I'm here to learn a little more about what my husband is going through. I'm 30 and my husband and I have been together for 12yrs. About 3yrs ago, he told me he wanted to be in polyamory. I have no desire to be with anyone else, and I'm very hurt that he feels this way. I want to try to understand how he feels and was hoping I can find some great information on here about it.
One thing, I think, that might help you, would be to try and figure out who is really hurting here, and for what actual reasons. Perhaps you could post the top 3 reasons why you are hurt by his desires on here. Then, list the top 3 reasons you think he is wanting to seek a poly lifestyle.
Another thing you need to really look at is your mono relationship with him. Is it Type A, or Type B?
Type A I will define as a relationship where in the past 6 months, you guys went out together, had lots of fun as a couple, sex is still frequent and somewhat exciting, roleplaying by now a bit, hopefully, and he looks forward to talking with you, and you with him, at the end of each day. In other words, there is lots of love, affection, a bit of frolicking, and direct friendship, where the sparks are still flying regularly.
Type B, I would define as the relationship my neighbour has. He comes home from work most days, hangs out with wife. Yeah, they get along, but mostly just have dinner, then TV, then bed, where love and direct affection happens sometimes, but is short-lived. They go out sometimes, but mostly only to dinner, then back home. A night on the town, drinking, partying, and/or a movie with some actual pizazz is a rare thing indeed.
Let's face the reality of it, as a guy, myself, I would be in utter agony if I had woken up one day and realized I was in a Type-B trap. Something would have to give. It takes much effort on
both sides of a relationship to dig yourselves out of this dead end trap. Type B is for senior citizens, not people in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s. If your relationship leans toward Type B, then both of you need to get off your bums and go out. If it takes dating other people, either together, or separate, then do so.
If your relationship leans toward Type A, fantastic. You guys are inseparable, so expanding on this with others will only strengthen your bond.
Your "hurting" is likely the typical insecurity seen with most couples that are ready for something new, but are afraid. It also comes from thinking, "Am I not enough?" when in fact, it has nothing to do with you at all. There are many people, men and women alike, that are always trying to expand and share who they are with others, both with the ones they love, and with their acquaintances. Those type of people know that they can provide an abundance of friendship, and possibly love toward others.
Really now, is it anyone's place to hold that type of person back? Not really. So instead of feeling hurt, you should try and understand the perspective from the other side of the fence. In the end, you might actually find that you are proud of him, and who he can become. If he is truly capable of being that wonderful man you met, bringing someone else in will be a wonderful thing that you can share together with someone new, relighting the fire from within you both, keeping it bright.
Life leads us in many directions. You guys are still young enough to enjoy it all, and passing up opportunities, excitement, love, and companionship would just be boring and wrong. I am 45, and am nowhere near ready to become a senior citizen. So please don't trap yourselves into the Type-B scenario. My neighbour is miserable, and he doesn't even realize it.
Just some twisted thoughts on it...
