Head spinning. Every day is a different adventure.

vanquish

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Without me asking or even hinting, she decided to spend the night so Im happy. Lots of cuddling last night in bed which is awesome. I hate the nights when we're both so spread out that there's no real contact.

I've noticed that I've stopped focusing on her text messaging in a big way. I feel this was not only my own change in focus, but also in her change in behavior. There were months when she would be glued to her phone and Id feel left out. I've since adapted by living on my phone more and doing other activities, as well as not assuming that every time she's on her phone its with a rival suitor. She has also done a great job of putting the phone down when she sees I'm about to make contact (crawl over to her or propose some new activity for us).

Again, I'm sure she'll go home at some point, but it wasn't last night so I'm happy.
 

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As it turns out, despite expressing thoughts to the contrary, M has stayed over for the past several nights. I'm supportive of whatever she wants to do, but I love waking up next to her so much.

The girl she recently went on a date with goes on a trip to NYC today. I'm sure that when she gets back they'll be spending more time together (which is great!) and M will want to use her parents' house as home base. I'd like to think I'm getting better about being alone, but that's easy to say when I'm not actually being tested.

As it turns out, finances are sloooooowly turning around. I got most of the utilities switched over into my name, as they had been in my father's...which had the ancillary effect of bringing the balances down to zero for me. The estate will have to pay them as creditors, which will get done within the year. But I've "whistled through the graveyard" as my grandmother would say. My Dad would have chuckled. My side business on eBay selling cosplay/comic costumes is also picking up. So that's really nice. I hope it keeps going well.
 

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Bit of a hiccup in the middle of a great night last night, but it taught me something and ended well.


A buddy of mine who works on economic development for the city informed me about an artists' showcase at one of the supper clubs downtown about noon yesterday. I texted M to see if she wanted to go and got a resounding "YES!" It was from 5-8 so by the time I got home from work she was almost ready. I changed suits and refreshed myself, then we headed off.

The art was meh at best, but I did strike up a conversation with a wonderful lady who produces and directs movies. She complimented us as a couple and asked if we were married. After giving our usual, playful "ohhhh hellll noooo" (not exactly those words) I told her, "We're both poly. We're committed to each other but we also see other people." Boom. Short and sweet. It didn't phase her at all although you could see the gears turning in her head for about a second. She continued to compliment M's look, saying she'd be perfect for several movies that both she and another director in a larger town were doing. I played the role of M's cheerleader and humorist, keeping the conversation going and really supporting M's capabilities as a model and actress. It's not flattery. She's great at what she does. It's just she needs more work and bigger opportunities.

We came home on cloud 9 and were in the best of moods. We cracked open a bottle of wine and started teasing each other. The mood turned a little sleepy after the second bottle of wine and she was on her phone a lot. Her phone screen happened to be in my line of sight so I saw she was texting someone back and forth. After a breezy inquiry, I found out it was a new possible romantic person, but didn't make a big deal of it. We had settled into watching t.v. and just messing around on our phones. Eventually it got to be 2 a.m. so I told her I was going upstairs. She gave me a sexy smile and said she'd be up "soon". She'd made a few comments about us having sex unprompted by me earlier when we'd gotten home...and since sexual frequency has been a minor issue, I was excited.

I went upstairs and got the room ready. Did all the things one does to groom one's self beforehand, make everything nice. And then nothing. 10 mins goes by. 20 mins goes by. 30 mins goes by and I'm still waiting. In my brain, she's either forgotten about the sex or too preoccupied with this new guy to remember that I was waiting. I became really frustrated, so I put some clothes back on and went downstairs to the computer and started puttering around. To her credit she was shutting off the t.v. and heading upstairs when I got there, but it felt like I'd been forgotten. She saw that I was mopey so we both explained ourselves, albeit in a rather prickly manner. She said she'd told me she'd be up after the episode of the show we were watching was over. I hadn't heard that and still felt like having to wait was a bit much. In the end we chalked it up to a misunderstanding and had a wild, crazy 3 hours of KST (Kiss, Slap & Tickle), then the appropriate aftercare.

I'm a little disappointed in myself for getting nervous about someone she was texting. I've been so good at that for months now. I see now that it was a misunderstanding and I do much better when I don't let my imagination get the better of me.
 

vanquish

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Things are still going well. I'm writing this from the early morning comfort of my warm bed with my baby snuggled up behind me.

Yesterday I spent over 6 hours helping M clean her room back at her parents' house. You have to understand, this thing was insane. You couldn't see the floor at all or even the bed. She had clothes to sell on Poshmark, clothes to donate, clothes to keep, and Clothes to give to family.

About halfway through she pulled me aside and said, "you know this means I'll be spending more time here, right?" Of course I did. I smiled and held her reassuringly,and let her know I was ok with that. I told her I wanted her to succeed and reintegrating wth her family was important.

As I've alluded to before, she's a little out of place in her family atm. Her mother had a very traumatic first marriage and is nowremarried to amuch better man who doesn't mind that she is living out her own rock & roll fantasy through her son.The kid has talent, but managing him is just as much a way for her to live a young, vibrant life and experience the music scene as well as get out of the house as it is to really support his career. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing lady & mother. The kind you'd loveto havefor your own...and after all her pain and hard work she deserves some fun, but it's not fair to M.

All the mom's time and effort are spent on the brothers Career, not M's. Even worse, the longer M spends at my house, the more she is forgotten. Perfect example - food. M is a vegetarian and her brother is a full-on vegan. When she does come home, the fridge is totally stocked with all his expensive designer vegan stuff, but there's not even close to as much for her. And as with moth brothers and sisters, if she eats any of his stuff, the kid goes ballistic. I've bought him tons of food while we've been out places, but if she takes some of his sacred shit, he pitches a fit, which pisses me off.

So she does need to go back and get reintegrated. Having a room that she enjoys will be part of that. We listened to podcasts that told ghost stories and she showed me all those nostalgic pieces that are part of who she is today. She's done that before and I always enjoy getting to know her more. We hit a good lick and got the room totally done, including taking down all the stuff on her walls so she can totally redecorate.

Im happy to do it, but would be lying if I wasn't already missing her a bit in anticipation. Not a lot. I'm handling it, but of course I have no way of knowing yet how much I won't be getting to see her. I'll also be getting less information about her other dates which isn't super troubling, but that information is comforting to me so I like knowing.
 
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vanquish

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Slight setback, but I'm working through it.

Yesterday we had a great day. Took M out for lunch somewhere nice after having gotten a windfall and she begged me to stay home in the cutest little way, but I had to get back to work. We arranged to meet our new casting director friend out for dinner at the best little Mexican place in my neighborhood.

The casting director made some comments about how perfect we are together, how funny, how in love and then asked when we were getting married. I thought we'd already covered that the first time we all met, but I guess it didn't sink in or she just felt strongly about two people who fit so well needing to get married.

We reexplained our situation in depth, describing how I just went on a date recently that M helped me get ready for and vice versa. M explained that it wasn't because of anything in particular, but she liked variety in her romance, while still feeling very committed to me and loving me. She even said she was "absolutely smitten and in love" with me. Always great to hear.

I'd done about as much of the talking as M had, but M explained that she'd been living with me for a bit longer than she was comfortable with, and she'd be going home to spend time with her family more. Hearing her tell a third person really brought it home for me. I can't say it didn't tug at me a little. But it was also good for me to tell our new friend that I support her and want to help her make whatever choices were going to make her feel the best and empower her the most. Saying that out loud reminded me that it wasn't just lip service. I really meant it.

I bought her some wine on the way home and we settled in to watch movies. I kind of crashed and then woke up about 1 am when she was ready to head up to bed. Looking back I did need the sleep, but I kind of wasted the chance at some quality time with her. When we went up to bed I saw one of my large suitcases packed with her clothes and it kind of woke me up. I didn't comment or react much, but she did see my face and reminded me that it's not that big a deal. I let her know I knew that and that I know she needs to re-integrate with her family. Suddenly the semi-wasted night seemed much more wasted because I didn't spend it watching movies with her as much as I could have.

We talked this morning. She's not sure if she's going back tonight or tomorrow night to start sleeping at her mom's. I feel sorry for her because her brother recently played to rave reviews at a singer-songwriter workshop and the mother gushed about it to all of us over text. It bounced right off of M like water off a duck's back, but I don't see her getting nearly that much attention and promotion any time soon. Her mother is amazing and loves M a lot, but things won't ever be equal in that regard. Especially if she's out of sight, out of mind.

My role as her cheerleader and promoter is partially at odds with her need for space and autonomy. So, for the person I love, I need to step back. Honestly, I need to not read into things so much. It's not a breakup and we still have an amazing connection. My needs for love and interaction will still be met, I'll just be seeing her less. That's it. I really need to get over it.

I already helped her clean up her room and now we'll be working together to make it over into something more enjoyable to stay in. She's talked about how she'll have me over a lot and maybe even engage in some hanky-panky when the family isnt around. That does happen fairly often enough that it's not a false promise so I'm excited :)
 

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Micro-update.

I thought she was heading home last night, but she didn't. I'm not really obsessing over it (though it's been the focus of several of these updates), but it's something I think about at least once a day. I need to try and let that sort itself out and focus on other things.

M's made a real effort on the sexual frequency thing. Last night we played again and it was fun. I'd go into more detail, but I don't think anyone wants to read that ;)

I'm loving my life with her in a way I never did with my ex wife of 14 years. But I have to be ready for this relationship to constantly be in flux. It's a weird feeling. She's worth it though. More than worth it. We love each other in a way that is utterly fulfilling. We make each other better and make each other laugh. We inspire and excite each other.

On the home front, I'm considering selling my huge house and moving into something smaller. I could sell it for a decent price, after I fix up a few things and move into one much smaller, and pocket a fair amount of cash. M's been helping me look for houses and we've even gone to see a few. I'd hate losing her sister and brother-in-law as tenants because that pays my bills (mostly), but it's possible they might want to move with us. I haven't asked.

Selling the house is an emotional thing as it's where my mother died and my father lived until he died about a year ago. "Losing" it because I'm not able to get my law practice afloat would feel like a failure. It could be fun though because I could finance my business, put other money into a new business with M we've been discussing, paying off bills, and doing some fun stuff too. I'm slowly but surely thinking about that. I need to get off my ass and fix up the house, but I'm just having fun doing fun things with M. It's not her fault. I just have little willpower when it comes to her. She wants me to succeed and encourages me to grow and make progress, I just have this huge lazy streak.
 
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vanquish

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Ha! Isn't that always the way.

M had been really down because her mother and brother had come back from being on tour, but hadn't spent any time with her. Plans had fallen through for a few days, but it wasn't hard to see that the mom just needed time to relax and compose herself after promoting the brother's music all the way out to Texas for SXSW and back to Alabama.

We had a nice morning together where M got up earlier than usual for a short time while I was getting ready and then a long lunch that she asked me to stay home for. It was a bit rough going at the beginning for M because at first she thought her mother was just taking her shopping for a girls' day, but then was told her brother was nosing his way into the group. I texted her mom to just give her a head's up about what M needed and the mother texted back that it turned out the brother wasn't coming and all was cool. Whew.

After that it got even better and I couldnt have been more happy for M. The mother said they weren't just going to go shopping, but also work on fixing up her room and doing some other activities together. M beamed from across the room and talked about how amazing her mother was and that everyone should have a mother like hers. Absolutely. They really should.

I stayed until the mother came to pick her up, whereupon M told me promptly "See you tomorrow!" and gave me a peck. It hadn't dawned on me, even with everything I've written above that tonight was going to be the night. I said,"Oh, right. Well, see you tomorrow!" and kissed her right back, heading to work.

Oddly I'm fine and have so much stuff to do that I'm sure I'll be fine tonight. We'll see if that holds up but ultimately I know she needs the time and space and family connection. Things will be good. And I can work on me.
 

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Anyone like a tennis match? Going back and forth has taught me that some things are worth fretting over, some just work they way they are going to work and there's only so much you can do.

Turns out last night I was fine being alone. I've been pretty wound up for reasons not relating to my relationship so despite having a lot to do around the house, I just let go and relaxed with the pets. I downloaded the new Captain America movie (I'll go see it twice in the theater at least) and the old Hulk (2008) movie that my ex got in the divorce.

The cats jumped up on top of me and the dogs curled around my feet. Life wasn't so dramatic on my own.

And then...about 2 in the morning M's mother dropped Audrey off at my house, drunk as a skunk. Hahahahahaha. They'd been partying at a mutual friend's house and it turns out she had a modeling job in town the next day. (She says today that she told me about it last night, but I swear she didn't. Thus the prior hand-wringing.)

So we spent the night again and hung out during an extra-long lunch today. She is so adorable every time I say I have to go she uses her babygirl voice and coyly looks at me and panders for me to stay. It's awwwwdorable and makes me melt instantly. I end up taking an extra hour for lunch (I set my own schedule and it could easily have been a sales call) and she still wants more. I need to remember moments like these if I'm ever worried that spending time apart means she doesn't want to be with me.

Will she go home tonight? Probably. Who knows? I'm not gonna sweat it. :D

Note Well: Members have expressed a preference for names rather than initials, so I'll be referring to M as "Audrey" from now on.
 
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vanquish

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Been a few days since I've posted so I thought Id jump in and make a note or two.

It's Sundy early morning, the light outside is low, the rain is coming down in sheets only to land on the back tin roof, and the bedroom is cool. Audrey's legs, my legs, and the warm blankets that warm us are all intertwined like a braid. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

Yesterday was a great day of thrifting and getting lots done. It did not go unnoticed that last night she received a text from a guy shes been out on a date with and she turned him down when he asked her out. At first read, this may sound like "Yea! I get to monopolize her time!", but what I'm happy about is the fact that we were in a groove and it didn't feel right to just break out of it. Not that she has a problem with that...she doesn't. It's just a great reaffirmation.
 

vanquish

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Taking new meds and feeling a little weird tonight. Not bad, just kinda meh.

I've got tons of cleaning...but I don't want to do it. I keep wanting to do something artistic, but I'm not really feeling like really doing that either. The internet and movies aren't really doing it for me at the moment either.

Audrey and I are in a great place. It's not like we're bored of each other or having a disagreement. We're just kind of both doing our own thing about 8 feet away from each other. Every 20 mins or so I'll get up and give her a kiss. She wiggles and smiles and kisses me right back.

I used to ask a lot more questions about who she's met on her dating apps and how their ongoing conversations are going. I've gotten out of that habit which is good. If she's on her phone I just assume she's on Tumblr or Facebook or Instagram, which means I'm not jealous. I have noticed that she is talking to at least one new person. Again that doesn't bother me at all in general, but when I feel like we could be connecting, the thought that this kind of energy is going into someone else over text isn't a happy one. I'm not pissed, pouty, or even thinking about it all that often, but just maybe once or twice a day.

Is that a normal poly thought? Is it normal to wonder if the energy spent on a metamour was spent on our relationship then would our relationship be even better?

I do feel very loved. Doesn't change the fact I'm bored and tired. The reality is that no other person can be responsible for your entertainment...at least not all the time. Nothing really to worry about. Time will bring things around.
 

vanquish

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Finding myself more curious lately about the other people Audrey is meeting on date apps and texting throughout the day. For a long time I've been cool with that, but I'm not sure why this is bubbling up now.

Domestic life is great. We're still in love and very affectionate. Sexual frequency isn't an issue. We're still very connected emotionally and mentally, with both of us being very supportive and involved in taking care of one another. The DD/lg side of things is still an important part of how we interact with each other, though the way we practice it has always been a bit of a hybrid.

I suppose it's just times where we're sitting for long periods watching tv and browsing through Tumblr and Facebook on our phones that I start to wonder. She's texting her bff and her mom and her sister, but also other romantic possibles. It's not jealousy over some other person talking to her, it's more that the energy of the conversations she's having with them could be being spent with me. Improving the couch potato time.

I have to realize that those types of conversations are mostly a continual rehash of the getting to know you part of a relationship. She enjoys meeting new people, getting to know them as well as them getting to know her. Which means I'm comparing apples to oranges. (It's been forever since she's been out on a date with someone else, but I'm sure it will happen at some point. It'll be a little weird, but it's not new territory and I'm fine if she does.)

I also need to remind myself that silence and hanging out doing nothing in each other's presence when things are good is a level of contentment and comfort that is intimate. In other words, we don't always have to be talking or interacting for things to be "ok".

As we speak, she's initiated a long conversation over text message with attachments, and we do a million things together in the span of a week, so it's not a major issue at all. I'm not freaking out by any means, just wondering if we can improve our couch potato time.
 

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Second post today. I think it's the Adderall that has me so ...meh. I've typed out this entry at least 7 times and scrapped it every time. My head is going in circles and I can't seem to figure things out.

As I said before, everything in our relationship is better than ever. That's not just rose-colored glasses. It really is.

I've pinned down that I'm unsettled about the amount of attention I'm getting while we're just hanging out. The entire last week or so has been us, with the dogs, in the tv parlour watching tv and being on our phones or the computer. 75% is us, in silence, doing something on our phones to ourselves. We talk, make meals, let the dogs out back, plant plants, and cuddle up at night to go to bed. Everything seems exactly as it has been - in fact, everything is more domestic and settled than it ever has been.

I get bored just watching tv and browsing our phones. I've asked if she's bored or wants to do something else. She says she's happy and there's not much to do in this town, so things are cool. She says she loves me. She shows me she loves me. If we were to analyze it together, I couldn't point to any deficiency in our life except for our free time getting a bit stale.

I keep coming back to the fact that she seems to be texting one person and our interaction has become stale as a result. It's not romantic jealousy or sexual jealousy. She hasn't been on a date in months or had sex with anyone else in months. Even if she did, I'd be fine with that. I can say that I'm comfortable with the poly lifestyle.

What's picking at me is that I'm sitting there bored and she's engrossed in a text conversation. I think I have to get off the Adderall AND start figuring out something fun to do with my own time. I can't expect anyone to be my source of fun.
 
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vanquish

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Not sure what was going on a week and a half ago. I suppose it was just a natural cycle of activity and non-activity. There were long periods where we weren't fighting, but we just weren't interacting as much as we had. That has subsided and we've been interacting a lot more lately. It's really been great. Audrey said something a month ago about needing/wanting to spend time at home, which I supported, but it hasn't materialized. Heck, the back-and-forth tennis match about whether "this was the night" stopped in my brain and I just haven't worried about it. Namely, because she's stayed with me.

Yesterday was Pascha (Greek Orthodox Easter) for her family, which meant a get together at their house and lots of food. I've felt her brother, sister, and sister's fiance being cold to me lately. About halfway through it was evident that I could have been a fly on the wall and no one would have noticed. I get totally left out of conversations. I'm never engaged directly, but have to join in conversations that are already in progress. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but it does get annoying after awhile. With Audrey fixated on reconnecting with her family having spent so much time with me, that was another person ignoring me at what was supposed to be a bonding event.

Eventually, Audrey could tell something was wrong, despite the fact that I wasn't pouting or communicating discomfort. We went to talk in her room where I told her I didn't want to make a big thing out of it. She drew it out of me, but the problem was this triggered a great deal of fear in her. I calmed her down and sucked up the situation, though it was with the help of Audrey's words that a) she didn't think they were being cold and b) her love was resolute. I never doubted the second, but it was comforting nonetheless.

Later that night after we'd returned to my house, Audrey's mother come over and her sister came out of the room she rents from me for us all to play Cards Against Humanity. We played for hours and things were much better. Still felt a coldness from the sister, but as she had more wine, she became jovial.

I really like Audrey's sister, but she's a D-type and I always seem to feel there is a tiny, veiled, power struggle going on. Inventing drama isn't my style, but there are just little things that happen over time. Add to this, her male best friend accused me (unjustly!) of racism, which I feel has soured her towards me a bit further. Communicating is usually the key, right? In this case, saying something would just yield a response that the racism thing hasn't had any influence. There's no good way to ever bring up the abrasive dominance behavior, so I'll just have to live with that.

The entire night at home, Audrey was especially complimentary and cuddly with me. We were much more connected. And it felt great. She's truly an amazing person.
 

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Life is decent. Money is a weird situation because I've got $7,000 waiting in PayPal, but my account has been limited due to issues that aren't my fault. Ugh. It's been fun to have my costuming business back up and running. Kind of funny that I'm making more money as a costumer then I am as a lawyer. My internal debate rages on as to whether I should go full force with the costuming or work on the law/collections business as well. The house needs fixing and landscaping, but I just never want to do it. I hate landscaping.

Audrey and I are doing well. Until recently, you wouldn't know that either of us are poly. We go out on dates, go to the grocery store, go shopping, do basically everything together. She sleeps over at my house every night, though she says she needs to spend time at her house more. I always encourage it, but she never actually does it. Part of the problem is that her stuff is so strewn around my bedroom that it would take a lot of effort for her to gather her things and move back. Truth be told, I have become extremely messy as a result of lots of reasons, one of which being Audrey's influence. #1 she's kind of messy. #2 I'd rather spend time with her instead of cleaning my house #3 the dogs we have together take an inordinate amount of time to care for (not that I'm complaining. I love them. They are family) That said, it's my responsibility to clean my house so I can't really lay it at her doorstep.

Mainly our time is spent down in the parlour, watching tv - or cooking, which we enjoy - or outside with the dogs and the garden that Audrey has started (and is doing QUITE well tending. We cuddle up, alternate between adult conversations and our DD/lg language, though we aren't really in a formal power exchange relationship anymore. I'm more than fine with that. Anyone who sees us out

As I've relayed before, Audrey is almost always on her phone. She spends time on Tumblr and on lots of phone app dating sites like Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, etc. Recently she started talking to a new guy that I'll call Amos. Amos is new to town and has no friends. He's from SanFran so he's fairly worldly, though he's not affluent by any means. The other night she went on a "date" with him while I was at a friend's going away party. Audrey would have gone to the party, but the friend throwing it kept changing the time so she couldn't keep rescheduling her date and be polite. Not her fault.

Their date went several hours, including time at the local coffee shop and walking around the neighborhood for hours at night. She told me he was very, very funny, but she didn't know how long he would be around and if so, in what capacity - love, friend, or otherwise. I'm glad she had the time out and has a new person to get to know. Just sticking around the house can get boring and we've also discussed expanding our circle of friends as well. She told him that she was poly and that she has a steady "companion" (the word we continue to use instead of bf/gf/so). He said almost everyone in SanFran is poly, so he's used to it.

Audrey and Amos have continued to text, again which is fine. It hasn't resulted in any deficiencies in my needs. He tried to be funny, I suppose, when he texted her "Hey! If you've got plans on Monday, cancel them! You're going with me to see Grand Budapest Hotel (a movie)." She remarked that it was a little commanding for someone she'd only met the other day. I didn't use that as a chance to bite down on the guy. I simply agreed, gently, with what she said. The next day, after I'd thought about how he could have been cancelling MY plans with her (not that I had them), I told her I did find it a bit more commanding than I originally thought. She said she just thought he was trying to be funny, but it's something to think about.

They're going out to do something at lunch today, and while I am apparently writing a blog post about it, I'm more than cool with it. In the past, I'd be dwelling on all the possibilities of what such a date could mean - especially the bad parts. But I know that our minds can run away with us and a friend date doesn't have to mean anything. Even if it did, it wouldn't mean that her love for me would be diminished. Yes, it doesn't take a mentalist to realize that even though he didn't kiss her on the first date, he's going to get more comfortable and more ambitious on a next date. That said, his actions will also be in response to what Audrey is putting out there. If she's not acting romantic, he may not try anything. Again, this is all conjecture - the kind that really gets me nowhere. After typing it out, it all seems kind of silly.

Still, it's a little weird since she hasn't had a new potential in a long while. She thinks that he and I would get along well and invited me to be friends with him. After thinking about it a little, I thought why not. If the occasion arises, I'll need to remind her that I'll be balancing not cramping her style with not diminishing my own needs and habits to be affectionate with her. I don't want to be overbearing, be uber territorial, and come off prickly to the guy, but I'm also not going to pervert the nature of our existing relationship either. Part of me doesn't want to be the guy to smooth over awkward pauses in their "get to know you" period, so I'm conflicted. Not painfully so, just in theory.

Really, I'm putting the cart before the horse. There has to be a little nagging something in my brain for me to bring all this up, but it's nowhere near how it used to be. She loves me, yeah yeah yeah...With a love like that...You know I should be glad :D
 

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It happened that I needed to come home to ship a package before lunch, so I came home. Audrey instantly jumped into my arms and spoke to me in the language we share so joyously. For over an hour we were Babygirl and Papa. Playing and cuddling and kissing and teasing and tickling and singing. Quite beautiful and comforting. Especially right before her appointment.

She and her date ended up going thrifting. An activity she and I have shared in for many days. I can't possibly lay claim to any and all activities, especially when there's not a lot to do in this town. I have said that I enjoy the Bark Park as one I would keep as "our thing", though lately we haven't done it much due to some dust ups at the park. Still, it's something I would appreciate her not doing with anyone else besides me. Dog walks, fine. But that particular park is home to a lot of great memories and we're kind of a known quantity together there.

It was quite nice because she asked me to sit on the front porch while we waited for Amos. To me, that meant that she wasn't going to hide me and wanted everything to be out in the open. When his car came to the house, she kissed me and headed down the stairs to his car. We didn't interact. Heck, I don't even know if he saw the kiss, but it really doesn't matter.

By the end of this appointment they could be closer, more romantic. That's not for me to worry about really. It's up to her. It's been about two hours. No texts from her, but again, she needs her privacy. If I can't go a few hours without contact, I'd think that was a bit weak of me.

No doubt she'll return. And love me all over again :)
 

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I guess no good deed goes unpunished. Just when I let my guard down. Just when I think I'm ready. Just when she's given me all the assurances I thought I needed.

1:00 p.m. (ish) -He picks her up.

I go on my way. I do all the chores I need to do. I carry on.

3:31
Audrey: "Checking in!"
Me: "Hey sweetie. Find anything good thrifting?"
Audrey: "A couple of things, but not very much."
Me: "Buy any of them?"

...silence...

5:23 (against my better judgment)
Me: "Checking in."
Audrey:"Good here!"
Me: "Still ?"

As of 6:41...no reply.

I know this is polyamory. Go about my own business and her dating life is her own. Who knows if they're being romantic at all. There's no way to know. I shouldn't get fearful, because there's no pattern and practice of mistreatment. The other part of me is feeling very ignored. We have pets and perhaps dinner to spend together. And I'm hearing nothing.

Part of me is really happy for her to have a new friend. But I'm lonely and I miss her. Fuck. I should be stronger than this. To not see someone for 5 hours shouldn't be this big a deal. Talk about weak. I don't like this side of myself. I went so quickly into having a companion after my divorce...perhaps too quickly. It still hasn't hit me...with my wife gone...with both my parents gone...with all my extended family gone. I'm alone. And I don't like it.

Oh well. I guess I just have to suck it up and grow tougher.

Anyone for a Game of Thrones binge watch? ;)
 

vanquish

New member
Less than an hour from when I typed everything above, Audrey ran into my arms and kissed me with words of "I missed my Papa!" And instead of going home to sleep tonight, she decided to stay here and hang out.

I hope to [insert your god here] that I'm learning from all this.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
We have pets and perhaps dinner to spend together. And I'm hearing nothing.

Perhaps dinner caught my eye. Grown ups don't have curfews ( unless they agree to them beforehand or have other time-specific commitments. She could have stayed out all night if she wanted to. I get sad/ lonely/ whatever when I don't hear from my partner,too, though. Our solution was to start defining set check in and return times. Obviously, return times are flexible to a certain extent but if he says he'll be home for dinner, then I know I can count on that. If it's home by bed, then I know not to hold off on eating until he gets home. Usually check ins are upon arrival ( he usually picks Lady up or meets h her somewhere), whenever next location is reached, before bed, and first thing in the morning or when she leaves if she's leaving early. It helps me not worry about safety, not feel completely cut off, and have a timeline for homecoming.

Just some thoughts.:)
 

vanquish

New member
You're right. Absolutely. She could have been out all night if shed wanted to. We've been together from dawn to dusk for months now without her dating. And it just got weird.

The check in you saw above is part of our ritual when she does date. Often times, she won't make a decision about how long shes staying out until she's made up her mind about how the night is going (I.e. if she has decided to stay the night). Sometimes I've had to stay up until 2 or 3 just to know if I need to come get her. And there have been times when I've gone to get her at 2 or 3.

Yesterday, I guess they just stayed out all afternoon until dinner, when they parted company. She said it was a good time but not great and he didn't try to kiss her. She didn't sound sad about that, just curious. She's devastatingly pretty which may be what's intimidating him...or he may not be interested that way.

The fact is, she could change her mind and stay out all night and Id just have to wait and find out.
 

vanquish

New member
Had a minor dust up. Last night before bed.

Audrey had been out for 7 hours with her new date. Great for her. Seriously, being home bound can suck and new people are great.

Her mother came over to watch movies with us downstairs and after awhile, I suddenly look over and she's texting. I ask whom it is because we have friends in common that I like to text as well and she tells me it's Amos. The guy she was just out with.

I'm instantly not happy and she sees it on my face then asks me what's wrong. I say you've been out with him for 7 hours and I was hoping that now we were going to get quality time together. To which she says, "I'm here aren't I? " My response is that if she's not mentally here then its not really quality time.

She huffed a bit, but then silently took my hand as we were watching TV and things kind of went back to normal. Within 30 minutes she said she wanted to go up to bed, which we both did. Once there, we played our usual, fun, little pre-bed games, laughing and tickling and kissing.

I'm not trying to cut her off from this guy. I'd just hope that right after she's been gone for awhile that I'd get some undivided reconnection time. I guess we need to talk about that more specifically.
 
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