Hello and help?

W

wardlect

New member
Hello everyone!
So here's the deal. My wife and I have been together for about 3 years. We have 3 kids and we love our life together. I have always known that my wife had been with other woman, but it was never while she was in a relationship with anyone else. Recently we have been discussing her finding and maintaining a relationship with another woman and eventually integrate them into our family.
Let me be clear, this would be a girlfriend for her and her alone; no physical or emotional requests or requirements from me. I have no intent on sharing a girlfriend or wanting one outside of what my wife and i have. However, i am very supportive and understand her.. needs?.. completely.
At any rate, she is having a hard time finding like minded people... we are new to the area that we just moved to and she has been trying dating apps like Tinder and Her but its not helping her find anyone poly.. instead just lesbians who dont want anything to do with us.
thoughts? advice?
 
Greetings wardlect,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Has your wife tried OKCupid? It's a very popular dating site and is poly-friendly. And do you have any local poly groups nearby? They're not for dating, but you can make poly friends and who knows if a friendship might blossom sometime. Google "polyamory" with your state or nearest major city, and see what comes up.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Yep, lots of patience. There was a lot of married women on Craigslist who have posted that they are married and looking for a female partner, your wife should try there
 
Hi Wardlect, nice to meet you.
Can only second the suggestion of patience, and checking out polyamory-friendly groups in your area.
 
Thanks!.. now im feeling a bit insecure

Thanks everyone!
So, my wife actually found a lady fried nearby. They haven't met yet (are scheduled to meet tonight actually) but have been texting pretty much non stop for the last week or so. I've seen a few pictures of this gal, and i dont find her attractive at all (which is good cause i am not interested in having anyone other than my wife). At any rate, now i am feeling a little insecure.. doing the (i assume) typical "why?, is it something i'm not offering? do i really feel ok with this?..." I want to be nothing but supportive of my wife, and i would like to say i understand that she has desires and needs that i (as a man) cannot fulfill... but i don't. Kind of lost in my own emotions at the moment... :confused:
any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
 
I think the monogamous model most of us are taught (from childhood on up) includes the idea that me must be the end-all be-all everything for our spouses. Whereas the poly model includes the idea that as each person is unique, each person can contribute something different (and unique) in another person's life. This is a good thing. But it will take you awhile to get your mind wrapped around it. For awhile you will be asking yourself, "Why aren't I enough?"

If you need extra time and attention from your wife, it is okay to ask for it.
 
Thanks again! I know that this kind of thing is going to take some time... and probably a lot of discussion. I am also sure that it is going to be an evolving thing. I mean, no relationship should be bound by rules and boundaries, in my personal opinion. And as her and I continue to change and this becomes more of our "norm" i will continue to get over my insecurities.
Can anyone tell me what it is that she might be looking for? speculation is totally ok. I want to believe i know my wife from through and through but i am just having a hard time wrapping my head around what a woman (outside of our marriage) could possibly offer my wife that i cant.
Thanks again!
 
I think it is human nature to seek out variety, so maybe that's your wife wants. If you had steak every day for dinner, that might be nice for awhile, but eventually you'd start craving pizza. Doesn't mean you don't like steak, it just means you'd like a little variety.

Every relationship is unique, so, more relationships equals more variety.
 
Lots and lots of conversation is what will help. I honestly can't say what finally helped my husband to be okay with it. He struggled for a bit. (Maybe I should suggest again that he join the forum).

If my husband would ask me why I desire a woman I would answer...

For the same reasons you probably do. I'm attracted to women. I need to be able to express that attraction.

I struggled a lot asking myself why I couldn't just be happy with my husband. What was wrong with me that I still wanted someone else. It's nice not to carry those thoughts around with me anymore. I'm sure your wife is thinking the same.
 
wardlect said:
Thanks again! I know that this kind of thing is going to take some time... and probably a lot of discussion. I am also sure that it is going to be an evolving thing. I mean, no relationship should be bound by rules and boundaries, in my personal opinion. And as her and I continue to change and this becomes more of our "norm" i will continue to get over my insecurities.
Can anyone tell me what it is that she might be looking for? speculation is totally ok. I want to believe i know my wife from through and through but i am just having a hard time wrapping my head around what a woman (outside of our marriage) could possibly offer my wife that i cant.
Thanks again!
Click to expand...

Do I really need to state the obvious? :D

Variety is the spice of life. I like Kevin's food analogy. Another one would be music. Do you want to listen to only one band? You really need to work on not obsessing over what you think you don't provide. Enjoy what you two have together.
 
And one could fall back on the analogy of friends. Why have more than one friend? Or more than one best friend? Answer: Because they are different people that you connect with and enjoy in different ways. Even if they have similarities, they are not the same. Some people are ,in fact, not comfortable with more than one close friend or more than one love but a majority of people are, especially if you look over a lifetime of friends and loves. It is a fabulous ego stroke to believe you are everything some particular person could ever have desired, or will desire in life, and our society likes to point to that as an ideal, but when you look at it, it does not seem very natural.

Leetah
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top