (plus one with whom he recently split) and has been practicing poly for many years. It's not easy, it's not perfect, but I Love it in so many ways.
Reading the threads here has really helped me understand the scope of what Polyamory is/can be to those who pursue it mindfully (or not), and has also helped give some perspective to the few poly-related challenges (emotional flare-ups, communication difficulties, run-of-the-mill stuff) that have arisen so far in my own little polycule.
Mostly I just want to say thanks to those who have posted and replied on the forum threads. It's great to see so many thoughtful, sensible, and compassionate conversations taking place on such a complex subject.
Cheers!
I have known myself to be non-monogamous since before the term "poly-" was coined. (All my teenage & adult life.) Not knowing in my early dating years that maintaining multiple committed relationships was a deep desire/need that I could assert up-front, I instead went through this cycle several times:
- Meet someone interesting and start dating.
- When things were starting to feel "serious" (like maybe the relationship had potential to continue), I would akwardly & self-conciously raise the idea that maybe we could each also continue to date other people. Only to be offered "reassurances" that I was the only one they wanted. (This is a statement I will Never believe coming from anyone.)
- That's when relationships which seemed to be growing would start to fall apart. (Undoubtedly for the best, long-term, but frustrating in practice.)
- Lather, rinse, repeat.
After several these experiences, followed by a decade-long monogamish marriage to a narcissist*, I decided I'd better just start disclosing Everything upfront and unashamedly with new prospective partners. After all, I was already doing so in regard to sexuality and gender identity, anyway.
[* Normally I'm hesitant to slap a mental-illness diagnosis on people, not being a psychotherapist. However, when someone consistently demonstrates 18 of 20 indicative behaviors, it's a pretty sure bet. Sigh.]
And boy am I glad I opted for the radical honesty! I now have one partner I've been with for a little over a year (with many more years to come, I hope), who has one other partner currently (plus one with whom he recently split) and has been practicing poly for many years. It's not easy, it's not perfect, but I Love it in so many ways.
Reading the threads here has really helped me understand the scope of what Polyamory is/can be to those who pursue it mindfully (or not), and has also helped give some perspective to the few poly-related challenges (emotional flare-ups, communication difficulties, run-of-the-mill stuff) that have arisen so far in my own little polycule.
Mostly I just want to say thanks to those who have posted and replied on the forum threads. It's great to see so many thoughtful, sensible, and compassionate conversations taking place on such a complex subject.
Cheers!
