Hello and looking for advice on first steps

[Mariposa923]

Hello, my husband and I are new to this forum and this is my introduction for us. He will do his own introduction at some point, too. We have been reading different threads on here and are very impressed with the wisdom and love we have seen in different commentators here.

We are about to celebrate our 14th anniversary and we both feel we have a strong relationship. We are very good at communicating, we respect each other and we are very compassionate toward each other. We have also made our share of mistakes and have grown from them. Recently, we have been discussing making our marriage an open marriage with polyamory as our intent. We are here hoping for advice on how to begin this new part of our relationship. We have discussed our intentions for why we want to do this (mostly spiritually motivated for personal growth), we have discussed rules we are both comfortable with for protecting our marriage (not in our home/town, no new loves from old friends, not around our children) and we have discussed our love for each other as a huge reason for opening our marriage up. Not to sound too egotistical, but we think we are both pretty good at relationships, so why not spread the love?

To be even more specific in my request for advice on how to start this out; I have already met a man I am attracted to who lives in another country. My husband is ok with this and excited for me. Practically speaking, I can not just go on a simple date with this man, but the idea of flying to another country for a booty call -our first one outside our marriage- seems extreme. Or is it?

So, how do you start polyamory slowly? Or do you just jump in?

Thanks.

 

[LoveBunny]

Sounds like you guys are practicing a "primary-secondary" model, meaning the marriage comes first, any other relationship involves less time, no living together, coparenting, or sharing of finances.

I'm curious how the "not in my backyard" clause will work. You are only allowed to have long-distance relationships? Sounds like they are meant to be fairly casual, as any person dating you will never be in your home or meet your kids and I'd imagine someone out-of-town wouldn't get to see on a regular basis.

I am also married and not allowed to have lovers in my home. So far I've only been with single people who have their own apartments, not sure how it would work if I met a another married person who had the same rule, I guess we'd have to spring for hotel rooms. So far, the only lover I've wanted to spend the night with had cats and I'm allergic, so I couldn't unless we found somewhere else to stay. Recently, I turned down a guy who lives two hours away but comes to my town daily for work, because I can't do him in my house, and I don't want to depend on him to shuttle me back and forth to his place (I don't own a car) and it just seemed too difficult.

Welcome to the forum, and I look forward to hearing more.

 

[Mariposa923]

Hi,

thanks for the replies.

I guess yes, we are practicing the primary-secondary model. Our marriage definitely comes first and my first priority to "boyfriend" is that he understands there isn't room for jealousy and I won't leave my husband. I read the rekink forum and liked how one person answered that primary relationship is the one with the entanglements (kids, home, life, etc). And secondary doesn't have entanglements. I think those free and fun relationships are going to bring the personal growth hubby and I are seeking? We do very well with the business of marriage together, and we also have fun together, but are thinking meeting new people to influence us will be a fun addition to bring back to our marriage. Is this realistic?

As for the logistics, I should explain: we chose not in our hometown because we live in a small town in the mountains. It would just be too close for practical sake. Another factor I should mention: money is not an issue for us. We travel lots and can afford hotels, etc.

I hadn't thought about this making the secondary relationships only casual. I met the new guy while we were on a trip and have been chatting online with him since. We had a strong connection on the trip and have developed that more recently. I wouldn't call it casual, but I can't know for sure until I see him again. The chemistry was definitely there and continues to grow. I guess that means I'm looking at a long distance relationship, which to me is ok. Hubby travels a lot and we have always found that the absences make the heart grow fonder and it is even better for our relationship. I like the time apart to be alone, be with friends, be a single mom, be missing him and looking forward to his return.

We also have talked about the fact that all our rules will be in flux because relationships grow and change, so we figure we will have to let the rules evolve, too.

Thanks again for the advice and input.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Mariposa923,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Considering this new man you're attracted to lives in another country, it would be hard to start polyamory slowly with him. It sounds like going on a trip to see him will probably include being intimate with him, so once you go on your first trip to see him, that's going to be a big step. I'm assuming you'd be staying with him for multiple days?

Before going to see him, you could have more conversations with him, perhaps email at first, then chat, then skype, or something like that. This way you'll know him pretty well before actually going to see him.

New relationships have something called NRE, New Relationship Energy. If you take the energy from that NRE and then re-apply it back into your marriage, you will have RRE, Renewed Relationship Energy. This is one of the ways a fun new relationship can strengthen your marriage.

If you have a good idea of what you want, you'll have a good idea of how to proceed. We're here to listen and help in any way we can, just post and ask if you have further questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Mariposa923]

Hi again.

Thanks for your reply, Kevin. It's been good to think and consider everything. Now hubby and I are reconsidering all our rules after reading lots, talking lots and thinking lots. We realize we don't want casual relationships, but real love. We are definitely feeling the NRE and RRE. We are excited about our spiritual growth already and we haven't even started anything for real yet.

It feels good to me to be free to love. I've often been told I have such a huge heart, so much love to share, which I definitely agree with and feel. I grew up the daughter of two episcopal priests, one of whom is gay and so I have pretty liberal views of the world. When I was in my 20s I read Godbody by Theodore Sturgeon and felt very sure that was the truth in me. When hubby and I started dating, I shared it with him and he thought it was amazing. He grew up in a much more conservative family but is different from them (if we even mention our sex life in front of his sisters they shut the conversation down fast or turn away when we show PDA). After kids and 14 years together, we feel we've nurtured Us really well and suddenly we are realizing a shift in things would be good.

Specifically, I saw him as sort of bored and needing a purpose. He sold his software company in 2010 and has been sort of frustrated since. In the spring he gave me a huge gift that I know he didn't want: we tried to have a little girl (we have two boys) by IVF. He was doing it for me, which was such a gift considering he didn't want more kids and had gotten a vasectomy already. It didn't work (I'm "old" and didn't produce many eggs, but also the ones we did get were more boys!) so we decided that was a nice attempt, but we are done. Happily.

Because of his gift to me, and another amazing shift in my consciousness that included me finally really letting go of a 19 year old loss of my first husband (he died very shortly after we were married. I'm still close with his family and now hubby is, too), I realized I wanted to give something back to him. He needed space and freedom, I realized, to find his purpose again. He needed to be free from the grind of being a husband and dad in his 40s. He loves us and didn't want to leave us or anything, but I could tell he just wasn't totally in it. He seemed to be living his life with his nose in a book and was not the guy I met way back when. I thought he just needed a trip away from us to find himself again. Meanwhile we started talking about flirting with others for fun because that was always fun in our single years, but we quickly realized that that wasn't very fulfilling. Next thing I knew, I was looking at this website and mentioned it to him and now we just feel at home and like this is what the world really needs. My dad is a serial monogamist and I always thought that was ok. My mom has been alone (but happy) since they divorced because she was so in love with him. They are still good friends. I'm thinking this would have been the right kind of relationship for them, but whatever-not my life.

So, now husband and I are talking about this daily. We want to bust all our rules eventually and are figuring out what we want to manifest in the way of more love in our lives. Until then I really have the hots for this guy I met on our trip, so I bought tickets to go see him in November. I'm excited to see his country with him and enjoy all the outdoors stuff he and I love to do that hubby does not enjoy as much. But he's 3800 miles away, so not sure how this will develop into anything meaningful, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm fine with the booty call trip.

So, that's a very long update and background on our new marriage. Hubby has had huge spiritual growth in amazing ways that I have been praying for him to feel for years. We go to the Episcopal church in town and like the people, but he's never really felt God before until now. It's been pretty amazing to watch. I would love to hear of others' spiritual growth from this journey, if you're still reading and want to share.

Thanks!

 

[kdt26417]

Alas I'm not very spiritual; I'm an atheist. But I'm glad to hear you guys are growing in your lives and finding the right things that work for you. 3800 miles! Man that is long-distance. Probably not a trip you can make often, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it whenever you can.