Growing pains and a wee bit o' confusion

[funeral0p0lis]

I'll try not to make this a novel.

Hubby ("Hal") and I just recently (within the last 6 months) added polyamory to our list of reasons we are a super awesome couple. There have been ups and downs in working out the associated emotional kinks, but we are good at talking through stuff and being honest with each other, even when doing so sucks/is scary.

I feel like this has strengthened our marriage, and that's saying something, since we were already in a really good secure place. However, as per the subject line, there are still some issues that I feel uncertain about and I wanted to get some input. The situation is as follows:

Hal has been seeing someone that both of us know (Helen). So far, it hasn't gone further than making out. I really REALLY like Helen. (She's pretty similar to me; I'll admit that is good for my ego.) She and I get along really well. The two times that the three of us have all hung out in a non-romantic context, it felt like a natural fit. We like each other and have a lot in common besides both of us caring for Hal. I came home from drinking at the bar with them last night feeling really happy.

So what's the problem? Well, the fact remains that when Hal goes off to have alone time with Helen, I feel nervous. I feel like this is irrational, given how comfortable I feel with her, but there it is.

Additionally, I have someone whom I feel strongly about (Kev), and the feeling is mutual. But for a couple reasons that I won't go into, the relationship hasn't progressed to romantic involvement yet, and probably won't for some time.

Meanwhile, Hal's relationship with Helen is heating up, and I'm starting to feel a little envious because I don't have that yet. Of course, the logical part of me points out to myself that it would be stupid to rush my burgeoning relationship with Kev just because of Hal's progress with Helen, but I find myself imagining it often, anyhow.

I guess I just envision there coming a point when Hal asks me if he can take their relationship to the next level (i.e., sexual activities) and I will feel simultaneously uncomfortable with saying yes and opening myself up to nights alone, and also uncomfortable stymieing the natural progression of their involvement. I'm not out to complicate things between them if I can help it.

So, what do you y'all think? Is there something I'm missing, or do I just need to wait these feelings out? Any advice or opinions are welcome.

 

[Mahogany]

I read your post and just wanted to say, I admire your strength and thoughtfulness. Personally, I have decided that I am not going to compromise my happiness/peace of mind, no matter what. I will give only what I can give that doesn't lead to misery. I will walk away if I have to. I've decided to love myself first. So, if my poly hubby wants or needs more than I can give, I will walk away. I can be miserable by myself.

I am not saying you are miserable, or need to walk away. But be content with your boundaries. If you can't, then you can't. Don't feel guilty about it, and don't deny your limits. It is not worth it. I've been there.

 

[funeral0p0lis]

Mahogany, thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. I guess I just feel like there should be something I can do to help myself through these feelings. I hate feeling like I'm just sitting around waiting to feel better about stuff. I don't believe my limits will change without some work on both Hal's and my part.

 

[Adam]

I feel your pain, as I am currently going through a similar situation myself with my wife. We've always had a great relationship, and we're somehow even closer since talking about opening up to poly (and the sex is somehow better, too...). She's found a beau, yet it's long distance and nothing physical has happened yet, although there are tentative plans. I myself have yet to catch an eye, let alone a heart.

We've been talking about the sex card from the beginning, and have both agreed that if we're going to let each other be their own person in other relationships, setting boundaries for the other person with regards to sex is not fair (nor needed). We both trust each other implicitly, and know neither would do anything that either a) might hurt someone or b) the relationship was not ready for. So, if my wife goes to spend a weekend with her beau, I pretty much can be assured they're going to have sex, and that's ok with me, 'cause it's the right time for it (for them). It's their relationship, not mine (although we both understand I play a part in it implicitly).

All that said, for us, it comes down to communication. We've discussed all possible outcomes, good or bad, and explored our feelings. We've listened to each other without judging emotions, trying to understand where things are, and where they would be "if". Therefore, we have a very strong feeling for the context of our lives, and trust that we'll each make decisions that are good (but allow for human fallibility).

I hope this eases your burden. Feel free to ask more questions, both here and of your hubby. Questions are good, if intended well.

 

[Mahogany]

Funeralopolis, yes, I know what you mean by finding a way to be OK with it all, because that's where I am. It must be great once we get there. So many practice this lifestyle and swear by it. How can they all be wrong? Well I guess if you're mono, then they are wrong. That's why it is so important to give it time to let things settle. If time has lapsed and things still aren't right, then you know.

Adam, I admire your views. I am definitely not there myself, not sure I will ever be. My jealousy and insecurities stem from the little things, not the sex.

 

[GalaGirl]

You write well. Kudos! You know yourself, you identify your feelings, you articulate. So I really don't have anything to add other than, yeah, growing pains.

Have you articulated your emotional weather report to your peeps? That's your responsibility and the only thing I didn't get a sense of. Not to nag or control them, but just, "Heads up. Here's my weather report. Here's where I'm at right now."

And, yeah, emotional storms? You weather them out. But your thing doesn't sound especially stormy-drama to me. It's just growing pains.

I still feel nervous. I feel like this is irrational, given how comfortable I feel with her, but there it is.

Meanwhile, Hal's relationship with Helen is heating up, and I'm starting to feel a little envious because I don't have that yet. Of course the logical part of me points out to myself that rushing my burgeoning relationship with Kev just because of Hal's progress with Helen is stupid, but I find myself imagining it often anyhow.

I guess I just envision there coming a point when he asks me if he can take their relationship to the next level (i.e., sexual activities) and I will feel simultaneously uncomfortable with saying yes and opening myself up to nights alone, and also uncomfortable stymieing the natural progression of their involvement; I'm not out to complicate things between them if I can help it.

Since when is emotion supposed to be rational or logical? It just IS, like wind IS, or rain IS, or rainbows ARE.

You feel whatever you feel, when you feel it. You could anticipate what you MIGHT be feeling in situation and make a loose coping plan. But you may feel none of that, or that, PLUS something else, when you actually get there. "It might rain here. Do I bring an umbrella, or not?" But it might not rain after all. *shrug*

So basically, you prepare as best you can, and get there, and feel whatever it is to feel.

Then you choose. Do you want to just react however, or act with intention? That's where the logic kicks in. Not in the "feel whatever it is" place.

I hate feeling like I'm just sitting around waiting to feel better about stuff.

If you are holding up your end of the communication stick, and reporting your weather to your peeps, and if they are holding up their end of the respect stick in regards to you, while they carry on their other relationships, also respectfully, everyone is doing all they can do. It's done. You sit around and wait to see what's next and enjoy the ride.

You can also chill a bit and know you'll feel some pings now and then, but it won't become big ol' PONGS of stuff, because everyone's holding up their ends of various sticks. The longer you surf the poly waves, the better you can ride out the pings. "Oh yeah, that ping. I handled that natural wave before. All right, no big deal."

It doesn't sound like any of your peeps are making waves on PURPOSE. You aren't looking to, either. So yay! Carry on. You sound normal and healthy to me.

GalaGirl