Having a hard time understanding my feelings

R

Rachelina

Member
Hi, I haven't been here in a while. I first joined this site when my husband fell in love with another woman 6 or 7 years ago. She lived with us for most of that time and had two children with my husband, but that relationship ended last year and she no longer lives with us. None of us had other relationships while she was with us.

When that relationship ended, I told my husband he was free to date other people. He didn't seem very interested, but about two weeks ago he did spend a day with a woman he's had a mutual attraction with for a long time, and the next day she came over and they ended up having sex, which I hadn't been expecting.

Since then I've been struggling with a lot of pain that I have trouble classifying: part jealousy, part feeling bad about myself because she's much younger and more beautiful, part wanting that kind of excitement for myself even though I've never had any sort of polyamorous relationship. I also find myself thinking about her constantly, wanting to know more about her. AND along with the pain I feel this weird joy that it happened, and hope that it happens again (which it may not because she lives quite far away). I find myself planning how it'll be if she comes again, how I'll cook a nice meal for her, how they can have my room instead of the junky spare room. I feel like I've lost my mind, and wish I could just put this behind me, because it may have been a one time thing.

I'm curious to see if anyone has any insight into my confused tangle of feelings. And mainly I think I just need a little empathy. I have no one to talk to about this pain: none of my friends are poly; they would just say well, if it hurts so much, don't let it happen again! What I need is someone to validate that yes, this hurts, it is a difficult thing. And it is also a good thing.

Thanks for reading!
 
I see a lot of potential causes for strong, conflicted emotions here. You didn't state that you had a problem with the live-in partner or the fact that your husband had kids with her... but was that a smooth experience? Might unaddressed emotions from that situation be bleeding into this one?

Also: from your post, it sounds kind of like you had no warning that this new partner would come over for sex. Is that correct? Do you have any rules or guidelines in place for keeping each other in the loop, and avoiding surprises?
 
Thanks Hinterlands. The previous relationship was smooth at times, very rocky at times and ultimately didn't work out (for a lot of complicated reasons). I do have a lot of grief about it ending, grief for lost friendship and the ability to raise our children together in one family. But that doesn't seem particularly related to the heartache I'm feeling now.

And no, I didn't have warning that she would come over for sex, but I don't think she came over *for* sex; that's just how it turned out, which is fine. I understand the need for spontaneity. We don't have guidelines or rules other than basic honesty. If I ever feel the need for them I'm sure we can work them out. Right now I don't think I need help navigating polyamory.....just looking for a little empathy and validation :) Thanks again!
 
Yes, it's normal to have all kinds of emotions around sex and romance :)

You say you have no one to talk to, are you safe in showing these emotions to your husband? Can he help you through your confusion? (That's what I would prefere ... just have someone hug me and let it out.)

I do have a lot of grief about it ending, grief for lost friendship and the ability to raise our children together in one family. But that doesn't seem particularly related to the heartache I'm feeling now.
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Actually, when I read the original post (expecially that little bit about inviting her over and cooking), I also thought you might be missing your former metamour. Just to consider :)

Good luck!
 
Thank you Tinwen! Yes, I'm safe in sharing these emotions with my husband, and he's been wonderful about it. He's just been absorbing a lot of my emotions since this happened, so I thought I would give him a break and find someone else to talk to :) And, I worry that if I share too much pain about this, he'll feel bad about it and not see her (or anyone else) again, in spite of my telling him it's fine and I'm happy for him. That would be the last thing I want. Because there is something so sweet about this pain; it's pain and joy mixed together.

And yes....I do miss my former metamour. Thanks for seeing that. I guess heartache is sort of fungible, if that's the right word....it's impossible to say which part is from missing her and which part is from the new woman. I've already gone through several months of grieving our lost relationship and felt like I was mostly over it. But maybe this new thing has brought up some of that pain, especially because it reminds me so much of the pain of the time when she and my husband first fell in love seven years ago.

It's good to be reminded this kind of emotion is normal. There seems to be a belief in our society that pain is a sign of something wrong and we should work to get rid of it, but sometimes pain is necessary and good. I love the Rilke quote "Trust in the difficult."

Thanks again for listening!
 
Hi Rachelina,

Yes, what you have been feeling is quite normal; no need to beat yourself up about it. I think you'll start feeling better after awhile, after you get used to what happened and what may happen, if that makes sense. I also think it's commendable that you're supporting your husband even when it's difficult. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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