Hello, and any advice?

N

Northcpl

New member
First of all, let me say hello to all of you. I am the male half of a would-be poly married couple from the boonies of Minnesota.

We are new to this, virgins I guess you could say. We want to expand our marriage by bringing another man into our relationship, but we are still a bit hesitant for a couple of reasons.

First, we have a 15 year old son, whose life we do not want to mess with. He does well in school, and has a good base of friends etc. To have it come out that we were living this life, could be problematic for him, and it isn't like he grew up with it, so it seems unfair for us to draw him in. We have decided to stay very low key with it until he is out of school in 2 and half years.

Second, and frankly a problem we could use some help with, is we live in the boonies as I said. Hours from the nearest metropolitan area, and we are having a hard time thinking of how we can even meet anyone who might fit the bill. The internet is the obvious source, but while a lot of folks suggest Okcupid, it is a bit public for us at this point. We do not want to risk our son's peers finding out (until he is done with school). Are there other sites that are more private, and highly trafficked that might be more focused on this lifestyle without being useless? We are willing to use a pay site if need be.

To further complicate this, we are really looking for a triad (if my terms are right). She does not want to be the F in a FMF V, she wants us all to be with each other. I guess I am rather heteroflexible. I am really not interested in being with a man without her, but with her, it is very appealing to me. We might be looking for a male unicorn. ;-) How common are these relationships in the community?

Anyway, hello to you all and any advice or pointers on even how to make this desire a reality would be more than welcome.
 
Hello Northcpl,
Welcome to our forum.

Well, I think it speaks highly of you (as parents and as people) that your son's welfare is high enough on your list that you're willing to sacrifice romantic prospects in order to protect his rapport with his classmates. And now for the "but" you anticipate by now: I also have to acknowledge that your unflagging parental dedication puts you in a certain conundrum by definition.

You feel the need to put yourself out there so as to date (and seek the "hot bi guy" you dream of), and you feel the need to protect your (and your son's) privacy. The contradiction is that putting yourself out there is, well, the opposite of keeping it on the down-low, and dating sites by their very nature will avail themselves to Google and such, rather than hide themselves from the rest of the internet world. If a dating site wasn't very public, it stands to reason that the site wouldn't succeed much in helping unacquainted-until-now people find (and thence date) one another.

Having said that, I'll suggest two links:

I can't guarantee either link will yield up a privacy-specialized dating site, but at least they're both specialized in poly dating -- and there's two respective reasons why they'd protect your privacy better than OKCupid would:

  • Poly MatchMaker has much fewer members than OKCupid, though its membership size isn't necessarily puny either. Fewer members = less traffic = less top-of-the-list search results on Google and that.
  • The other link merely takes you to a Polyamory.com subforum. Since you're already participating in Polyamory.com, you've got nothing to lose by using our Dating & Friendships subforum. The only drawback is we might not offer enough traffic to suit your needs (given your "boonies" locality).
Oh I see you've posted on the Dating & Friendships subforum. :eek: Well in that case at least you know you're on the right track ...

Besides the two above links, here's two "foods for thought:"

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=5412.msg57394#msg57394
Click to expand...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Sorry that the above info probably doesn't greatly help, but it's really the best I know of for your type of dilemma. I'm not a "dating site expert" per se, e.g. I don't even know of any paid dating sites (outside the fact that OKCupid and probably others offer paid memberships that get you more perks).

Re:
"We might be looking for a male unicorn. ;) How common are these relationships in the community?"
Click to expand...

Scientific figures aren't available (ahem), but I'll roughly estimate that MFM delta/triangle triads are probably a fair sight less common than FMF triads (and less common still than MFM or at least FMF V's), but they're not unheard-of. I just think that the exacting type of configuration you're looking for, and your need for a high level of privacy, will oblige you to endure a lengthy, tedious search. You're going to need the patience of Job.

Don't mean to discourage you by saying that. Sometimes the things that take us the longest to find are the most worth the wait, pound for pound. And it's worth keeping in mind that most people find their desired new partner just at that odd moment when they're not looking. So put yourself out there to whatever extent you can, maintain your search without obsessing about it, just be yourselves, the best selves you can be, and the right person will *find you* in due time. That's my official prediction anyway. :)

In the meantime, do immerse yourself in Polyamory.com's wealth of boards and threads, see what calls to you, and post your thoughts and questions. Then, when you do find someone who's right for you, you'll already be well-informed about how to go about actually making a poly trio work. I recommend starting with the Golden Nuggets board.

Hope some of this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much for such a well thought out response, you are a credit to this and .org's community, and really gave me some food for thought. We will put ourselves out there as much as we can and hope for the best. We are seeking a rare person, from a small number of people.

While this would be our ideal, I could live with her having the straight guy and warm to the idea of sharing her and at least seeing she meets her desires. She is actually less warm to that idea, uncomfortable with the notion that she would feel like she was cheating on me if she spent time on her own with another man without me. The right straight guy could fit the bill too, though.

There are is many things to think about it kind of makes the mind reel a bit.
 
Teenagers

Your son is 15 and he's never seen you hang out with friends? Just tell him you've got a friend and he seriously won't give a.....about what you do with them behind closed doors.

;)
 
It's not that so much. We could actually easily keep that aspect low key. The problem is me saying anything onLine about me being bi on occasion and his peers finding that. After high school it doesn't matter but we don't want to rock his boat.

This just makes it hard looking online due to not putting up a picture. At the suggestion of Kevin I am gonna try polymatch maker though since it seems more private and focused on this community.

If the right person comes along we will pursue it, the home front is no issue really, just our photo less online presence.
 
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