Hello from Spokane!

[masterchiefandcortana]

Hi! You can call me Cortana. I'm 25, soon to be 26 (two weeks, yaaaay!) and my husband who we can call Chief is 26, soon to be 27! We have two kids, 3 and 1.

We're just starting to dip our toes into this lifestyle. I'll admit, I do want it more than him. I've always been very interested in polyamory but it's never been on his radar. Chief grew up in a mono lifestyle and has been taught to think as such his whole life. I made a mistake in failing to mention my interest in polyamory when we met, as I'd never been in a poly relationship and had only met one person who was interested in poly before meeting my husband (but that ended up being a very toxic relationship and I ended it quickly). Chief's interested and curious but gets very discouraged and wants to call it quits whenever he finds someone that might have potential and they ghost him. (Let's be real... some people can be really flaky.)

Chief is more interested in getting into the swinging lifestyle because he's afraid of emotional complications, but I know now that's not what I want. I've expressed disinterest in it since the beginning and reading some of the topics here have only confirmed that in me. There was really only one person that I was interested in.

The complication is that I'm interested in someone we're both friends with who is currently living out of state, someone Chief has known for a long time. Chief doesn't like that and feels like it's a threat to our marriage. I don't feel that way and have seen a huge improvement to our relationship. We've been much more sexually active and affectionate and caring since I started talking intimately to our friend (with Chief's knowledge!! My goal is to be as honest as possible in this whole situation). Edit: We've also been a lot more open and honest!

I guess this is just me saying hi and putting out there what I'm going through... so... hi. I'm Cortana. I won't help you search for nearby car dealerships or power on your Xbox but I can have nice, civil discussions on the interwebs. Any advice or questions or comments are welcome.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Cortana,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like Chief has some reservations, but he is supporting you in your poly nevertheless. Can I ask, why does he feel that it's a threat to your marriage? Does he see the huge improvement to your relationship? I think the main thing for now is just to be open and honest and continue communicating. And, hopefully Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!

 

[lunabunny]

Hi Cortana, and welcome to the forum.

It sounds like polyamory is something your husband might be able to get his head around and come to accept and appreciate, in time, although there are no guarantees. He will have to do some work on deconstructing the ideas about monogamy that are so prevalent in our culture however.

Gently encourage him to do some research on the subject and keep reiterating how much you love him and point out the improvements you've been noticing in your relationship without putting undue pressure on him to agree or be ready to jump into poly prematurely. This process takes time, if it's going to happen at all.

 

[Al99]

Hi Cortana - and welcome to the Forum! When you are coming from a mono mindset and very likely have never even considered an open marriage, agreeing to open your marriage at the request of your spouse is a challenging prospect - and that is sizable understatement. I know from experience as my wife made this request of me a couple of years ago (see sig link below for the full story). And I am certain that your interest in someone you both know makes it that much more difficult a consideration for your husband- but that is not to say that you are wrong to have feelings for your friend, but it does make a transition to poly more challenging.

whenever he finds someone that might have potential and they ghost him. (Let's be real... some people can be really flaky.)

Yep - it is a well established truism that women generally have much more success in finding other partners in a poly marriage (or open marriage in general). As has been often noted in discussions here, married poly women are like catnip to men, whereas women often tend to avoid married poly men like the plague. The consensus seems to be that many women suspect that married men are simply lying when they say they are in an open marriage - so they can score with the woman, or they are not interested in a man who is not available for a "real relationship".

Chief is more interested in getting into the swinging lifestyle

Just from a recreational sex standpoint, swinging is often a better choice for men - because swinging is usually done as a couple, so both have equal access to other partners. But that is not really the point of poly - at least not the entire point.

Again, welcome - and best of luck on your journey! Al