Hi all, I made a post here a few months ago about my lack of trust with my partner and got some good replies.. predictably, things have gotten much worse. I posted on another forum but found this place to be very supportive, so here's my long story..
My partner and I were exclusive for about a year and a half, then tried opening the relationship.. it was under the premise that we would remain primary partners, discuss and adjust boundaries accordingly before anything happened. He claimed he knew himself well enough to know he didn't want long term monogamy with anyone. Shortly after that he re-connected with his ex (who he had cheated on for their entire relationship), and began almost daily phone calls with her, usually lasting for hours. It made me uncomfortable and he tried to assure me it was only platonic at first. Then he went to see her (she's in another state), and informed me it was no longer platonic.. I had seen that coming and said I was also going to start seeing other people, at which point he said we should "take a break".
I've pieced things together in retrospect, but basically after that he planned another trip with her, and she said she didn't want to see him if he was still being intimate with me. We continued to have sex, although much less frequently, but he didn't tell her. He also lied/omitted things about their level of sexual contact on their first trip. When all I had asked was that he'd be honest if it happened.
So he continued to string me along with back and forth, "not sure" where things are going with me or her.. pointing out all my flaws and reasons I drove him to behave the way he has if I ask for any clarity. Then after his second trip, he tells me he's now exclusive with her and is re-thinking monogamy.
So I did something petty.. I messaged her and told her we'd hooked up since she'd asked him not to. He was furious and essentially made me message her back saying it only happened once and I initiated, which is not true. Now they're on good terms again, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and move out of our very nice home we just moved into 4 months ago.
I know I'm not blameless, I know I had some overly emotional reactions in the beginning.. but I really did try. To understand where he was coming from, to understand and do my research on polyamory (which in itself I'm not opposed to, just opposed to a consistent lack of transparency). I got into therapy to address my own issues with anxiety that were contributing to the dynamic. And all so he could end up saying he might be monogamous after all.
Do I think it'll last with her? His history and patterns suggests otherwise.. but who knows. She's clearly willing to put up with it, while still remaining loyal to him. Regardless, he clearly "just wasn't that into me" as much as he is with her. Sorry for the rant, it's just kind of tearing me apart currently and I don't have many people to talk to about the open relationship aspect of it.
On another note, I started seeing a guy friend who is also in an open relationship, initially just to get his perspective.. but so far that's been drastically different experience with little to no jealousy, and his other partner is totally fine with it. I'm meeting her this week. So although I didn't intentionally seek it out, I now seem to be actually doing the poly thing. Life is funny sometimes.
If you made it this far thanks for reading. Any thoughts or perspectives are appreciated
My partner and I were exclusive for about a year and a half, then tried opening the relationship.. it was under the premise that we would remain primary partners, discuss and adjust boundaries accordingly before anything happened. He claimed he knew himself well enough to know he didn't want long term monogamy with anyone. Shortly after that he re-connected with his ex (who he had cheated on for their entire relationship), and began almost daily phone calls with her, usually lasting for hours. It made me uncomfortable and he tried to assure me it was only platonic at first. Then he went to see her (she's in another state), and informed me it was no longer platonic.. I had seen that coming and said I was also going to start seeing other people, at which point he said we should "take a break".
I've pieced things together in retrospect, but basically after that he planned another trip with her, and she said she didn't want to see him if he was still being intimate with me. We continued to have sex, although much less frequently, but he didn't tell her. He also lied/omitted things about their level of sexual contact on their first trip. When all I had asked was that he'd be honest if it happened.
So he continued to string me along with back and forth, "not sure" where things are going with me or her.. pointing out all my flaws and reasons I drove him to behave the way he has if I ask for any clarity. Then after his second trip, he tells me he's now exclusive with her and is re-thinking monogamy.
So I did something petty.. I messaged her and told her we'd hooked up since she'd asked him not to. He was furious and essentially made me message her back saying it only happened once and I initiated, which is not true. Now they're on good terms again, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and move out of our very nice home we just moved into 4 months ago.
I know I'm not blameless, I know I had some overly emotional reactions in the beginning.. but I really did try. To understand where he was coming from, to understand and do my research on polyamory (which in itself I'm not opposed to, just opposed to a consistent lack of transparency). I got into therapy to address my own issues with anxiety that were contributing to the dynamic. And all so he could end up saying he might be monogamous after all.
Do I think it'll last with her? His history and patterns suggests otherwise.. but who knows. She's clearly willing to put up with it, while still remaining loyal to him. Regardless, he clearly "just wasn't that into me" as much as he is with her. Sorry for the rant, it's just kind of tearing me apart currently and I don't have many people to talk to about the open relationship aspect of it.
On another note, I started seeing a guy friend who is also in an open relationship, initially just to get his perspective.. but so far that's been drastically different experience with little to no jealousy, and his other partner is totally fine with it. I'm meeting her this week. So although I didn't intentionally seek it out, I now seem to be actually doing the poly thing. Life is funny sometimes.
If you made it this far thanks for reading. Any thoughts or perspectives are appreciated