Healthy Beginings

[confused88]

Hello all, I've read a lot about NRE and boundaries within established relationships. My question is what do you think is a healthy amount of contact or spending time with someone new? I am sure it varies by person, but is there some kind of general rule of thumb?

My bf met someone new online a few weeks ago and has spoken with her everyday since that (via text). He has met with her once and expressed interesting in meeting with her again within the week. I know that I can't tell him how to handle the other relationships in his life, but at the same time this is new for us and I am feeling like their contact is already excessive and that it will likely only go up from here. I understand I need to own my own feelings, and that he is not responsible for them.

I have also expressed my opinions to him that I feel as if things are moving quickly. He listens to me and understands how I could feel that way, but to him he enjoys speaking with her, and says that he will likely see her often if they continue dating.

Is this just something I need to feel and experience and get through? I know some of it has to do with letting go of a need for control as well as me not being used to sharing his time with another female yet. I know love is not about control or rules, it is about trust and respect and honesty. But I think a lot of that is so ingrained in us. I want to do the "right thing" here but also don't want to feel like a doormat.

Is it fair for me to ask him to not text her when we're on vacay or out with our friends etc? To me that is our quality time together, but I don't know if that request is fair to him? Where do our boundaries end and theirs begin ? I know I should be happy for him to be in NRE and meeting someone new (and I am in my own way) but I also don't want to feel like our time together is taken for granted and that he is always on his phone with her.

Any help or advice would be appreciated. Thanks all !

 

[vinsanity0]

It is completely fair to ask him not to text with someone during your time together. You shouldn't even have to ask as that is just common courtesy. If I text someone and they don't answer I know they are busy.

Is this a LDR? Texting every day is not that big of a deal, especially in the beginning.

As for how much they actually see each other, that is something you need to work out. His "this is the way it is" attitude is not going to help. He should be on here asking how to be a better hinge.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi confused88,

Instead of keeping track of how much time your boyfriend spends with the new woman, I suggest you check and see if your needs are being met. For instance, are you getting the time and attention from him that you need? When he's spending time with you, is he really present with you? I think that him texting the new woman when he's with you is taking away from the time and attention you need. So, tell him that, and ask him not to text her when it's just you and him together. And if you need more time with him in general, ask for that too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Bluebird]

Everyone has different time needs when it comes to building and maintaining a relationship. Perhaps you need much less than your boyfriend does. Because of that, you shouldn't try to limit how much time he spends with this new love interest - instead, just focus on what you yourself need from him.

I personally demand at least 2 days a week in-person contact, and texts every day from someone I am seeing seriously. To some, that is considered excessive. But, it's what I need to not become a basket case. *shrugs* If it doesn't work for my partner, then we are not compatible. If it's just a booty call, then I am fine with just text messages here and there. I'm not trying to build intimacy, in that case.

Figure out what you need, and make sure your boyfriend is providing that. Don't worry about what he is giving to the other girl - it shouldn't matter.

If you don't want him texting this other chicka when you are having alone time, then that is a reasonable boundary. However, to say that he should never contact her when you are off on vacation is a harsher boundary than I would set. Surely there will be some down time between the two of you, even when you are out and about, when he could send her some messages or call her to reconnect. Maybe a message before bedtime to ask about her day, etc. Certainly not all day, but that would be something he would need to work out.

 

[confused88]

Thanks all, yes I agree that I need to focus on myself and my own needs. This is just new, and so I am trying to navigate it wisely and stay happy all at the same time

I guess my thing was, if you start out talking to someone every single day and meeting with them once a week right off the bat, then it seems like it will only go up from there. So in my head I think that I hoped he would take it slower in the beginning so that I had more time to adjust to "losing time and attention" within our relationship. Don't get me wrong we have been talking about and preparing for this transition into opening up for a long time, and he is being respectful of boundaries etc, but it is still a tough thing sometimes.

I know he enjoys talking to this woman, and I am happy for him. But sometimes I still get triggered when we are sitting together on the couch while he texts her etc. Another thing I have noticed triggering me is her name coming up everyday. We are very open and talk about everything, but I think I was getting a little over-saturated with his mentioning her so much. She seems nice enough and her and I have texted a bit, but I am still trying to find my own emotional equilibrium.

I don't want to set unhealthy rules or boundaries, especially because we live together and I get a lot of his time now. So yes I see what you mean about being on vacation and having down time. I don't think I would consider them being anything serious, yet, only have been talking for a few weeks. So I do expect minimal outside distraction for our vacation which is a once a year event. But I don't expect him to ignore her or cut her off, just be respectful that this is our quality time and this new person isn't someone he has a serious relationship with yet.

I think it's probably NRE and so I am trying to cut him some slack but also tell him when I'm having a hard time. Luckily we have been communicating very well about things and I know we'll continue to do so. I appreciate everyones input and I am trying to really own my own stuff but to also make sure we tend to our own relationship as well.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like you're handling things relatively well. Please keep us posted here, as it will help us to give additional advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.