Hello, I am new to Poly

[ViolentteKittie]

I was looking for advice for being in a poly/open relationship. As of right now me and my guy have not met in person. however He will be moving to my city within the next couple months. He first sujested this Idea because He does realy like me however with being long distance and have not talked face to He beleives that a closed relationship is a bad idea. I agree with that. However when he first mentioned the idea I thought he would just want it open untill we meet and decided what to do, but it turnes out he will want to keep it open. He has never been in an openrelationship either so we are both new to this. we decided that when he moves here, at first we will get our relationship built on a steady foundation before we open it up again (He also told me that relationships can change, hinting that we may keep it closed). But I am scared that I am not ready for an open relationship (casual sex with little or no emotions). I have been very insecure all of my life and have had bad experiences with other partners. Most of my partners have cheated on me. I also have abandonment issues since I was young and I know and I realize this so this is a first step. I like the idea and I would like him to be happy and It would make me feel good knowing that I dont have to be everything. But I have this voice inside of me telling me If I am not doing everything and satifying him in every way he will see I am worthless and leave me for someone else.

I know its good for me to see and acknowlege my issues It is just hard for me to deal with. I already have a wall up around me and I know that everyone will leave my life at some point or another. So I feel alone and I hate loosing people I care deeply for.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings ViolentteKittie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have some insecurity to deal with. I hope Polyamory.com can help you with that. You are a good person and deserve to be loved! I'm sure you're both anxious and excited about your guy moving to your city. Maybe this anxiety ramps up your insecurity? Just a thought.

Glad you could join us in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[ViolentteKittie]

Thank you so much Kevin T. I will look through those pages. I am hoping it works out because I have always been interested in being open.

It could be because I am nervous you are right. He is helping me through a lot of and we are being open and talking about a lot of stuff too. I should look at all the positives instead of all the possible negatives.

 

[IndieSolo]

He wants something that you don't. So why do you think you have to go along with it? Is he your boss? Your father? No, he's someone you haven't even met, who is telling you how he wants a relationship with you to go, without even waiting to see how you two get along. You don't even know if you will be compatible once you do meet.

So, stop fretting - it isn't all up to him, you have a say about what you want and that is just as valid as what he wants.

When you meet, go very slowly. Do not have him move in with you, that would be sheer stupidity. If you met on the internet, you don't even know if he is who he says he is. You might meet him and be hugely disappointed, and yet now you're off imagining how you can make him happy. That is not logical nor sensible. Be very careful!!!

 

[FallenAngelina]

...I am not ready for an open relationship (casual sex with little or no emotions).

An open relationship doesn't mean casual sex with little or no emotions.

That said, you don't sound ready at all for an open relationship and there's absolutely no reason you ever should be ready for an open relationship if it's not what you want. The specter of an open relationship is hooking you in all of your most vulnerable, unresolved and fearful places right now and this is most definitely not the time to be even considering such an arrangement. I strongly encourage you to think and focus on what you want and not on pleasing this prospective partner. Doing things to please another can be a beautiful experience, but only when both people feel genuine delight in whatever is proposed. Your deep trepidation is the opposite of delight. It's a very loud and clear red stop sign telling you that this proposal is not right for you. Something like this may or may not work for you later, after you've gotten much better footing with your insecurities, but right now you've got all the information you need to take a pass on this option. What kind of relationship do you want?

Successful open relationships require a great deal of maturity and usually quite a bit of experience. They certainly require all participants to be generally self-propelling and secure. I'd go so far as to say that open relationships never work when one person is struggling with insecurity or trying to please a partner. Also, very important: Don't ever let anyone tell you that attachment and love feelings won't happen or worse, aren't "allowed" in an open relationship or any relationship. Mother Nature has put everything in place so that humans do attach while engaging in sex, so feeling love/fondness is normal and it very likely will happen to some degree. Trying to legislate against feelings is foolhardy and often the source of much anguish in couples that set out to "play only." Certainly, a play-only or a FWB relationship can be fun and wonderful, but often much more than that develops in an open relationship, so you should be aware at the outset that love feelings are normal and to be expected. Don't ever let anyone tell you that feelings won't happen because they are against the rules. Human rules are no match for Love.