Hello :)

[Rie]

I am bad at titles. I never really know how to make them. But anyway.

This post should be about me (and my situation)... so here goes. I will go by Rie (which is an extremely shortened version of my name). I am 24 years old, Agender, Panromantic - Demisexual. I keep adding labels to myself. I am polyamorous or a polyamorist - if there really is a difference. I never had that deep, romantic connection with more than one person, I just always felt that if it would happen that I wouldn't mind. I live in the Philippines and it had been so lonely and difficult not having anyone to talk to about it. Only a number of my friends know (and I am very lucky that they have been accepting) but they were also the ones I live farthest to or had too many conflicting schedules to have regular talk time. I'm a clingy person, only because I'm really lonely, so I keep that clinginess to myself when I can help it. I should solve that... my loneliness. My prison is my home... which is a different story altogether.

ANYWAY. My partner (we've been together for nearly 5 years now) was a serial monogamist. He tends to be really closed to ideas that he didn't understood. And gosh. That moment when he found out. That was our worst. Then we talked about it. I gave him time to figure himself out until... well... he got himself a girlfriend. It was a horrible start to this. She's not very open to the idea of polyamory. I think it makes her really uncomfortable. The stigma against polyamory is strong here. Simply acknowledging that we're a queer couple (my partner is an FTM, also frowned upon here) is scary enough - this... is a different level.

I felt like I was suddenly thrown into a "seemingly poly" situation that I was kept out of. He told me before things got deep, which I did appreciate. They still feel guilty about cheating though - the having feelings and not telling me... but I still have a lot to figure out. I've never been in this place. And he's happy. GOD. He's happy with her. Sometimes I do feel left out. But then I look at that photo of them and just... I don't want those smiles to go away. I feel envious, and I feel guilty about that. And I really just want to get those negative feelings out. How do I start talking to them, of him, about this? Where do we start? What should we consider? How do discussions about boundaries go? How does is start? I feel like I'm asked to facilitate everything and I am just as lost.

Relatively, I know more than both of them about polyamory. I've been open to the idea, and have been following the stories of some triads, for much longer than they have. (He only realized when they had a spark or some sorts, she only found out when he told her). But this is still all very new. For the three of us. And I wish she and I could be friends but she's not comfortable and I don't want to force her. And this is messy. And I feel lonely. And if I do tell him that I feel lonely and that I still don't know how that feeling would go away he'd break it of and feed his guilt and I'm just really trying to minimize the damage. I hope that made sense.

We've got no one to talk to. There's no guidebook or textbook for this. There's no support system. No nothing. I am afraid.

This is why I am here.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Rie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There actually are a few "how-to" books on poly; one of the best ones is, "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You should get it and read it. If your partner and his girlfriend are willing to read it, that's even better.

I think I also want to recommend, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It will help you figure out what you want and what your boundaries are. This, too, would be a good book for your partner and his girlfriend to read as well.

It's good if the three of you can sit down and talk, but don't try to leap canyons at first. Just talk a little and tell them you are having some struggles but are trying to work on them. Don't go too much further than that, not at first. At least, that's my advice.

See how little conversations go, then report back here. I'll be following this thread so you can ping me here. I'll try to give you bits of advice as we go along. But get a hold of those two books, make that your first priority.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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