Hello everyone, I am new to all this so here it goes. First off I am married and hapily. My wife and I had recently decided to invite others into our life for fun, upon doing so I began to develope feelings for another. Theese feelings I shared with my wife, I am very honest with her. I stuggled with the thought of being able to love another but I want to. I cant bring myself to having just a fling. My wife on the other hand thinks it is all ok if its just for sex with no comitment. I have struggled with what to do, Again I let her know everything no matter how much it hurts. This feeling I have found wont go away and everything just seems to be getting harder. I tried to distance myself from my new friend and I couldnt. I love my wife, I love my new friend, I dont want anyone involved to get hurt. My new love wont continue with this because she knows my wife isnt ok about it. Again we have both been honest about everything. What is one to do when they cant just shut feelings off. I struggle every day with this.
Hello all
- Thread starter Posthuman
- Start date
Greetings Posthuman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Feelings for another are hard to dismiss, the only suggestion I can think of is to have a period of no-contact with the new friend. Like say three months. This may be enough to let you go back to just being friends. On the other hand, maybe an open marriage is not for you if it leads you to having feelings for others and your wife is not okay with that.
Just a few thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Feelings for another are hard to dismiss, the only suggestion I can think of is to have a period of no-contact with the new friend. Like say three months. This may be enough to let you go back to just being friends. On the other hand, maybe an open marriage is not for you if it leads you to having feelings for others and your wife is not okay with that.
Just a few thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Shaya
New member
Hi Posthuman,
It looks like you , your wife and your new friend are trying to do everything right. Going from monogamy to polyamory is difficult for most people. It's reassuring that your wife is happy for an open marriage and you've said she would feel more comfortable if it was just sex and not feelings.
I agree with Kevin regarding taking this more slowly. Monogamy to polyamory is difficult. Take the next few months to work with your wife over what exactly it is that you want your marriage to look like. One possibility is to try swinging or some other open marriage with less emotional attachment. Perhaps in a few years you and your wife can then move to polyamory. The suggestion here is not to do monogamy to polyamory, but rather monogamy to something in between then to polyamory over a few years.
Your feelings for your new friend are normal, but you may have to deal with them the same way monogamous people deal with such feelings, at least for the moment. You and your wife may be striving for polyamory, but you're not ready for polyamory yet. You're caught in a transition period, partway between monogamy and polyamory. No contact, although hard for the first 2-3 weeks, will probably be kindest on everyone in the long run. You can revisit your relationship with your new friend in the future. There's no rush. Monogamy makes us feel we have to rush into and grab the relationship before someone else does. In polyamory, you're technically available for life. The healthy transitions from monogamy to polyamory happen slowly. Most transitions from monogamy to polyamory actually end up destroying the original relationship or the new one (link to more than 10 examples I gave in someone else's thread).
It looks like you , your wife and your new friend are trying to do everything right. Going from monogamy to polyamory is difficult for most people. It's reassuring that your wife is happy for an open marriage and you've said she would feel more comfortable if it was just sex and not feelings.
I agree with Kevin regarding taking this more slowly. Monogamy to polyamory is difficult. Take the next few months to work with your wife over what exactly it is that you want your marriage to look like. One possibility is to try swinging or some other open marriage with less emotional attachment. Perhaps in a few years you and your wife can then move to polyamory. The suggestion here is not to do monogamy to polyamory, but rather monogamy to something in between then to polyamory over a few years.
Your feelings for your new friend are normal, but you may have to deal with them the same way monogamous people deal with such feelings, at least for the moment. You and your wife may be striving for polyamory, but you're not ready for polyamory yet. You're caught in a transition period, partway between monogamy and polyamory. No contact, although hard for the first 2-3 weeks, will probably be kindest on everyone in the long run. You can revisit your relationship with your new friend in the future. There's no rush. Monogamy makes us feel we have to rush into and grab the relationship before someone else does. In polyamory, you're technically available for life. The healthy transitions from monogamy to polyamory happen slowly. Most transitions from monogamy to polyamory actually end up destroying the original relationship or the new one (link to more than 10 examples I gave in someone else's thread).
Spork
Active member
I often talk about how I struggle to understand how casual sex is so much less threatening than feelings, but what your wife feels, is what she feels.
Understand...you cannot control your feelings, necessarily, only the words and the actions that you choose to take, regardless of how you feel.
This is a very important concept, because it applies to your feelings for your friend, AND it applies to how your wife feels about you having feelings for your friend. You feel what you feel...she feels what she feels. And your friend feels whatever she feels, whether she is getting emotional for you, or whether her feelings were not so deep and it's more important to her, to avoid harming your marriage. Her feelings are also valid and should be taken into consideration.
One point that I feel is important... You mentioned "commitment." Feelings do not have to mean commitment. This is another idea that is part of the "monogamy hangover"...or the bundle of concepts that we are taught about relationships. That there is this clear process of how things go, that emotional bonding means that you have to DO SOMETHING. It is possible to feel things for someone, but have it not alter the parameters of how you do business in the relationship. It can simply mean, "I truly enjoy this person and want to share time and life with them" without meaning that they need to become part of your household or family or anything permanent.
Take it apart. Look at every piece as separate. Maybe that helps.
Ultimately when people are not on the same page about what is allowable in the relationship, whether it is open or closed, it comes down to negotiation. What do you want, what do you need? What is your hard line, and what is most important to you? Where are the areas of flexibility?
I usually advise people not to legislate emotions. Making rules that your partner is not allowed to develop feelings for another, is often doomed to fail ultimately. I believe that any time that sex is involved, there is always the possibility that feelings may spring up whether we intend them or not. To allow a partner to explore sexually but tell them that if they develop emotional bonds, they must cease contact with the subject of their affections, is in my personal opinion, cruel. And you'd be better off not opening at all, if that's how it is, or at least that's how I would see it.
If a partner told me I could have casual extra-relationship sex, but not allowed feelings, I would NOT have the casual sex. I would not expose myself to that hurt, nor expose hypothetical third parties to it either.
But again...that doesn't mean that one must make "commitments" exactly. Sometimes those feelings will run their course. I would want to be able to experience them, and go forward with them, and let them happen and evolve. Love does not mean leaving someone for someone, or needing to live with someone, or anything like that, after all.
Best of luck with your negotiations.
Understand...you cannot control your feelings, necessarily, only the words and the actions that you choose to take, regardless of how you feel.
This is a very important concept, because it applies to your feelings for your friend, AND it applies to how your wife feels about you having feelings for your friend. You feel what you feel...she feels what she feels. And your friend feels whatever she feels, whether she is getting emotional for you, or whether her feelings were not so deep and it's more important to her, to avoid harming your marriage. Her feelings are also valid and should be taken into consideration.
One point that I feel is important... You mentioned "commitment." Feelings do not have to mean commitment. This is another idea that is part of the "monogamy hangover"...or the bundle of concepts that we are taught about relationships. That there is this clear process of how things go, that emotional bonding means that you have to DO SOMETHING. It is possible to feel things for someone, but have it not alter the parameters of how you do business in the relationship. It can simply mean, "I truly enjoy this person and want to share time and life with them" without meaning that they need to become part of your household or family or anything permanent.
Take it apart. Look at every piece as separate. Maybe that helps.
Ultimately when people are not on the same page about what is allowable in the relationship, whether it is open or closed, it comes down to negotiation. What do you want, what do you need? What is your hard line, and what is most important to you? Where are the areas of flexibility?
I usually advise people not to legislate emotions. Making rules that your partner is not allowed to develop feelings for another, is often doomed to fail ultimately. I believe that any time that sex is involved, there is always the possibility that feelings may spring up whether we intend them or not. To allow a partner to explore sexually but tell them that if they develop emotional bonds, they must cease contact with the subject of their affections, is in my personal opinion, cruel. And you'd be better off not opening at all, if that's how it is, or at least that's how I would see it.
If a partner told me I could have casual extra-relationship sex, but not allowed feelings, I would NOT have the casual sex. I would not expose myself to that hurt, nor expose hypothetical third parties to it either.
But again...that doesn't mean that one must make "commitments" exactly. Sometimes those feelings will run their course. I would want to be able to experience them, and go forward with them, and let them happen and evolve. Love does not mean leaving someone for someone, or needing to live with someone, or anything like that, after all.
Best of luck with your negotiations.