Hello

J

Jenn

New member
Hi my name is Jennifer. I'm new here. New to polyamory -- only ever been in monogamous relationship.

I have a straight boyfriend now who lives with me, who might be open to poly.

Need to learn more about it first.

Is it possible for three people to live together and share each other with no jealously and equal love for each other? I think I am capable of doing that myself.. but I might just be weird.

I'm bi and into women as well. Maybe I am just being selfish? I am sure my boyfriend wouldn't mind.

I'm confused. Thinking it might be highly unrealistic. I'm also trans (transitioned 10 years ago), so that complicates things.
 
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Greetings Jennifer,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in a V with two men (the legs of the V) and one woman (the hinge of the V). The men do not have a sexual relationship with each other but they are friends. That's one example of three people living together and sharing love with each other. I think you're leaning towards an MFF triad: one man and two women, where all three have romantic relationships with each other. It's definitely possible, but be careful, there are a lot of M/F couples out there who are looking for an additional female to "complete" them. It's a very popular model of poly at least among newcomers. My suggestion to you is to be open to whatever comes along, whether it be a man, a woman, a woman with an existing husband/boyfriend and/or kids ... and she may only be into one of you; you may have a V. That's not all bad.

I don't think you're being selfish. You're just new at this, and could use some input from fellow members. We're here to help.

I'm glad you could be here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Possible? Heck, yes. :) BTDT a few times.

If everyone involved is moderately sane, intelligent, & emotionally mature, it's possible to learn as you go. By that, I mean that mistakes will be made.

On the other hand, if you back into it, ever so cautiously, taking only incremental tiny steps, until after painstaking years you can proudly say you've got a Relationship... well, mistakes will be made. ;)

So, here's the secret: you learn to enjoy fixing stuff, putting the trolley back on the tracks, individually & as dyads & as a bunch.

You teach yourself/yourselves to get a thrill out of digging around in your own head & in your heart & finding the counterproductive stuff that's lurking there, & healing it or getting rid of it, in full confidence that the people closest to you support you & will hold you while you cry at the painful stuff & celebrate with you at every achievement.

You don't skip around difficult subjects -- you watch for them, you seek them out, you relish tackling them, because things go better once the dust has settled. (Eat That Frog!, by Brian Tracy)

(You'd be amazed how many great households break up because one partner simply CANNOT put the cap back on the toothpaste... :mad:)

And so long as you all can walk face-first into a potential sh!tstorm, with confidence you're there for each other, you'll probably find it ain't no big thing & that there's plenty of sunshine & flowers so long as you don't panic.

Oh, yeh -- welcome aboard. :D
 
Thanks for the advice.

I am just thinking my boyfriend might appreciate another woman as much as myself, because I am trans. I don't yet have surgery down there and want to get it. My boyfriend is looking forward to me getting it as well -- again he's straight (really opened minded type). I look and sound perfectly female otherwise.

I know my bf dated other women (and not trans woman) when we temporarily broke up a few years back. He definitely likes women. Which is a good thing.

I don't know if I am being too frank here. I'm sorry if I upset anyone. I should probably go read the rules.

Anyways, I know have a really good heart and I know I could love both equally. But again, it's probably fantasy land thinking lol.
 
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Hi.

You won't upset anyone here. Very brave of you to post so openly but you won't get any negative reactions here about being trans, bisexual or polyamorous. We're pretty open to most forms of consensual sex. I say most since I recently identified a few forms of consensual sex that many would still flinch at and discussed these in a thread called sodomy laws. I wonder if a person with your life experiences would have anything to add to that topic, if you'd like to take a look at it?

Welcome to the forums,
Shaya.

Addit: you will find that polyamory forces us to question societal taboos, especially sexual taboos. Once you identify with polyamory and have broken free of societal rules that don't suit your optimal relationship style, you become more accepting of others who are also struggling with societal rules that don't fit them. For this reason (and perhaps other reasons too), I personally feel that there are proportionately more lesbians, gays, queer and trans folk involved in polyamory. Also proportionately more non mainstream religions, and proportionately more intelligent conversationalists. ;)
 
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Jenn said:
I am just thinking my boyfriend might appreciate another woman as much as myself.
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IME, you may be over-thinking it. I mean, a loving gesture for you to consider this... but just as easily mayn't he be perfectly happy with just you?

Speaking only for myself, I'm attracted to whoever I'm attracted to. It's humbling to be trusted with the details, but I'm not attracted to someone's plumbing. :)
 
Yeah I'm the same way. Plumbing not an issue for me :) Attracted to the person. Yeah I am really pansexual.

But yeah it was my idea, not his, about the idea of a mutual girlfriend. He seems to be plenty happy with me. I am happy with him as well. Perhaps I shouldn't bother with this idea of a girlfriend. It's hard enough just managing a relationship between two people.

Trying to communicate more with my boyfriend, he doesn't communicate well (closed up) and seems to be very insensitive at times. He also needs to work on his foreplay as I really need that before his does his business. It's pretty huge to me as, I am loaded with estrogen, and I feel all the things any other woman feels with respect to foreplay. I know other women know what this feels like and would know how to work me, and vice versa. Can't get that thought out of my mind. lol. Really I just need to work on this with my boyfriend more. Wish he could feel what I feel. All it takes it kissing me in the neck in the right spot, etc..
 
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Jenn said:
Thanks for the advice.

I am just thinking my boyfriend might appreciate another woman as much as myself, because I am trans. I don't yet have surgery down there and want to get it. My boyfriend is looking forward to me getting it as well -- again he's straight (really opened minded type). I look and sound perfectly female otherwise.

I know my bf dated other women (and not trans woman) when we temporarily broke up a few years back. He definitely likes women. Which is a good thing.

I don't know if I am being too frank here. I'm sorry if I upset anyone. I should probably go read the rules.

Anyways, I know have a really good heart and I know I could love both equally. But again, it's probably fantasy land thinking lol.
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Well if he didn't like women he wouldn't be with you, would he?

I think it's cool that you would think of this...but I think you should question WHY you are thinking of this. You should be thinking of this because it's a lifestyle you want, not because you think he might not be completely satisfied with a trans woman.

But yeah, it's possible. However, single bi women are probably the most sought after people in non-monogamy world, hence the name "unicorn".

And being frank is totally encouraged here, so thank you for being frank.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Well if he didn't like women he wouldn't be with you, would he?
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Yes.

vinsanity0 said:
I think it's cool that you would think of this...but I think you should question WHY you are thinking of this. You should be thinking of this because it's a lifestyle you want, not because you think he might not be completely satisfied with a trans woman.
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I think he's satisfied with me, I think it's more for me than him. Again, I'm starting to think I'm selfish. I was just thinking it'd be a bonus if he could also have a vagina now (while my surgery is temporarily on hold), since I know he likes them, as well as myself.

He thinks it would definitely be a turn on but feels as though a triad would never work out in the long run. Both he and I don't go for the casual sex thing, so swinging is out. We both have to have an emotional connection.

vinsanity0 said:
But yeah, it's possible. However, single bi women are probably the most sought after people in non-monogamy world, hence the name "unicorn".

And being frank is totally encouraged here, so thank you for being frank.
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Thanks. I think only another woman (trans or not) would be the only thing that would work for us since we both desire another woman, in a romantic triad, not a guy. He's straight and well he's all the guy I desire. I also think a V just wouldn't work for us. Like if I was the V, I'd feel selfish, and would want to share her with him. If he was the V, I'd probably get jealous, and want the attention as well. If she was the V, then that'd work perfect because it'd be a triangle in reality.

Starting to give up on the idea of this. Probably unrealistic.
 
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I would say, not necessarily unrealistic, just, it will take some patience.
 
Hi Jenn

While I agree in principle with the logic you presented, I suspect the reality may not be quite so well balanced. For example, what if it starts as a beautiful love between all 3 of you, a triad, then she starts loving your boyfriend less or your boyfriend starts loving her less, or your boyfriend starts loving another person and she interprets this as loving her less. The situation tends to gravitate towards a V, or dissolves. Triads, I think, can be beautiful things while they last but seem to also offer more opportunities for relationship instability. In this human world we live in where the majority of relationships don't work, triads lastig 5 or 10 years are truly rare. Jsut a thought.

Lots of examples of triads on this forum. Use the search function to find them if you haven't already. Good luck!
 
Yeah my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. And we had our rough patches. I think I'll just keep it as is.

I don't want to ruin something that's working. So far we are of like mind that it's pretty indefinite, our relationship. We are really comfortable with each other.
 
Just out of curiosity, since there is so much competition between MF couples looking for a MFF triad, maybe it would be a good idea for some of them to consider just getting together for something like a MFFM romantic quad, where perhaps everyone is romantically involved with each other except for the two males -- unless they of course wanted to be as well.
 
That might make sense, but poly as portrayed in most mainstream media is all about one guy with two hot bi babes, none of whom have any outside relationships. The FMF polyfi triad is all that some people can envisage when they think "poly", so the idea of pursuing anything else doesn't occur to them. People also have strange ideas about avoiding jealousy if they have one "shared" partner who will love them equally, etc.
 
There's a few MFFM stories in the blogs section. Some of Icesong's earlier stories comes to mind at the moment, but I'm sure there's more.
 
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