Hello I am Lionness

L

Lionness

New member
Hi Everyone, My Name is Lionness. I am a 31 year old woman who has been married to my husband for 4 years. I had not heard about the poly thing before this summer. I was very happy living the monogamous lifestyle.

My husband came home after a 2 month fieldstudy to tell me he was in love with another woman, that he had decided some important things and wanted to be able to love others. That if it didn't hurt anyone, why was it wrong? He asked me to be open minded and thing about being poly critically. Before he came back he gave no indication of changing, so all of it caught be off guard, shocked and hurt.

I went for 7 years believing one thing, well my whole life really. But 7 years believing he wanted the same thing I did. Only to find in 2 months, when we barely were able to communicate, that his world had changed and hence, so did mine.

I was devastated at first, thinking I had done something wrong, or he didn't love me anymore. I had never heard of polyamory and I had never thought about the fact that humans have the capacity to love more than one. But I did start thinking critically and through about a Mother's love. If she is able to love all of her children with the same love, aren't we all capable?

This perspective change helped me to be more open minded to his want of change in our relationship but his sudden change and lack of communication has me questioning him now. I wish he had communicated to me as he was changing, things would have been different. But they aren't. So I will move on.

He has also recently discovered that we think he is a very high functioning person with Asperger's. Somethings I would agree on and some I would not. But I am still researching the subject. It would explain some things in our relationship. But I have my questions.

I am more open to the poly life than I am sure I am portraying here. I do feel like I need to deal with my hurt though and I am having trouble healing.

Anyways, I posted already about asking for advice before I realized I hadn't introduced myself. I apologize for not doing this before I asked for help. Thank you for allowing me to participate in your forums.
 
Greetings Lionness,
Welcome welcome. I hope you are finding our forum to be helpful.

Thank you for your official introduction here. As I mentioned in your other thread, a poly-friendly therapist might be able to help you heal from the wounded sense of trust that you feel. Of course, we can also help here on Polyamory.com, and ultimately you will need your husband to demonstrate that he can be trusted in the future.

Let us know how we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
are you really open?

My wife surprised me too with the poly thing a few years back. I went open but it was to make her happy. It really blew up in our faces. We discussed it extensively for a few years and now we are open again.

I suggest that you have him sit down with you and discuss what he wants in full detail. List things that make you uncomfortable and the things that you like. A checklist would not hurt. Write things down. Try discussing it a few times a week when you are in bed or relaxing. You need to become familiar with the concept before you actually implement it.

If he is really and truly poly, he needs to know that you have to respect everyone involved. He should know that it is a process for all partners and he needs to move slowly for you. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship like this and if he isn't willing to communicate, he probably doesn't want to love multiple people. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
 
I will add that my husband knew to not tell me by phone that he was falling in love with another woman. He knew he would need to be there for me and I am glad he was because i went through some dark times and if he had told me on the phone and then not been able to talk to me as often as I needed him, which was very often, I would have been greatly depressed or maybe suicidal.

I was very upset when he told me he waited to tell me in person because I felt lied to, but I see now that he had my best interest at heart. Even with him being there for me I have gone through a grieving process, depressed, losing weight, hair, not being hungry, crying. It has been hard, but he has been there for me.

I think that if being poly is really a thing, and I think it is, that it can be a beautiful thing, but will take some work on my part to get there. My husband, my supporter is helping me all along the way.

I am so glad that this forum is here. Before this I had no way to communicate outside of him and felt alone sometimes. It's nice to know there are people who read and respond and want to help. Thank you for your support and kind words.
Love,

Lioness
 
Your perspective on all that has happened is gracious and generous. I am glad to help in any way possible.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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