Happily married, but new feelings and dreams?

[weirdreamsandfeelings]

I originally posted this on reddit, but I wanted to try posting here to see if there was any advice you folks could lend.

Sorry in advance if this is all over the place. I'm feeling a little embarrassed and confused, and I'm resisting the urge to just delete this draft and forget it.

I'm a married bi woman (25+) in a very happy relationship with a (mostly) straight man (25+). I love him with everything in me, and he never fails to make me feel cherished. The highlight of my day just being able to spend time with him after work. After hearing a podcast, he wanted to talk with me and check if there were any ways I wanted to spice up our sex life. He said he's pretty happy with where we are, but said he learned recently that a lot of couples never actually check in (he is very research oriented, lol). In the end, it was easier just to mention the things we would never feel comfortable with. I noticed that neither of us mentioned bringing another party as being off the table, and my husband later brought up a conversation about how in the same podcast, the people had a double standard about two women vs. two men in a threesome.

For some reason, the idea of bringing in another party has been on my mind more often recently, and I'm not entirely sure where it came from. My husband has joked regularly that he thinks I'd make a killing on OF, that he wouldn't mind if I flashed someone (consensually, lol), and that he wouldn't even mind if I went on a date with someone else.

I guess these feelings have been recently amplified due to a friendship we have with another couple. We've recently gotten closer, and seeing them makes my heart feel light and happy. I'm always looking forward to our next visit or lunch/dinner together. During our last outing, my husband made a few jokes that they're managing to court us. What really made me want to make this post was a dream I had last night. I dreamt that my husband and I were resting in bed, and this same couple came over to say hi (very weird, lol). In the dream, the guy gave my husband a bear hug, and he wound up just snuggling with us while his partner figured out where she would lay down. Nothing sexual happened, but the feeling of laying together and watching something together made me feel cozy and happy. Its crossed my mind to ask them to sleep over (just like a slumber party) more than once.

I love my husband so, so much, and I'm just a little confused by these feelings. Should I just let them pass? They are a little embarrassing, but make me feel excited and secretly happy. I've even thought about reading polyam fanfics of my favorite characters.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello weirdreamsandfeelings,

I think you should tell your husband how you have been feeling, and what you have been dreaming about. You'll never know whether your husband will be interested in some kind of a couple swap unless you ask him. And if you don't ask him, you'll always wonder what would have happened if you had.

I think this dream you had is the universe telling you something. You do not want to miss out on this opportunity, this is important. Of course I could be wrong, but these are the thoughts and feelings I had while reading your post.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Openbook23]

I know this is easier for me to say and harder for you to internalize, but you shouldn't be embarrassed by your desires, much less your dreams. They are what they are. Our actions are up to us. This fantasy of yours is very common and honestly sounds pretty sweet. You sound like you would like to open your relationship up to other avenues of potential love (or at least snuggles and good feelings). Cool! You are in the right place to explore that idea, at least. Whether you should act on it is up to you and your partner of course.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here's my advice. Take it or leave it. Ponder it and see if it makes sense. I've been practicing polyamory steadily since 2009 and dabbled in it as early as 1999. So that's my CV.

Stop thinking of it as "bringing another party in." Start thinking of it as, "I'd like another partner, and maybe my husband would also like another partner." Don't imagine sharing one partner (in a triad, or as some people insist on saying, a "throuple" gag). This almost always leads to disaster. The unicorn always ends up preferring one of you over the other. Or he/she flakes out. Or the more established couple doesn't treat their unicorn well, and consider all their needs for security, respect, etc. Or one member of the longer-term couple falls in love with the unicorn, but the other person decides they really don't like the new person all that much, after all.

Usually it's fun for a few days/weeks or months, and then spectacularly falls apart.

Of course, it's harder for men to admit they're bi, so most full-on triads are FMF.

Quads sometimes last longer, especially if you do it swinger style and make sure the 2 original couples go home together at the end of the night or weekend. But usually at least one member of the quad decides they don't like the partner they've been expected to fuck, and then the other three want to keep going and that poor 4th member feels all left out and everything goes to shit.

In your case, you're enjoying the company of your friends, and maybe feeling some sexual tension, which led to your dream. That's all it is so far (unless you all went for it since you posted a week ago!). But I would recommend not just jumping into polyamory after listening to one podcast, having some fun socializing with some other young'uns, and having one romantic dream.

You can read all the fanfic you want. It's just fiction. Instead, I'd recommend reading some actual information about how to practice polyamory, and spend a good year doing this research. Only then would I dip a toe into the poly water.

We have a list of recommended reading. My top recommendation is Opening Up, but there are other good ones out there, like Polysecure or Designer Relationships.