Hello from Toronto

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YesJames

New member
Hi Everyone.

I'm a middle-aged married man. My wife and I have been together for about 15 years, no kids, and have been dipping our toes in the waters of non-monogamy for a couple of years. I think we're both equally interested and enthusiastic about the idea. We had very conservative sex/relationship lives before marriage and would like more experiences beyond what we can provide each other with. We've done workshops, read books, visited a local sex club a couple of times, set up online dating profiles and each gone on at least one coffee date. And like most of you, I'm sure, talked exhaustively. It's all injected some new excitement and sense of evolution into our relationship, but ultimately not taken us anywhere. And I seem to be the problem. She has no trouble connecting with potential partners online--messages start flooding in within minutes of her setting up a profile. And men show interest in her in the non-virtual world, as expected. She's a kind, attractive woman. But I'm no slouch myself and despite that, online dating at several sites has been a virtual bust for me (no responses or messages for months at a time, only the one coffee date). Approaching women in the "real" world as a married man is dodgy at best and not something I'm comfortable with, and our several forays into poly-friendly environments haven't resulted in any connections. My wife doesn't feel right about moving forward without me despite having opportunities to do so. So she's frustrated as well.

We can't be the only couple experiencing this lopsided dynamic. Maybe I've got some gigantic self awareness blind spot, but it seems to me that from an economics perspective, the relationship market value of a middle-aged, straight, married man is pretty darn low. I've read many accounts of men convincing their reluctant female partners to try non-monogamy, only to be left it the dust of her new found freedom. I don't know how much this gets talked about on this forum.

Fortunately, my experience doesn't damper my interest in the open relationship movement. I'm very interested in the critical examination of monogamy. It's been such a sacrosanct concept for so long, despite the glaring divorce and infidelity statistics that betray its touted "naturalness". Hoping to learn more here, and possibly connect with like-minded people.

James
 
Hi YesJames - and welcome to the Forum!

We can't be the only couple experiencing this lopsided dynamic
Click to expand...

You are most certainly not alone in this experience - in fact it seems to be a virtual truism in the poly world, and has been discussed here and elsewhere extensively. As one of our veteran members, FallenAngelina, put it - poly women are like catnip to men whereas women avoid poly men like the plague. The reason seems to be that there is a perception by many men that poly women are available without the necessity of serious commitment as well as a perception by many women that poly men are not available for committed relationships, as well as the constant suspicions that men who say they are poly (from an "open marriage") really aren't - but are just saying that as a means of getting women to go out with them even though they are married (that is - they are really just lying about the poly - and are just plain old cheaters).

The best suggestion to counter this seems to be to become involved in your local poly community - if there is one. Obviously major metro areas would be more likely to have established poly communities.

We do have a number of experienced poly folks here that might be able to make additional and more detailed suggestions - so hopefully some of them will chime in as well.

But - probably fair to say that he situation is certainly not hopeless - so best of luck on this new poly journey! Al
 
Greetings James,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Your situation is fairly common, in that a married poly man usually fares much less well on an online dating site than a married poly woman. Although women seem to get a lot of messages from scumbags, a quantity versus quality type thing. Anyway, there does not seem to be an easy solution to this problem. You just have to be patient. There are possibilities as far as meeting people IRL is concerned, but I know you said you weren't very comfortable with that. It's just hard because poly isn't widely accepted yet. It is a growing movement.

In spite of all that, I hope you'll enjoy your stay on Polyamory.com ... make yourself at home and don't hesitate to post your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise. It's good to have you onboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks

Thanks for the feedback guys. It does seem like my partner and I are most likely destined to be poly/open in spirit more than practice. But that still brings a refreshing level of honesty and freedom to our relationship. However, I'm still open to any practical advice that increases my odds of connecting with potential partners!

Thanks again. I'm sure I'll be lurking on this board for some time, soaking up the vibe and reading about everyone's challenges and adventures.

James
 
If you are reasonably attractive, I am surprised you haven't had more luck online. You might try looking around for online dating tips. You have to find something that works for you, but mine was that I made it very clear that I was married and participating in ethical non-monogamy. It put out in the open that I wasn't cheating; I wasn't hiding anything. My goals were to go out on dates. Not to have a life partner or have sex, or any thing beyond find someone to go to concerts or beer festivals or things my wife didn't want to do.

It would attract poly folks as well as monogamous folks that were just there until they found the relationship they were looking for. But it was all out on the table from the beginning. No games.

But if you are not having luck with online dating, I would recommend joining a poly group.
 
Thanks for the tips, Nox. I didn't want to go into too much detail about my online dating trials in my introduction, but I'm pretty sure I know why I'm not having luck. And there's not much I can do about it. My wife and I can't "come out" about our open relationship experiment, so neither of us can show our faces in online dating profiles. She has a sensitive job with the public, and I have nieces and nephews who use online dating sites. We just don't want to deal with the potential professional and family fallout of being outed. Predictably, in my wife's case, not showing her face hasn't seemed to be an issue at all. One or two sexy body pics from the neck down, and she's off and running. For me, on the other hand, no face equals no interest. I'm in pretty good shape but I understand that headless photos of men must come off as evasive and suspicious to women. I get it.

Curious side note...my wife and I had linked, faceless profiles on OKC. Mine eventually got deactivated without warning or explanation, hers was left intact. Since then, every time I've tried to create a new profile, it's been taken down within hours, no matter how innocuous I make the content. I seem to have been blacklisted by OKC. I feel like such an online outlaw. Ha!
 
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