Blah...yeah. Seeing family is great, but I hate how stressful the holidays can be.
As for how the two relationships go... well I'm not exactly sure how to compare the two, or if I even can. They are a lot alike, but when it comes down to it, they both have really different personalities.
For a long time I kept BF at arms length just because that's what monogamous people do when with someone of the opposite sex other than their spouse. Also, we haven't had a lot of time alone with one another other than online just because H has been the one to organize things the three of us would do together or what the two of them would do if I wasn't around. So that relationship is sort of stunted in my opinion. But we have become a lot closer over the past year.
H has become fairly responsible and driven to finish his schooling and start his career as a teacher. He is fun to be around, but he can also have a temper from time to time. We share the same broad interests, but I've found that specifics are different, so it has been difficult for me to connect with him leisurewise lately. But we still love each other very much. He is stable and I know I can rely on him to keep our home and relationship running.
BF is slightly more immature in a lot of ways. He does have dreams, but not a lot of drive, and is having a bit of trouble keeping a job lately. Hasn't dated anyone in over seven years, since before H and I started dating, though he says he's been looking. But on the other hand, our personalities are more similar. We're both quiet and a bit socially anxious and I can relate to him better on that front. We like a lot of the same video games and we play together quite a bit. While on the online ones, we chat often, which is great for us, since both of us have some difficulties connecting with people verbally. That's the main area where we have had to opportunity to connect with one another.
I haven't gotten a good feel for how they would feel about this. I had a plan to tell both of them how I felt while the three of us were out for dinner and a movie about nine months ago. I had written out my feelings as a guide. Unfortunately plan fell through and we didn't get to go to the movie. I was so disappointed. H and I had an out of town trip that weekend and he wanted us to be rested for it. I hope this is not TMI, but on that trip, I had my first and only psychotic break. We had to come back early and I was hospitalized that weekend. Can't remember everything I told the two of them during that time, but there was no filter on my feelings. I know I showed H the letter I wrote and he reacted negatively to it initially. For a few he'd get upset if he knew BF and I were online together. We found out that I have bipolar disorder and I had a big depressive phase over the summer. Between H's reaction and that and me trying to get back to normal, going to work and school and staying on a routine, I had to back away from BF for a while, but in the past month or so, things have been better, and I feel like the three of us are at the point we were right before I was going to come out to them.
Since then H has given me some feedback... like if BF does something dumb like quit three jobs in one summer he'll say "see this is why I don't want BF getting close to us, because he's always going to let us down." Or he's said that he doesn't want him living with us (even though we were sort of planning on it for a while) because he doesn't think he'll keep up with his end of the bills. But BF has lived with our other friends in the past and never had any trouble then. It just seems to be a rough patch for him right now.
But here lately we've gotten better about talking about this stuff and trying to problem solve rather than just get upset about it. H says he gets angry because he's worried about BF so I get less upset because I understand I don't need to defend him, but just remind H that getting angry at BF isn't going to help him any.
I realize this might sound pretty problematic, but none of us know much about this. What I'm learning, I'm trying to figure out how to teach them. But I also feel like not a lot would have to change at least at the start anyway. We all do datelike things together even though we don't call it that. And BF is at our house several times a week. I've been less reserved about texting and talking to BF lately and H doesn't mind much anymore. He just wants to know what's going on. I know every poly relationship is different and I don't want to define the shape ours would potentially take. I just want to feel comfortable attempting to initiate and to continue to be more open with BF so that I don't have to shut myself off like I had to in the past. And I know we'll all be close either way, so I'm willing to take things slow and do it right, rather than rush and mess everything up.
Hope this clarifies a bit. I know it got long and I might've needed to post this in the relationship thread instead. But your questions really got me thinking about things and I thank you for asking. I'll try to sift through more golden nuggets along with the poly books I bought and am studying.
Sent from my Fire
