Hello from a Dream

B

Bunny716

New member
I am here because of a dream I had.

Last night, I dreamed of a couple I have met only once.

They were both very warm, open, kind, tattooed, pierced, hipsterish (weakness), and welcoming (I'm a new girl in town)...This couple made it a point to include me. Talk to me. Ask me about my interests. It seemed to me that the two of them didn't have to always be up each other's asses to feel secure in their relationship as he would be off in a darker corner talking to me over our drinks, standing a little closer than I would think someone with a partner would stand. He also asked me for my number right in front of her....She made it a point to touch my arm when telling a joke, her eyes would light up at the things we had in common, and she hugged me several times before we parted ways.

In my dream, I was with him. Only him. He flirted around a bit with me before kissing me PASSIONATELY. I loved it while simultaneously feeling guilty as hell because I thought of her. Turns out, she wasn't fussed by it at all. She even went so far as to suggest that "we could all be something to each other..."

I woke up extremely confused. I've had 'girl crushes' in the past, and haven't completely dismissed the idea that I might be in a relationship with a female. Now I cannot get this couple out of my mind, nor can I get polyamory out of my mind. I've researched it in the past, but it has never felt more real to me.

My only problem is this:

I have been in a monogamous relationship with an all around sports/fanatic/jock type guy for 7 1/2 years. I don't think I would want to introduce another girl to our relationship, as I found myself more attracted to the hipster type guy in my dream (and in life)...I also do not think my BF would go for polyamory anyway. I'm so torn. I'm so confused. I want to live life to the fullest since I am getting older, but I love him too (I am just sometimes bored with him)...
 
Greetings Bunny716,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You said your boyfriend wouldn't go for poly. Would he be okay with it if you went for poly, while he remained monogamous?

Re: the couple you dreamed of ... do you have their contact info, can you get in touch with them? Do you want to get in touch with them?

I hope I can be of help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hello,

Thank you for the reply.

To be honest, I don't know how my boyfriend would react. He'd probably love the idea of being with another woman (not because he doesn't love me, but because we've been together so long...I feel like love can grow stale)...I just don't want to be the couple that hosts another young lady. I want to be the young lady that joins...

As for my "dream" couple. I do have their contact info. I could reach out to them. I just have absolutely no idea how to bring up my dream.We haven't talked or seen each other since that meeting. I was really much more attracted (mentally and physically) to her boyfriend, but thought that she was absolutely gorgeous too (mentally and physically). I think coming from out of the blue it would maybe frighten them. Or offend them. Or ruin any chance of a relationship with them. They gave no indication that they have ever or would ever entertain polyamory.

But I can't shake that feeling I got from them during our meeting.

Bunny
 
Well according to the Kinsey scale, you can be mostly heterosexual, but a little bit bisexual. Perhaps this is where you fall on the scale?

As for your "dream" couple ... what about the idea of just fostering a platonic friendship with them for now? Then if it has the potential for something more, that could evolve over time.

As for your boyfriend ... could you open things up for both of you? so that he can have a second girlfriend, but you can also be a part of another couple (or explore that possibility)?

Just some thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I know opening the relationship would mean I could venture out and find a couple while my long term boyfriend could venture out and find a second girlfriend but this is where my stomach knots up--the idea of him with another woman makes me feel physically ill. I wouldn't begrudge him that--it is only fair if I want to be with another couple--I just don't know how much I would like it.

I may be more comfortable with opening up to another girlfriend for both of us to start with, then I venture out to find a couple?

I don't even know where to start finding such people. Craigslist seems sketchy (but this also shows I've explored Craigslist for such things).

Regarding my 'dream' couple, I currently live about 3 hours away from them. I am friends on social media with both of them, and could maybe generate things that way. Maybe ask to hang out next time I am in town (family lives down there)? Why is is so hard to cultivate relationships (make friends) the older we get? (HAHA, another forum topic).

Bunny
 
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Hi Bunny and welcome!

It sounds like this might be a time to dive into reading about polyamory, before even considering talking with your partner or looking for other partners. More than Two and Opening Up are two great books to read to get more knowledge about polyamory. I would highly recommend doing lots and lots and lots of reading before jumping in (I say this as someone who opened a mono relationship withOUT doing the reading beforehand).

If you're thinking about looking for a girlfriend that you and your partner date, know that triads like this are notoriously unstable. It's rare that each partner has "equal" (whatever that means) feelings for each other partner, which often leads to jealousy, chaos, and hurt (often for the person "joining" the existing relationship). Trust me, you'll come around many stories like this on this forum. Check out this: http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/. You may want to read it from the perspective of looking for a girlfriend, as well as dating a couple. Oftentimes, the most success comes from triads that form naturally - where you date someone and this partner and your preexisting partner happen to hit it off. Much rarer, though.

Hopefully that gives you a good start to doing some research! Best of luck!
 
Re (from Bunny716):
"I don't even know where to start finding such people. Craigslist seems sketchy."
Click to expand...

Poly-friendly dating sites are your next option. The ones I know of are:

Also helpful might be a search for local poly groups in your area. Try googling "polyamory" along with the name of your state or nearest major city. A poly group is not for dating, but you can make platonic friends in such a group, and something more might develop from a friendship later on.

But like reflections said there's no hurry. There's a lot of reading to be done.
 
I'm so grateful for all the help and guidance I've already received. Yesterday I was so anxious, excited, scared, confused. Today, I feel calmer and ready to learn, learn, learn before I say anything more to my BF.

*I am going to do my best to cultivate a relationship with my "dream" couple (even from 3 hours away).
*I am going to start getting out of my comfort zone and making friends with any one or any gender I feel I have chemistry with.

I did have an epiphany on my drive home from work today:

"The reason the idea of my boyfriend having another girlfriend turns my stomach is: He doesn't always treat me the greatest...seeing him with another but treating her the way he treated me in the beginning of our relationship would hurt me on many levels. I would feel inadequate."

I think because of this, it would be best we open up with a young lady that we could both cultivate a relationship with. Someone we are both attracted to.
 
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Bunny716 said:
I'm so grateful for all the help and guidance I've already received. Yesterday I was so anxious, excited, scared, confused. Today, I feel calmer and ready to learn, learn, learn before I say anything more to my BF.
Click to expand...

Glad to hear it!

I think because of this, it would be best we open up with a young lady that we could both cultivate a relationship with. Someone we are both attracted to.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a great epiphany. So THIS is the time to work on your relationship before opening up. Adding more people to a relationship with problems ends in chaos. Being poly shines a light on every single flaw you have in your current relationship. I say this from experience as well as reading many posts on here.

Think about this: how would you feel if your shared girlfriend isn't as interested in you? What if they hit it off and you two don't? What happens if she and you click, but not her and your partner - how would your partner feel? How would you feel seeing him treat her great (new relationship energy is an addicting experience, floods your brain with chemicals) and you and her are having problems? Oftentimes, the "shared" girlfriend develops a strong relationship with one partner, but not the other. I'm not saying it's not possible, but again, notoriously unstable. Try googling "unicorn hunters" and do some reading. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but remember: read, read, read.
 
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