Hello, new to site and lifestyle!

[Nikinu]

Hello all,

So I'm here to learn as the title says I'm new!

My situation:

I met my partner through a co-parenting website, we were both looking for that only, especially me! But there was a initial attraction and we started spending ally of time together. He told me at the start of us becoming intimate that in his words he had always cheated on girlfriends in the past. So we had a couple of ups and downs but became extremely close. I am and always have been a monogamous person. So his feelings grew and we had a few frank conversations about his lifestyle, he is polyamorous but has never successfully been so in an open and honest way. So we are now in a relationship, I'm his primary partner he loves me very much but still needs to be himself. We have had a few discussions, it gets easier for both of us every time and we seem to be doing ok. This is new ground for both of us, he has never had an accepting partner who tolerates or allows him to freely be him and he has never loved often, obviously coming from a mono only background it's all new for me! We are very connected, have the added commitment of starting a family and I do believe we can make this work. Oddly enough he seems to be struggling more than me, I'm trying to get him to let go of the guilt and be him in an honest open way.

Sorry for the long intro, just feels ours is a particularly odd/awkward/different situation so wanted to get as much down as poss!! I've already done some research before joining this forum but I'm here to learn, share stories/experiences and am hoping I may find it useful to help with the transition into my new lifestyle. I'm hoping he will become a member too!

 

[Al99]

Nikinu - welcome to the Forum! I've only been here for a few months - equally new to poly - but have found folks here to be friendly and helpful with lots of sound advice and good information. I will leave it to those more experienced members to offer advice on your situation.

Best,

Al

 

[MockingJay]

Hello!

I am new here also, in a similar situation. I can say that you are definitely not alone! My wife and I have only started to accept her poly nature in the last week or so, and I can also say it almost seems harder on her than it is on me in some ways. While I've had to deal with my own insecurities, it has been hard for her to truly open herself up to others and pursue another relationship out of fear of hurting us. I have been trying to help by encouraging her and also giving reassurance that I will always be here for her and am okay with it. After all it is about sharing their happiness and excitement in new relationships.

Not sure if this is the same type of feeling that he is going through but it is definitely a big adjustment for both partners after sharing a typical monogamous relationship for any length of time.

Best of luck!

Regards,

 

[Ravenscroft]

Oh, heavens, this isn't pretty. The folllowing will be difficult to read for many people.

I'm seeing nothing but flags & most are red...

the transition into my new lifestyle.

You'd need to explain which "lifestyle" it is that you believe you're entering, seeing as

I am and always have been a monogamous person.

He told me at the start of us becoming intimate that in his words he had always cheated on girlfriends in the past.

Okay, props to him for this moment of honesty. You accepted the contract, explicitly including the clause that says "you have no future right whatever to complain about my wandering dick."

Are you totally okay with that, or did you actually (dishonestly, that is) harbor the Romantic delusion that "I am going to magically fix his waywardness with the power of my True Love because nobody has ever before truly cared about him as much as do I"? I suspect this blindness because

he has never had an accepting partner who tolerates or allows him to freely be him

This doesn't strike me as a good sign. Really, if you're mostly happy with him, then I'd suggest you should set aside all the extraneous nonsense -- like "going poly" -- & enjoy what's actually there, right now.

Let's clarify terminology:

he is polyamorous but has never successfully been so in an open and honest way.

No, he is NOT polyamorous -- of the few hard-&-fast tenets of polyamory, having easy recourse to self-serving lies is pretty much ANTI-polyamory. He may sincerely WANT to become polyamorous, but getting directions to the path is not the same as walking it, & I don't see where he's take Step One yet.

I'm his primary partner

Are you certain of this? as in his only primary? How many primaries has he had? Can you be 100% sure he doesn't have one (or two) more at the moment?

it gets easier for both of us every time

Easier to approach difficult subjects, or easier to avoid them, or easier to minimize them? Communication is more than making mouth-noises.

the added commitment of starting a family

At that point, I'm pretty much certain you're overreaching yourself. You appear to have lost track of one small fact: you both already had children in your care BEFORE YOU MET. That it took his appearance to allow you to actually "make a family" is a little disturbing.

Having an ongoing relationship is one thing, & doable even with a significant degree of mismatch & dishonesty... but dragging kids into the center of it 24/7/365 is a huge leap even under the best of circumstances, which your situation is not.

At the very least, you really need to slow this down.

 

[Nikinu]

Hello all thank you for the replies.

Ravenscroft, I have children but want more my partner does not have any and I believe he has the right to do so, he will be a good father. My children nor his need to know about his time away from me. Yes I believe I am his only primary and we spend most of our time together, I believe in him and his feelings for me. The new lifestyle I am entering into is a mono/poly open and honest relationship which is a first for me but am willing to learn out of my emotion for him and the commitment we have made. I hope this answers your questions.
He has never used this site before and last night I showed him my post, unfortunately I had not seen the last response, I wish I had, he is now reticent to join and really doesn't need anymore guilt laying on him. I had to sit and reassure him I do not share your views on him. He has gone today to see someone and whilst I find it a little discomforting I am happy to set him free, I know he will return.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Nikinu,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope your partner joins us but even if he doesn't, I welcome your participation and hope your experience here is overall positive. Most of the members are agreeable, if you can stand those that aren't. Thank you for joining and for sharing your story. I think you and your partner have a hopeful future together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!