Hello from New York...

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branches

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My name is Colleen, and I live in New York City. I am film maker, a helpless nerd, and lover of food. I am new to polyamory, having only discovered the term in September. I have since done a LOT of reading and soul searching.

Before that, I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of my life trying to search for which psychological issue was messing up my life. I have moved from relationship to relationship, never really feeling content. I've always formed deep bonds with other people, and then ended my relationships out of guilt. When I discovered polyamory, for the first time in probably my entire adult life, I felt whole.

But it came at a terrible time. I've been in a monogamous relationship for three years. I love my boyfriend (calling him the Writer from here on out) deeply, and perhaps the extent of my love played a part in realizing that polyamory was right for me. Because, no matter how deep of a bonded I've formed with the other men in my life (which I have never hidden from the Writer, for the record), I have not fallen out of love with him. If anything, I've loved him all the more.

Anyway, I don't want to go too far beyond my "introduction."
 
Greetings Colleen,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So, does the Writer know what you have discovered about polyamory? and if so, what does he think about it? It sounds like you are in a tight spot.

Hopefully Polyamory.com will provide you the info and feedback you need. You're not alone.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you, Kevin!

Yes, Writer does know about what I've learned about polyamory. I thought I had mentioned it, but my original post disappeared when I tried to upload it.

About a month after I discovered polyamory, I brought it up to him. I told him how I'd noticed patterns since my very first relationship as a teenager. It was a tearful conversation, and he was understanding at first. But by the next day, the 'I'm not good enough for you,' reaction kicked in, and it's been really rough ever since. I now have to ask for permission to do everything... Making a phone call, getting coffee with a friend, even wanting some privacy so that I can write an email. I've realized that he is completely dependant on me (he is an introvert, and gets all of his social needs solely from me, and makes no effort to have other friends.) He's also become unwilling to talk about my hopes for polyamory (his line is, "there's nothing to say that we haven't already said"). I desperately want to make our relationship work. But I'm at my wit's end, here. I don't know what to do. I can't stay silent forever.
 
Wow, that's pretty rough. Would he be willing to do some reading?
 
He's promised that he would, and I think he read one or two websites back in October and then quit. He insists that anywhere that gives advice will just try to convince me to leave him. He's terrified to me leaving him, so he seems quite content to sit in stasis and pretend like i never said anything. Whenever I bring it up, he shuts me down. I was dealing with it for a while, but recently I've gotten really depressed.
 
It seems to me that he is more likely to drive you away by ignoring something important to you (poly), than he is by paying attention to it.

Some books that would be good for him to read:

  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
You might want to read them even if he won't ...
 
Hey,

I'm new to this too, but coming at it from a different perspective. I'd never thought about polyamory until I met someone who was. Perhaps I can offer you some different perspectives and answer some questions for your boyfriend. He might find it useful talking to someone who also had to take a very deep breath when she opened her first polyamory book... it does get easier.

Also, I consider myself fiercely independent and love being with many different people, even when involved in some sort of 'monogamous' interaction, sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse about that part.

Good luck with everything, message me if you wish!

All the best
X
 
Hello Colleen,
It doesn't sound promising making poly work with him right now, he has to be willing to at least discus it to go further. All you can do is find ways to reinforce your love and commitment to him, then try to talk about it. He may not realize this, in the end he might not have a choice in what you do, especially so if he is throwing off warning sign's like being controlling...
No need to get depressed, you don't have to have his permission, or be actively dating others, in order to identify as poly. If it's what you are, he cant change that. There are many poly people in committed monogamist relationships. And who knows what the future might bring.
 
Thank you so much! I will keep it in mind, if he needs someone to talk to. He tends to say he doesn't think it would help, but you never know!
 
I'm very new to this as well but maybe this helps:

During two seminars, I learned about the theory and practiced Nonviolent communication which helped me a lot in conflict resolution: accessing, understanding and expressing ones own feelings and needs, as well as trying to emphasize with the conflicting party. It might help you in this context. Of course it depends on the other party; if they're unwilling to share their feelings and needs, then there's nothing one can do. In that case it would be entirely up to you what to do and how to continue.
 
branches said:
. . . the 'I'm not good enough for you,' reaction kicked in, and it's been really rough ever since. I now have to ask for permission to do everything... Making a phone call, getting coffee with a friend, even wanting some privacy so that I can write an email.
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You have to? Wow, how did he convince you to give him such authority over your life? If you aren't chained up and under lock and key, I cannot fathom how he would need to grant you permission to make a phone call. That sounds rather abusive.

You are a free person, and can live your life as you see fit without holding your hand out to your insecure boyfriend to be "allowed" to do anything. Remaining in victim mode like that will only make things worse for both of you.
 
I have heard this sentiment repeated a few times in the short time I've been on the board, and it really is a new mind set for some of us. I have not found it easy to just go out and do as I please and expect the others in my life that I love to just find a way to deal with their feelings about it. I've always wanted my loves to be happy, and yes that has affected what I choose to do and how I go about doing it. I have felt responsible for how they feel about things, instead of making them responsible for how they feel about things. I guess it's been about navigating the risk of people who are willing to walk away if they don't like what's going on.
 
Aridan said:
I have heard this sentiment repeated a few times in the short time I've been on the board, and it really is a new mind set for some of us.
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Really? You think it's normal or perfectly acceptable for the OP to be expected to ask permission from her boyfriend to make a phone call or send a text to a friend? A platonic friend?
 
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It's been a new mind set for me to think I don't need my partner's agreement for everything that I want to do or that I actually do. I spend a lot of time wanting my partners to be happy and my behavior reflects that. I wouldn't presume to say what is normal or perfectly acceptable for anyone. But I notice since this has been advised in a couple of places, I'm not the only one who is new to this advice.
 
Aridan said:
It's been a new mind set for me to think I don't need my partner's agreement for everything that I want to do or that I actually do.
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Everything you want to do? If this is the case, then how can you possibly function day-to-day if/when you are not in a relationship?
 
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nycindie said:
Everything you want to do? If this is the case, then how can you possibly function day-to-day if/when you are not in a relationship?
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Ah well, as much fun as it might be to dissect my comments and interpret my words in a super literal way, I don't want to hijack this thread. It's probably best to focus on the OP and her concerns. I appreciate your feedback though!
 
This is not a threadjack (and tangents are allowed here, though I disagree that this is one). We are both engaged in this discussion. Why do you want to steer it away now, from a point you brought up? My question is sincere and for the OP's benefit as well.

If one is always waiting for approval or permission from a partner to do the things one wants to do, which have nothing to do with their partner, such as hobbies, being in touch with platonic friends, taking classes, etc., how can one possibly function? How can one's own autonomy and individuality be honored and respected if there is always permission to be sought after from someone who has somehow been designated in charge, even though they're supposed to be a partner who, as I see it, should be standing at one's side and not above? Sure, the actual asking for their permission may not be overt; but if your life is on hold waiting for someone else to be okay with what you want to do for your own enrichment, there is going to be a shitload of frustration and self-directed anger after one's life has not been lived to one's own satisfaction for a long time.
 
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The OP stated that she now "has to" ask her bf's permission to contact her friends or do anything without him, because of his insecurities -- which basically means he is now running her life -- and Aridan has said that is a mindset that is hard to overcome. My questions about it are meant to provoke more thought on the subject for both posters, which is a perfectly acceptable response in this conversation. Yes, the link you provided could be helpful as well because a partnership isn't meant to be a dictatorship, and a partner is not one's boss or owner. I don't know why people seem to allow basic respect and decency in a relationship to fly out the window when polyamory enters the picture.
 
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