He only loves me when he's with someone else

D

DeadpoolsHarley

New member
I'm really struggling in a long term relationship. We've known one another 19 years and been together for 12.

My partner has always been short tempered (not violent, just easily frustrated), easily embarrassed, extremely low libeto, couldn't talk about things without saying "I don't know", never very affectionate or loving. It's always been this way, so we never questioned it.

2 years ago we had a spontaneous threesome and he snapped. The next day, he started crying, could tell me how much he loves me, we talked about all kinds of things for hours. For three weeks afterward he was fun, loving, kind, affectionate, happy, and amazing. Life was great.

Then he crashed. He fell into a three day spiral of hate. We took this as a sign something was medically wrong. We went to doctors for a year. Other than Hashimoto, nothing was medically wrong.

We had another chance encounter almost a year later. He was great for a few days. Then it just went away.

We decided to open the relationship. I've had 3 partners. He hasn't cared. He started talking to one girl and our lives got immeasurably better - but he started lying about things for no reason (things that were totally ok within our relationship, but he was hiding anyway). He stopped talking to her and everything went back to being terrible.

He recently met someone else, and they started talking after a one night stand. Things got better between us again. This time we had many long conversations about why that was, and he doesn't know. He's talking to this person regularly and has gone on a date with them. When we aren't in deep conversation where we are both crying because we don't understand what's going on, things between us are great. This is the most loving and most considerate and wonderful he's ever been. But I know he is pursuing this other person romantically.

Neither of us can fully accept why our lives are like this. My inner voice won't stop asking why he can only be loving and affectionate when there's someone else. I've been with other people - none seriously, and no one that I loved. I'm not jealous about them being together, but the idea I am only loved when someone else is around causes me to die a little inside every day. The worst part is that I know he truly and honestly loves me with every bit of who he is.

Has anyone ever heard of this? Is this just the way some people are? Does anyone have any advice? I'm tired of feeling this way.
 
More like walls

Hi Galagirl,

I read the definition of that, and no that doesn't sound accurate. He's just not happy or affectionate unless he's also seeing someone on the side. It's not that he lacks the words, he just doesn't seem to care at all, if that makes sense? It's almost like there's a giant wall between us, and when he's seeing someone else, the wall comes down... As soon as the other person isn't in play, the wall is there again.
 
Hello DeadpoolsHarley,

Possibly your partner's mood is being affected by NRE, New Relationship Energy. It doesn't sound like he's gone out with anyone, except you, long enough for NRE to wear off. Can you remember, did he have NRE when you and he first got together? Did he treat you good at that time? Maybe his NRE with you wore off and that's when his walls went up.

Sounds like a frustrating situation.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Is this like push-pull?

I suppose in the end it doesn't matter what is causing it. If this is where things are at? And not likely to change?

HIM
  • short tempered (not violent, just easily frustrated)
  • easily embarrassed
  • extremely low libido
  • cannot talk about things without saying "I don't know"
  • never very affectionate or loving and it's always been this way
---- up to here I wonder with all this stuff why you got together in the first place. Sounds really lonely for you ---------
  • Hashimoto
  • only shows you affection when dating someone else
  • started lying about things for no reason
  • things are terrible when he isn't dating someone else
  • cannot fully accept why his life is like this
  • he just doesn't seem to care at all
  • giant wall between you

------ then with the compounding problems I wonder why you continue the relationship. Do you get enough return on your investment? -----

YOU
  • cannot fully accept why your life is like this
  • your inner voice won't stop asking why he can only be loving and affectionate when there's someone else.
  • Participating in this relationship like this makes you die a little inside every day.
  • you know he loves you with every bit of who he is (but sounds like it is not enough for you to be healthy and happy here)
  • you are tired of feeling this way.

I understand you guys have been together a long time. I can imagine there are probably some things you enjoy about the relationship and it isn't all bad.

At the same time, you sound like you could do some soul searching to see if the pros still outweigh the cons for you. You may have to decide if this is healthy for you or not. You may have to decide if you want to keep going with this or not.

That would be my advice. If this is basically "what you see is what you get" here? Nothing is going to change? And you are tired of the same ol' same ol'?

You could do your soul searching and decide if you want to keep going with this or not. You sound unhappy. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
My go to assumption would be that the relationship does not meet his needs, he is unhappy, and when he sees someone else, more needs are met so he is a nicer person.
Click to expand...
This is an option. I seems so.

At the same time it could be totally wrong. Maybe it's the best he can do in a long term relationship. NRE does tend to open people up an free them from their long ingrained pain for a while. People have all kinds of unresolved trauma and issues. However, to deal with those and become a more well-rounded person is an assignment for psychological work that takes decades, even if the person is willing to do it (including finding the right kind of therapy in the first place).

Overall I agree with Galagirl - maybe the reason doesn't matter. He's this way and a decision has to be made to either accept it or make a change.
 
There are people who tend to lose interest in their partners to some degree, as soon as the initial "spark" wears off (i.e. once NRE fades).

Many more begin to take their long-term partners for granted after a number of years, for a variety of reasons, including "life getting in the way", putting the children's needs ahead of the relationship, financial stress, tiredness/working too much, depression or general apathy... and ultimately grow apart emotionally.

Some people are just not very demonstrative or vocal about emotional matters (feelings, sexual needs). They may simply be wired that way and are not inclined to romantic gestures. Even sex may not hold the appeal it once did, though nothing may be medically amiss.

My male partner is like this. He is highly intelligent, is somewhat of a substance user, and has ADHD with some autistic traits. Routine bores him and leaves him apathetic and listless. He needs the stimulation of new experiences to motivate him... the rush that comes with novelty.

Your partner may be stimulated (mentally and emotionally as well as sexually) when a new partner is on the scene... and this energy transfers itself into your relationship for as long as the other one lasts. A flow-on effect from the enjoyment he's getting from interacting with someone new, if you will.

I'm not sure how you could address this issue, except to discuss it in detail and try to get to the root of the matter, perhaps with the help of a relationship counsellor. The status quo isn't fair to you, that's for sure. Efforts will have to be made to make sure your needs are not being forgotten or neglected when he's not in an NRE phase. The first step will be getting him to acknowledge he's doing this... trying to determine why... then figuring out how to strike a balance you can both live with.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top