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FreeToBeMe

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Hello out there, I'm new here. My hubby and I have been married for 16 years and about a year ago, he brought up polyamory. At first I was very resistant to the idea. Then about 2 months ago, I met a guy and the whole idea of polyamory was suddenly like "WOW, this really could be great!"

Well, it wasn't. I won't go into more details here.

I am cautiously exploring the idea of what it means to be poly, and if this could really work in my life. I'm hoping mostly to lurk and read a lot, as I figure out who I really am and what I really want. Not as easy as I would have thought!
 
Hi FreeToBeMe - and welcome to the Forum! Sorry to hear that things started off on the rough side, and no, transitioning a mono marriage to a poly marriage is not necessarily the easiest endeavor you will ever undertake. :) The good news is that it is possible (well, in many cases, including mine - but obviously not all). And - we have a good number of experienced poly folks here who are generally friendly and helpful so please don't hesitate to post any specific thoughts and questions that you might have - you are almost certain to receive thoughtful responses.

Here is a collection of links to some of the best poly web sites that you might find helpful: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

And here's a couple of book recommendations that I recently messaged to another newbie:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
I recommend this book as the best introductory book to poly for those who are curious and perhaps considering opening their own marriage up. It presents the larger world of consensual non-monogamy and then where poly fits within that sphere, as well as nice overview of the ethical practice of poly as well.

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up by Cunning Minx
In the 100 page range, a nice discussion of poly for those who have chosen to adopt the poly lifestyle. Quick, easy and helpful read.

Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
A somewhat more advanced philosophical book for the individual who has decided to adopt poly, I found this book to be very insightful and helpful. Very engaging and readable.

Best of luck on your journey!

Al
 
Greetings FreeToBeMe,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear that things did not go as easily for you in poly as you were hoping they would. Hopefully the things you read here will help you figure out whether poly is something that could fit in your life. Let us know if you have any questions!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
AI99, thanks for the ideas, I actually have the book "opening up" that's my next read.

At this stage, I'm just doing lots of reading and thinking and talking with hubby.

I've also talked with a couple of poly folks in my area, and that's very insightful.

If nothing else, I am very interested in creating real, genuine, relationships with other people, which is something I realize that in my married life, I tend to shut out. It's been a real eye opener as far as what it means to interact with other people, and I love that!
 
Adam and I say that for us, poly is about letting any connection we make with other people unfold naturally and to its fullest extent rather than limiting it on the grounds that we're married. Some connections don't get very far, some have become (so far short term) relationships, some have become really amazing friends (with benefits). We aren't actively looking for more long term relationships, we just get to know people and see what develops. We date separately, always have.

My Other Significant Other is still a Long Distance Relationship (met online and not in person yet) and we don't know how that will unfold yet once he is in our country. That has grown from casual messages to friendship to flirty friends to a loving friendship to a burgeoning romance. It's been a unique experience for me, that's not the way I tend to meet guys in person lol.

Adam and I don't share too much information about our other people. We know when each other are on dates and with whom, but that's all we really need to know. We don't police each other's progress with others (e.g. no rules around sex). We practice courtesy - such as change the sheets if we've hosted someone here, don't use my special coffee mug for someone else (that one needed to be retroactively highlighted lol).

It's great to start communicating about poly before practicing it. But many of my challenges have been the ones that blindside you on a Tuesday afternoon. Buttons I didn't know were there to be pushed. I always bear in mind that these are no-one's fault and not something that is being done to wind me up intentionally. There's no point trying to pre-empt everything with rules. Rules are made to be broken anyway. Courtesy is easier to manage. We communicate about what our values are, which mesh strongly anyway since we did choose to get married after all, and base our courtesy practices upon those.
 
Evie,

Thanks for your reply. I especially like the first paragraph about letting any relationship unfold to its fullest extent without trying to stay within any particular predefined "box."

In my ideal world, that's what I would like in my life.

Thanks again for sharing part of your story. :)
 
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