Have my cake and eat it too? Trouble in paradise

[Magdlyn]

Well, i do care about them both. I want a friendship at a minimum to start...

OK. I mean, you do need to suss out a potential sex partner on a first date, right? You're not going to fall in bed with someone you do not find attractive. And sometimes part of the attraction isn't their stunning physical beauty, it's something about their personality, their laugh, their intellect, their passions, their former experiences and how they handled them, etc. Things you find you have in common. Things that make you like them as a person, which leads to sexual desire. These are all qualities that might make you only feel lust, or might make you like a person a lot. Even love them.

...and with respect to all involved, am trying to go at the comfort level of my man. Am i being too accommodating to him?

No, it is generally suggested when opening a relationship, to go at the pace of the slowest person. Not indefinitely, but take some time, maybe set a deadline for revisiting. It can take months or even years for a formerly mono couple to become functionally, comfortably poly. Now, you've only been with your bf a year. If you'd been upfront about being bi and really wanting to see women as well as him, for sex AND fond feelings, things might have gone better. Or he could have made the choice not to date you. Apparently he wasn't threatened by your 2 former playpartners because you didnt really like them all that much???

But it happened the way it happened and here we are. Now what?

Perhaps that is the issue here for me, not being able to stand up for what it is that I want. Because he is jealous type as I am learning. But he seems to think what i am seeing is at the same time cool and hot, but also weird and not the norm. Its hard- feeling so judged but at the same time seeking his support. :/

What is different about your new interest and your 2 former playpartners? Fear of the unknown, probably.

You want to be a "free bird," but here you are rather committed to a guy with jealousy issues. How much time do you want to spend defining how you operate to this guy and seeing if he can deal with it? Or would you rather immediately tell him to deal or leave? It's up to you.

Try reading the books The Ethical Slut, and Opening Up.

There are jealousy links to be found on online poly sites as well.

 

[SilverSprings]

This is all opening up such interesting discussions! As of right now, I know that I am very happy with my BF so I am willing to move as slow as he needs to. He is from a land far away from open/poly-world however he knew just about from day #1 that i was bi, and had been involved with a girl actually when we met.. and that I formerly had GF's with emotional / love connections. So there was always some understanding of this. I was even involved in some other things I wont mention on here but they were kind of 'exhibitionist' side that he helped me steer away from, because in all honesty it was not good for me. I think that whole wild side of me was appealing in a way to him. But he would always say "down the road, when we are more serious/committed, i am open to you maybe even having a GF".. so i think this is where my explorations stemmed from with my current girl in my life. I guess i just jumped the gun a bit, and then on top- lied to him. Im learning from this all!! in a big way..

Im in a happy place despite all this madness, Anna and I have been really open and talking about what we both want. In the event Frank comes back to a place that he is OK with us meeting (and my feeling is that he will, not with any sort of manipulation but with more of natural understanding and help) Anna has cleared the air saying she is perfectly OK with any sort of re-start or setting bounds, has no desire to come between Frank and I in some kind of bizarre love triangle, but that she Does desire depth in relationships even in friendships. She feels that each experience adds to life, which I fully agree... plus as she pointed out we (her and I) have this sort of rare, easy vibe. She told me she is very "intrigued" by me <3, and i find her very intuitive and lovely.. and sure theres some risks involved and who knows what can blossom but I think its all still worth pursuing.. in a gentle, smart fashion. The stress levels are stabilizing and I want to apologize for seeming too cold or brash- as i am quite opposite by nature (am often considered too compassionate if anything ) but this just tested me in a crazy way - that i haven't had in a loong time.

At the end of the day- this has opened up such great lines of communication that Frank and I really didn't have (even including some of the mild arguments we had) and I really got to practice my "non violent communication" skills for the first time in a long while.

Thanks all... Im sure I'll be back for help once the fog clears ^.^

ps: Magdlyn - thank you for the input and recommended reading. I do own Opening up and left it for frank, and ethical slut is one I have been meaning to read for awhile now.. will have to pick it up

(Im terrible with the quoting feature.. but want to thank all others for the constructive criticisms and advice/feedback)