Have you experienced this?

KC43 said:
You've seen NO evidence for swinging and polyamory being related??

Hmm. I guess I don't exist then. I'm in an open marriage (swinger) and also polyamorous.
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You are one case, and one case cannot be used to infer they are related more than by chance. You need a larger sample in order to do that.

Besides, I just argued the same way as people did here in relation to BD/SM and role playing being related to polyamory. I discarded my own data and concluded nobody had researched the issue, and so nobody really know. OTOH, in my data swinging and polyamory ARE related, but you have already discarded my data as "not usable", so you cannot use that as an argument.
 
rdos said:
You are one case, and one case cannot be used to infer they are related more than by chance. You need a larger sample in order to do that.

Besides, I just argued the same way as people did here in relation to BD/SM and role playing being related to polyamory. I discarded my own data and concluded nobody had researched the issue, and so nobody really know. OTOH, in my data swinging and polyamory ARE related, but you have already discarded my data as "not usable", so you cannot use that as an argument.
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I think the problem is language. You discuss these topics like they are blanket terms.

Poly and swinging can be related
Poly and swinging may not be related
Poly and swinging can be mixed intimately
Poly people can hate swingers
Swingers can hate poly people

BDSM role playing can intertwine with poly
poly people can be vanilla
BDSM people can be swingers
swingers can be into light bdsm
poly people can be into master slave relationships

etc
etc
etc

I identify as a non-monogamous person in an open relationship that is also poly. Currently could be identified as poly fi since I don't have time for anything else. I am an agnostic part time gamer geek jock who tends to sit a little to the canadian right politically.

My wife, as an example, is a christian non-monogamous poly person who is artistic (broadway style) and a hippie

My gf is an agnostic gamer girl geek who is poly and doesn't really touch open swinging with a 10 foot pole. She may lean a little to closed swinging. Artsy (in the art class kind of sense) with strong a strong business management background.

I hope you can see why people keep arguing points with you. Your assertions may be connected some of the time, but are far from a prevailing pattern. All I keep thinking is your subjects must be very specific because, honestly, I haven't met many people that match your descriptors. And I live in a poly strong city. (your pool is also limited to people who would do online surveys, I and my entire pod, do not take part, so we and maybe others like us are eliminated from your stats..)

Your phrasing on pretty much everything you have brought up feels like pigeon holing. It feels like you want to create generic statements that can apply to everyone. It just isn't possible.

I am also a swinger and poly. I have dated poly swinging couples. I know a poly swinging club in calgary. I know a poly swinging group in vancouver. Sex positive groups are all over and don't segregate at all. I also know a poly group that segregates based on gender preference, if you aren't bi, you can't be poly.

I also know swingers who would never consider poly an option. In fact they look at it like some people view bi-sexuality. "oooohhhh I dont think that exists"

Relationship constructs are far from black and white. IRL, I am not seeing the patterns you are identifying, and apparently no one else is either. They do happen, but it isn't a defining pattern. Correlation does not imply causation comes to mind again.
 
Re:
"Have you experienced this?"
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Certainly not in that kind of detail, but I had a crush on a girl in junior high and high school that I think she was kind of into too but we were both alternatingly embarrassed/shy about it. The most that came of it was one date (a school dance), and then (after quite a few weeks) it really just came down to me being more into it than she was -- at the time. After I returned from my (two-year) mission (in a faraway State, for the Mormon church), she seemed to be interested in resuming, but by then I was reluctant to resume. Kind of a depressing situation but oh well. I don't imagine I'd have been the right kind of husband for her anyway.
 
rdos said:
Because both parties are seeking contact in a kind of shy way, and can at any time stop being part of the game.
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rdos said:
It's attractive to me because you know the other part is putting time and effort into the game . . .
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Yeccch! I'm an adult who wants adult relationships, so acting coy and playing games is a waste of time and energy to me. If someone took that route in hopes of meeting me, I'd assess them as immature, ineffectual, and someone I have no interest in.
 
nycindie said:
Yeccch! I'm an adult who wants adult relationships, so acting coy and playing games is a waste of time and energy to me. If someone took that route in hopes of meeting me, I'd assess them as immature, ineffectual, and someone I have no interest in.
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For me it is a great way to weed-out incompatible people quickly. If you can't or won't play the game, I have no interest in you. :)
 
london said:
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Typical people play another game that I have no interest in, and that they use to weed me out. Perfectly valid for me, as I don't want to suffer in relationships with typical people.

It only gets kind of disgusting when typical people call our mating-game for stalking. Especially when they have no idea how the game works. I'm sure you would object if I called the typical mating game for shallow and disgusting. I mean, you claim to be able to identify a good potential partner in just a few minutes (speed dating), something I find really odd.
 
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I've never been speed dating in my life. What on earth are you talking about?
 
london said:
I've never been speed dating in my life. What on earth are you talking about?
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Didn't say you had, but speed dating is the extreme version of typical dating, which I'm sure you have been doing. The extreme version on the other end of the spectrum is this original post, which you called stalking.

Edit: Maybe it can be interpreted as if I did say you had speed-dated, which was not intentional. I should have worded it differently.
 
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I just meet a guy on a dating site or when I'm out and about and start talking to him. From there, if we think we are compatible, we start dating. From there, it either stays casual dating or we go on to something more serious. To go from initial contact to first date might take anything from a few days to a month. Depends on how much contact we've had and schedules.

Anytime I'm unsure about whether we are on the same page, I use my words and communicate.

If assessing compatibility and acting on the results is shallow, so be it, it works though. I actually have relationships with people I'm attracted to. When does all your games stop and the actual relationship begin?
 
I've tried online dating (mostly for fun), but I didn't get any compatible answers, which I suspected I wouldn't. I filled out a survey for the dating site (eHarmony), but apparently they were unable to suggest proper matches.

So, no, I never did any serious online dating, and if I wanted to date somebody else now I wouldn't consider online dating. It's just words, and words cannot determine communication profile. People also lie a lot in their profiles.

When the game ends? Anything from a few months to a year. I've done it for three years in my youth, but that was too long.

Besides, as I've discovered I'm polyamory I can practically run the game forever, as I'm no longer exclusive in just one girl. I could let the same game run with more than one if I want to.
 
Even on okcupid? wow. I got the same from eharmony but I suspect it's because I enjoy sex outside of marriage, basically.
 
I'm not really interested in sexual relationships (I'm basically asexual), and I live in a monogamous marriage since more than 20 years. Although, it appears both wife and me are polyamorous, so I experiment a little with this, without necessarily wanting anything else than a friendship with a little more than normal attachment. I actually have no clear line between friendships and relationships either, and have a few friendships with girls online with some extra attachment to them. It's more interesting to experiment with this in real life though.
 
rdos said:
. . . speed dating is the extreme version of typical dating, which I'm sure you have been doing.
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Speed dating is an organized event usually held in restaurants and bars that a person signs up and pays for in advance. The organizers set it up so that there is an even number of people and each person gets to talk to everyone at the event for a specified number of minutes. They ring a bell in between each timed round, and the seated people stay seated while the circulating people get up and move on to the next seated person. It can be quite fun, or a total drag, but it's just an organized way to meet people and break the ice without having to play unintelligible and coy peekaboo games that others probably don't even know you're playing.

rdos said:
. . . it appears both wife and me are polyamorous, so I experiment a little with this, without necessarily wanting anything else than a friendship with a little more than normal attachment.
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Well, generally most people have multiple friends with varying degrees of "attachment" or closeness, but that would hardly be called polyamory.
 
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The difference between stalking and... something else, is whether or not the behavior is wanted. If two people enjoy interacting in a coy and timid manner, I don't see what the harm is. If one person enjoys interacting with another in a coy and timid manner and the other person would rather have no interaction, that'll lead to problems.

A little over ten years ago, my dad was talking to this woman on some dating site. He liked her a lot, but she was kind of hesitant to meet him in person. After they had been writing and talking on the phone for about two months, Thanksgiving plans came up in conversation, and she mentioned she had to work that night and didn't have any plans. She was a nurse at a rather large hospital. So, he decided it might be a good idea to make up a plate of Thanksgiving food and drop it off for her. He ran the idea past me a few days before because it occured to him it might be perceived as creepy. I told him there's really no way to know whether she'd perceive it as creppy or thoughtful. However, if she thought it was creppy, she'd probably just continue not meeting him in person and maybe stop talking to him, whereas if she thought positively of it it might open more possibilities, so he might as well go for it. For the final plan, he had one of the other nurses distract her so he could sneak into her office where he left the dinner, a single rose, and a handwritten note that said "Happy Thanksgiving" with his name signed to it.

Was this creepy? One or two of the other nurses thought so, most thought it was romantic. How did it turn out? The next day she sent him an e-mail that simply said "I'm ready to meet you now." They were together for six years after that, and as far as I know, are still friends to this day.

As for the scenerio in the OP being immature, so fucking what? I turn 30 tomorrow and I still play with Legos. Think playing with Legos is immature? Don't play with them. Same thing if someone starts with some coy shit and you're not into it; say so and ask them to stop. You know, that whole communication thing we're always going on about?
 
Kommander said:
As for the scenerio in the OP being immature, so fucking what?
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Un-bunch your underoos.

This is a discussion forum in which we discuss opinions about topics. In this particular case, the topic was volunteered by rdos and apparently there are some folks present who find the behavior described to be similar to stalking and to be an immature way to interact with other adults.

Just because you don't happen to like an opinion doesn't mean it is out of bounds or any less valid.
 
^Yes, and I stated differing opinions, stated that I disagreed with some of the opinions expressed, and offered explanations for my reasoning. Nowhere did I say any opinion expressed was invalid.

Being a discussion forum, occasionally people express opinions that differ from other opinions stated. This does not mean that any opinions expressed are invalid.

Furthermore, I didn't even really disagree with anyone. I didn't say it wasn't stalking, only that the context was unclear and context is important. I also didn't say that it wasn't immature, just that I don't think it matters. You know, the whole discussing opinions about topics thing you mentioned.

So, what was your point? Did you just feel like being condescending and thought I'd make a good target? If so, glad to help. ;)
 
I didn't say it was stalking, I said ithe OP reminded me of a stalker's perspective of their victim's behaviour. Stalkers often believe that their advances are reciprocated or at least wanted, albeit covertly.

I'm sure many grown ups play these little games instead of communicating in a forthcoming and concise manner. I know some have tried it with me. It's just not my thing. I know how seriously wrong things can go when communication is ineffective so I don't risk it.
 
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