Hello

[Gar86]

So I'm a loving husband to a wife who is timid and unsure of what to do. So I went online and after making some mistakes (verbal, not cheating) that pushed her away (I was stupid and said we could just seperate so you can be free... Stupid huh) I came upon an idea Polamory. For years (more in the last few months) she has felt not normal or ashamed for wondering if she could be monogamous in our marriage. Not for a lack of love or care for me. Always saying she wishes she could find a man that was someone that could be a friend and partner (she uses many more words and back track and gets defensive).

Well after discussions and me being selfish it came down to me being receptive/accepting but narrow minded about what she could do and still be socially acceptable in today society. One night while she was so conflicted about being here hurting me (I never said she was) I came accross the idea of polamory. She was apprehensive at first because she has many trust issues and thought this was my way of doing tit for tat because she already had a person she was talking with that she was beginning to have feelings for (even though she wouldn't admit it).

Now here's why I got on here. She is ok with the principles of poly because it can be what we make it and it doesn't mean she doesn't love me. She also now accepts that I'm not in the market for a women (I found the one I want and I'm fine with that). She is stuck though on the stigma of having another partner. I'm dumbfounded on how to approach her fear. I know they're a mixture of fear of losing me and fear of hurting the other guy. He lives states away and is not even up for a serious relationship which works for her since she's easing into this as well. How do I continue to calm her fears while she fields this other relationship out. I've told her that all this is on her meaning as long as she can make time for both and is not neglectful than I'm fine.

Any Advice Anyone?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Gar86,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sure if you keep reassuring her, your wife will do fine. Is she interested in joining us here? Maybe Polyamory.com could serve as an outlet for her to express whatever misgivings she has.

You might find it helpful to read poly books together. Here's a few of the really good titles I know of:

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
• "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
• "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.

You could take turns reading out loud to each other, then discuss what you learned from that day's reading.

I'll let you know if I can think of some more advice. In the meantime, keep reading and posting to let us know of your questions and concerns as you're going along.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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