Hello - New here and really to Poly

Txtabby06

Txtabby06

New member
Hey,
I am a married 37 year old, and bi sexual. I am married to a great guy going on 19 years. For a long time I have often missed being with women, I would say it's one of the only things I feel like I'm missing in my marriage. There are just aspects of a relationship and intimacy with a woman that is very different than a man for me.

After discussing this with my husband he agreed that he would be open to trying out an MFF polyfidelity type setup. He says he doesn't want to just jump from partner to partner and would prefer to build something from friendship and go from there with one person at a time, which I agree with since I'm not just looking for random hookups either.

At one point we did briefly involve another woman, we met in an online dating site. He was much more attracted to her than I was, which did take away from the experience as I just didn't connect it feel comfortable, no one seemed really comfortable so it didn't last long though now and then she will still say hi and catch up. Admittedly, I feel that we did rush into it, and I don't think any of us were clear on what we were wanting. Needles to say I stepped back from the entire thing for awhile.

We talked about scenarios, what we did and didn't want it of the relationship and really worked to flesh things out. I feel like we've gotten things into a good perspective and I am ready to start getting it there and give it another go. So here I am. Looking forward to learning, and sharing in this great forum throughout our adventure.

Thanks.
 
Hey Tabby

Welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new myself but I've found the advice and wisdom of the more senior members here to be both useful and insightful.

It sounds like you're looking for a triad, specifically a woman whom you both can love and whom I presume you want to love you both back. Presumably she would love you both back equally and the two of you (you and your husband) will love her equally. I may have assumed wrongly if that's not what you want. Sorry in that case.

When i first heard of polyamory, i too thought that triads would be the most stable - if everybody loves everybody then i thought the jaelousy would be minimised. The experienced polyamorists on this site however, will often say that such a setup can lead to unhappiness and in fact, is thought to be relatively unstable compared to some other forms of polyamory. The issues arise when one of these 4 love scenarios (your love for her, his love for her, her love for you or her love for him) dissipates. If that happens, will the triad dissolve and is it ethical to condition (for example) your mutual love with her on the condition of her love for him? Other polyamorists have explored this with articles on couple privilege (Google polyamory couple privilege) and unicorn hunting. While these couple privilege and unicorn hunting are often frowned upon because they often don't turn out well, some surprisingly do, so I have heard people say that if it works for you, then good on you. But it's a decision you should make only after researching or taking into account the larger possibility that such a scenario is unlikely to work.

As I said before, I'm relatively junior on these forums, so others might have more insightful advice. But I wish you all the best.

Good luck Tabby,
Shaya.
 
Hey Shaya,
Thanks for the welcome and the reply. Honestly I haven't really gotten the chance to experience it and what you'd like verses what you get are not always the same.

We don't actually expect relationship equality. Naturally people will feel differently towards one another. My husband and I would ideally​ like to start out getting to know someone, going out doing things everyone is interested in and exploring new things. The relationship isn't contingent on them loving is equally, again I don't think people are wired that way. It would be important to have respect and consideration for each other.

After getting comfortable and getting to know one another we are even open to having individual dates and time that is more one on one.

The dynamic preferred would be a triad, yes. My relationship with her, his relationship with her and our relationship with her. We have talked about fears, concernes, etc. and are more than happy to share all of this upfront so a new partner isn't blind sided, and would hope they would do the same. Honesty and trust in this dynamic for us is paramount.
 
Hi Txtabby06 - welcome to the Forum! I've been here six months or so now - and have found most of the folks here to be friendly and helpful - with lots of sound advice and solid info. I will leave the advice in their capable hands.

Best of luck on your poly journey!

Al
 
Greetings Txtabby06,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You and your husband sound like a cool couple, I think you could make someone really happy and I hope you'll find what you're looking for. If you have any questions let us know, we'll try to answer.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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