Have you ever started a poly group in your city?

Xftmfz

Xftmfz

New member
So, I read "The Game Changer". Awesome book. One thing that stuck out was his involvement with PolyTampa, a group down in southwest FL. In the book it was just a small meet-up. Now, looking at the website, it looks more like a full-blown organization...which is awesome!:)

There is no group anywhere in AL where I live, at least none that I can find. I've sort of given up on using dating sites to meet like-minded people. Too many douchebags posing as being in open-relationships to get laid have pretty much ruined that for those of us who legitimately want to live our lives differently than the herd.

At this point, I would really like to just make some friends who have similar views on relationships as myself. I'm less interested in diving straight into dating. I'd like to just let that stuff happen naturally. Seems like things work out better when that's the case.

So, I was thinking I could make a group on MeetUp.com, or a Facebook group, or a website with a phpbb or all three or something...

But I'm a bit worried about sticking my neck out so publicly (especially here in the south where people lose their jobs for stuff like this).

Just wondering what thoughts you guys might have on the subject of doing something like this?
 
Disclaimer: I've never started a poly group. However, with either facebook or meetup.com, you can set the group to private and require prospective members to message you (or answer questions) prior to joining. And, you do not have to post your picture on meetup or as the admin on facebook. I haven't started a new poly group but I am a member of two closed poly facebooks group and a couple meetup groups (closed and open.) I am not out except to a few family members/friends and have had no issues being outed in those groups.
 
I know the man who started the extraordinarily successful PolyCocktails in NYC and has inspired several satellite groups around the country. I'd be happy to get you in touch with him if you'd like to talk with him directly.
 
Fellow Alabamian here. No words of wisdom to share when it comes to starting a group (virtual or otherwise) but if you do decide to give it a go, please PM me. I'm definitely willing to help coordinate efforts here in the central part of the state!
 
Hi Xftmfz,

I've never started a poly group, but I did attend the potlucks of a poly group in Albuquerque. At the time I was connected to the group through Yahoo, but since then I have lost my access to Yahoo. I got a new cell phone and then later, Yahoo demanded to text me on my old cell number. Since I couldn't comply, I was cut off. Which is too bad, there were a lot of Yahoo groups.

When I was on Yahoo, none of the group leaders had photos out there that would identify them, and the potluck addresses were only available via email with a group leader. So it was pretty private from what I could tell, as private as one could be while leading a public group. I think you will be fine with Meetup.com and/or Facebook. I suggest a transparent group name that will lend itself to google searches, e.g., "Alabama Polyamory."

I think it'd be very cool if you start a poly group.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
PinkPig said:
Disclaimer: I've never started a poly group. However, with either facebook or meetup.com, you can set the group to private and require prospective members to message you (or answer questions) prior to joining. And, you do not have to post your picture on meetup or as the admin on facebook. I haven't started a new poly group but I am a member of two closed poly facebooks group and a couple meetup groups (closed and open.) I am not out except to a few family members/friends and have had no issues being outed in those groups.
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Thus far I have learned: MeetUp wants $14.99 to start a group.
Facebook groups only allow creators to hide from non-members in “secret” groups. “Secret” groups can’t be searched for. They’re invite only. And the admin is still visible to the members.

So leaving towards a Facebook “page” where I can be anonymous to find people to add to the secret group.

Seems complicated but maybe not so bad.

So, once I make this stuff...anyone have ideas for content, and where would be the best places to share the link?
 
AlabamaJules said:
Fellow Alabamian here. No words of wisdom to share when it comes to starting a group (virtual or otherwise) but if you do decide to give it a go, please PM me. I'm definitely willing to help coordinate efforts here in the central part of the state!
Click to expand...

:D I sent you a PM!
 
a Facebook “page” where I can be anonymous to find people to add to the secret group.
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My wife and I are closeted to all but a handful of folks, so I used a free anonymous email address (yahoo, gmail, etc) to set up an alternate-anonymous FB account to sign up with the local poly groups so that we could get a feel for the local poly scene in the event that we decided we would like to come out a bit more and attend some local events. We live in a large metroplex and there are at least three large local FB poly groups - and a few dinners held monthly - so we are fortunate to have opportunities if we so choose, although that is hold on right now due to other developments.

Many of the members of these FB groups use alternative-anonymous profiles for the groups - so what you are planning is definitely doable. One note - all these groups warn their members that although the group is labeled "secret", that FB's algorithms cannot be trusted to ensure that something will not appear somewhere that could link them to the group, so there is always a warning that if you cannot afford to be outed, then use an alternate-anonymous FB identity for the poly groups. This is undoubtedly even more of an issue in the Deep South. Good luck! Al
 
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Xftmfz said:
Thus far I have learned: MeetUp wants $14.99 to start a group.
Facebook groups only allow creators to hide from non-members in “secret” groups. “Secret” groups can’t be searched for. They’re invite only. And the admin is still visible to the members.

So leaving towards a Facebook “page” where I can be anonymous to find people to add to the secret group.

Seems complicated but maybe not so bad.

So, once I make this stuff...anyone have ideas for content, and where would be the best places to share the link?
Click to expand...

I belonged to a secret facebook group in Seattle. They do not advertise anywhere. They rely on members bringing in new members. They have a social gathering once a month. A new member must attend one of those with their "sponsor", then contact an admin to get added to the group. Content was basically all about creating events, which members were encouraged to do. Surprisingly, there was very little actual poly content. It was very disappointing. The group actually kind of sucked. I think the key would be to try to keep it on topic. They attempted to do that by allowing the creation of subgroups, but it didn't work.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I belonged to a secret facebook group in Seattle. They do not advertise anywhere. They rely on members bringing in new members. They have a social gathering once a month. A new member must attend one of those with their "sponsor", then contact an admin to get added to the group. Content was basically all about creating events, which members were encouraged to do. Surprisingly, there was very little actual poly content. It was very disappointing. The group actually kind of sucked. I think the key would be to try to keep it on topic. They attempted to do that by allowing the creation of subgroups, but it didn't work.
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So, what would your definition of “on topic” be? What would you want to see discussed? Just trying to get ideas.
 
Xftmfz said:
So, what would your definition of “on topic” be? What would you want to see discussed? Just trying to get ideas.
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Well that would be entirely dependent on what direction you want it to take. For a general poly group that would be poly related things and group events. What happened with this group is they were infiltrated by people who wanted to impose a political bubble under the guise of a "safe space". If I would have known that I would not have joined. It was presented to me as a general poly group that was supposed to be inclusive of everyone.

So if you are looking to start a group just for poly people to meet, make friends, possibly date, then keep it to that. If you are looking to push a political agenda, make sure you include that in your statement or even the name of the group.
 
IME, do not allow any group to constantly return to a small cluster of shaggy topics, the worst being JEALOOUSY. :rolleyes: I was in a monthly social group for a couple of years & finally got tired of the rehashing. (Woulda left MUCH sooner but about half were friends of mine before the group launched.)

Others include: NRE; when do we tell the kids?; how to be "out" at work; finding HBBs; buying a house together; Communication Is Key (but no actual communication strategies are presented).

If something recurs because "there's New People here & this IS important for them to know!!" then make it a separate group entirely, & send noobs there before being invited to the general gaggle.
 
I co-facilitate a newcomers to poly discussion group just to have a place to discuss those questions that tend to come up again and again, like what Ravenscroft described. In my area, there is also the 'regular' poly discussion group which often does delve into less 'starting out' topics. It can be annoying to people who have been poly for a while and yet, those are discussions many people need to have.

Generally I have not found online groups as helpful as in person groups (with the obvious exception of our dear forum here!) The open Facebook groups were actually downright maddening so I left those.

However, there is no denying there are potential costs to being out, or being outed. I tend to think that sometimes people overestimate how much other people care about their lives. But there are definitely places where the culture is very conservative and so the risk may be greater.

Xftmfz, it seems you want to move in a more online direction? I guess my only suggestion would be to really seriously calculate the risks you are willing to take, the consequences you are willing to bear, and what exposure might mean to people in your life. You are the only one who can really do that analysis.

Also, check out the Poly Weekly podcast by Cunning Minx. I recall there was an episode about creating poly groups/communities.

Good luck!
 
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