Having a tough Sunday

L

lisa6

New member
Hi!

Little background .. husband and myself in a closed triad with my BFF for over 2 years...

BFF just told us that she is taking a weekend trip to the islands with the ex and her kids.. He invited her to go with the kids and himself..

I understand getting along for the kids etc.. but I don't think this requires someone to go away with their ex and the kids..

I am upset.. and she never even talked to us about it first.. actually we found out about it by talking to the ex.. although the decision was just made but still...

I have never been divorced so I don't know but is it common to go on vacation with your ex and the kids?
 
Are the kids with her or does he have custody? If he has custody it's perfectly understandable that she would want that time with the kids.

I had a friend who would have to take his ex with him if he wanted to do vacation with the kids. He wasn't the most responsible guy and she wanted to keep an eye on them.

Personally, I have two kids from two different exes. One you couldn't have paid me enough to hang out with. The other one was cool and we would hang out and do occasional family type outings.

I don't think I would begrudge my partner a free vacation.
 
Thanks for the input..

She has custody.. her ex is a decent guy and we are on a friendly basis with him..although he doesn't know we are in a relationship with his ex wife..

Like I said I don't have experience with having anne husband nor have I ever dated anyone who has kids and has an ex..

I guess I just wish she told us about it before he did.. we were blindsided..I would never tell her not to go I just wish she talked about with us first
 
lisa6 said:
I have never been divorced so I don't know but is it common to go on vacation with your ex and the kids?
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I am divorced and have sole custody of the kids with husband "free to take him on visits, including overnight, as long as there is a willing adult NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL to take responsibility of the child and his needs" - this is actually in the divorce petition and made it through in the decree. Caps lock included, I think, though I need to check that.

Needless to say, my socializing with my husband is ZERO. He comes to meet kid on occasion and depending on how his alcoholism is going, we have a civil conversation or absolute silence or preemptive eviction. I do not interact with him AT ALL outside my home where he comes to visit/pick up HIS son. Who happens to be mine as well and cared 24/7 by me.

If he took kid on a holiday and invited me along? I'd ask whether he lacked the sober caretaker for kid. I'd refuse either way.

But then some divorces can be "friendly" ones... no idea on those. Ours is only "pseudo friendly" - I threatened him with charges for domestic violence and alimony + maintenance expences for kid unless he agreed to share a lawyer who I'd pay for fully for a much faster divorce. Price I paid for my freedom.
 
God forbid your girlfriend do what she feels best is for her children.

Not everyone has a bad relationship with their ex.

Why does your gf have to clear her vacation plans with you? She is an adult. You are not paying for it.

Stop overanalyzing everything she does.
 
Is this a communication issue, like "We always plan our weekends together and an earlier heads up would've been nice", or "Wait a minute! Since when are you on such good terms with your ex? How come you have not mentioned this?"

Or is this a bit of a insecurity issue like "People don't hang out with their exes unless they are thinking of getting back together! She might be ready to leave us because she didn't tell us before deciding!"
 
I think mainly a communication issue..

The ex husband caught me off guard when he brought up the plans before she had a chance to tell me.. we also have a very friendly relationship with her ex husband.. although the ex husband doesn't know we are involved with my BFF..

Also I was a little confused..I don't know any divorced couples who vacation together with the kids...

She does have a friendly relationship with both her ex husbands.. she has been married twice...
 
Boy just recently went on a vacation with his ex, her husband, and her family (one parent and the siblings). It was no big deal. They're friends, they invited him on a trip he would enjoy, he went. I actually found out from the ex that he was invited and convinced him to go. He was iffy about the length of the trip.

You stress about every decision this woman makes. Let her live! Be happy that she can still create such a warm environment for her kids. If you're tired of being in the closet, then break up with her. This constant concern about HER decisions as an adult really comes across as a lack of trust and very judgmental.
 
I am not concerned about every decision she makes..

I am thrilled that her kids have a solid and stable family environment ..

It isn't a lack of trust.. it was a lack of communication...also I lack experience in dating and particular with someone who has kids.

I never said I was tired of being in the closet.. I just said her ex doesn't know that's it.

And I really don't think I am judgemental.
 
Actually, I have looked back on your threads and, about every month or so, something comes up in her behavior that makes you upset.

You scrutinize everything she does (or doesn't) do. I know you don't have much dating experience, but having someone constantly judging my behavior rather than just accepting it for what it is, would drive me CRAZY.

Maybe that's exactly the reason why she didn't tell you? Because she knew how you would react and she just didn't have the energy to deal with it at the time?

At some point you really have to quit examining everything she does under a microscope. Being hypervigilant isn't going to get her to stay with you; it might drive her away.
 
I have to agree with other comments about here. It sounds like you expect that she would have discussed something like this with you before she made a decision, but unless you support her financially, I don't really see why you get any say.

And yes, you found our from her ex first... but if you're friends with her ex and talk to them both then of course there are sometimes going to be things that you find out from one before the other. Is there some expectation that the moment she makes any sort of plan she must report back to you guys? It sounds like she would have told you eventually.

I think maybe you need to take some time to really examine what is causing you to react to actions that your g/f makes since this is a common thread. Is this because of some insecurity that maybe her not sharing things means she's not that into you? Fear that she's going to break up with you? If you felt more confident in your relationship would it matter to you less if you weren't included in every single deicion or is this more a matter of a fundamental incompatibility where her communication style is "I'll get around to tell them" and yours is "I need to know about things right away"?
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Actually, I have looked back on your threads and, about every month or so, something comes up in her behavior that makes you upset.

You scrutinize everything she does (or doesn't) do. I know you don't have much dating experience, but having someone constantly judging my behavior rather than just accepting it for what it is, would drive me CRAZY.

Maybe that's exactly the reason why she didn't tell you? Because she knew how you would react and she just didn't have the energy to deal with it at the time?

At some point you really have to quit examining everything she does under a microscope. Being hypervigilant isn't going to get her to stay with you; it might drive her away.
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This 110%
 
Sort of on a side note...It is great that you are okay with her friendly relations with her exes. I have a dear friend of 20 years whose girlfriend wanted him to have nothing more to do, not only with his ex (with whom he still did things occasionally), but with our whole circle of friends! It has been sad.
 
I know a few people who are on really friendly terms with their ex, and I know some who do take vacations together.

My DH's dad is divorced and remarried to my DH's mother, so it's a rather large and split family. We have been known to organize large camping trips that include ALL the children, and therefore, My father-in-laws ex wife and her husband, along with my father and mother in law. In fact, because it's a small town, we ended up across the street from his ex wife and her husband, and we'd end up hanging out.

This certainly isn't the norm, but it's AWESOME because it shows they're both good enough to put the needs of the kids ahead of themselves and their bitterness. I'd say it's a good thing.

As for not clearing her plans with you - seems odd she would have to in the first place? Why does this bother you so much?
 
Sucks that her ex blindsided you before she could tell you, but if she and her ex are on friendly terms, I don't see the problem. From your question and "I don't think this requires", I had thought you were indignant that she was expected to go on this trip against her wish because her ex was taking the kids. My post should be taken in that context - that I won't be forced into ANY social contact because my ex happens to be my child's father.

After reading more posts on the thread, I agree with the others. And also about the unreasonable scrutiny. Your indignation/upset over her plans seems to be disproportionate. I now realize that you are judging her (not her ex) very harshly for not reading your mind. For example "I don't think this requires..." Something doesn't have to be unavoidable for her to choose it.

Also "I don't think this requires" indicates disapproval of her going at all - as opposed to her not having told you first or you discovering from her ex - which came later after reading responses. It seems really unfair for a relationship "in the closet" to have that much control on her. Understandable if you were openly together and had shared responsibilities or a default shared schedule that would be disrupted by her weekend. Even then, it would be understandable if she let you down on some shared responsibility or plan. You judging her choices as necessary or not necessary, as though she isn't free to choose beyong unavoidable necessity - wouldn't even be nice in a monogamous marriage.
 
Hi lisa6,

Because you all have a good relationship with BFF's ex, I think it is okay for her to go on a trip with him. I am assuming this trip doesn't conflict with plans you had already made with her? If it doesn't, I would say let her go on the trip and have a good time. It sounds like her ex is trustworthy.

You mentioned finding out about it from the ex, but only when "the decision was just made" ... Is it possible that BFF was going to tell you, but her ex beat her to the punch? I would encourage you to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Is there anything else about this trip that troubles you? Are you afraid BFF is going to break up with you, and get back together with her ex? Something else? Something similar?

As a side note, is she still not taking her meds? Is that affecting this current situation? Is she stressed and depressed?

I hope you can get things worked out with her.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi!

I would never expect my girlfriend to ask permission to do anything..

And I am sure she planned to tell me and husband her plans..her ex husband just beat her to the punch I am sure..

It was hard in the sense that although I knew they were friendly and I didn't realize she would consider going away with ex and the kids.. it was a little hard hiding my surprise and I need to hide some of my thoughts and feeling cause girlfriend does not want our relationship out of
 
I am sad to hear that you feel you need to hide some of your thoughts and feelings, do you mean from your girlfriend or from the forum (or both)? I don't think you did anything wrong, you were just hurt and surprised.

I hope everything will work out.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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