Hi, very quick intro. I'm here to get other perspectives on poly in general, my fiance is poly (definitely not my choice) and I'm mono leaning but possibly open to multiple relationships in the future, if I can even continue to deal with him being poly.
I live in the UK and I'm a mother, my fiance is their father.
Greetings Bunny89,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
You might find Poly Relationships Corner and General Poly Discussions to be helpful, lots of poly perspectives on those two boards. Also don't hesitate to post any questions/concerns you may have. If we know what troubles you about your fiancé being poly, we might be able to help. In any case, I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
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Hi Bunny89 and welcome to the Forum! We do have a good number of experienced poly folks that participate here on the forum - so hopefully you will be able to find some perspectives that make sense to you - most folks here are generally friendly and helpful with lots of good advice and information. In addition to posting your questions and thoughts in the sections that Kevin referenced, you may also benefit from reading some of the blogs in that section as well to gain some perspective as well.
Coming to embrace poly from an ingrained mono mindset is indeed a challenging task that - for most monogamists - requires a very significant effort. This is the same task that I undertook just over a year ago - and it can be done, if you believe it is something you are willing to embrace (my story is in the signature link below).
On the bright side, if you do choose to embrace poly, the girls almost always have a much easier time finding partners. As FallenAngelina has put it - married poly women are like catnip to men, but conversely most women will avoid married poly men like the plague.
Best of luck on your relationship journey - wherever it may take you. Al
Thanks for the welcomes I've actually read most of the blogs, I just prefer conversation when, to put it simply, working out my shit.
He's been poly for going on 6 years now, we've been together 11. It started out easy but has gotten harder over the years and I'm trying to work out where my head is at.
How did it all start if you don't mind me asking? The part about it not being your choice stuck out to me and it seems like it happened around the time you've been together for five years?
Are you doing ok? I don't want to be nosy but if you need to vent I'd listen.
It started when I I found out he was...chatting...to girls online 8 years ago. I'd just had a baby and everything went to hell for a while. We a shelved any discussion on it after 6 months of arguing. Then my mum got sick, the arguing stopped for a bit. It resurfaced after he cheated with a chick that was supposed to be my friend. Cue another year of arguing and I suppose I got tired of it. I was the one that brought up poly actually, told him to go read, especially the groups on fetlife, and we'd talk when he knew what he wanted. I accepted everything for a while, and I get the idea of poly. It seems perfect, not having to limit yourself, but the reality for me is I'm not wired that way. I had a sort of girlfriend for a bit, but while she was amazing and I really cared about her, it wasn't going to be anything serious.
We now have 4 children, a home and a life and I'm struggling. I'm really torn between working on everything more or blowing it all up and really hurting us both in the process, not to mention our kids.
Besides the initial cheating, what is it about your particular situation that you find hard to deal with? Or put another way, why do you think your fiancé being poly is getting more difficult for you to deal with rather than easier over the years?
Do you feel jealous of your partner's OSOs or "not enough" him emotionally and/or sexually? (i.e. often markers of low self esteem or insecurity, which would be understandable given this started as a "cheating" scenario.) Or is it a matter of fearing he might leave you (and your four children) for someone else? (A fear based more in financial worries and future stability, concern for your kids' wellbeing and feeling short-changed when it comes to your partner's ability to allocate his time, help out around the house etc.)
I must add, it's perfectly normal to not be "wired that way" and to still have a monogamous mindset, even after you've done all the reading and though you may intellectually understand polyamory. There are a number of successful mono/poly relationships out there, so if you don't feel like you want or need additional relationships for yourself, there is no obligation to go there, as long as you are at peace with your partner's polyamorous inclinations - which it seems you are not right now.
At risk of stating the obvious, I'd hold off on marrying your fiancé until you've figured all this out one way or another.
Hi lunabunny,
My self esteem has taken a massive hit over the years and at the risk of sounding a bit pathetic, I don't really like myself anyway, but after lots of thought I don't think that's it. I've always seen those issues as mine and nothing to do with him.
I'm not scared he'll leave me, what I'm worried about most is he's with me for the wrong reasons and scared of leaving because of the boys/starting again.
As for OSOs, it's more envy than jealousy. I don't want all of him, I want what he has with them. In a rather childish way, I'm the one that supported him through uni, stays at home with our children whilst he pursues the career he wants and I've had to make a lot of sacrifices over the years. I don't regret doing that, sometimes adulting sucks but it needs doing, and I'm mostly happy if he's happy. But a lot of resentment has built up over the fact I'm right here, but he's looking out there a lot more than he's looking at me.
While we are engaged, we've put everything on hold until we sort us out, though I'm not sure I can get married. I don't feel like it's a good path to take with someone that is poly, because as much as I'm not poly myself, I can put myself in those shoes and I figure if he gets really serious with someone and he's already married to me it automatically puts me first, if only legally.
TL;DR A lot of messy thoughts that won't go away. Trying counselling and talking to poly people.
I noticed that even though you're not married, you've made many sacrifices for this relationship that are like those of a spouse. Can I ask, does he appreciate those sacrifices? It sounds like his eye is always cast elsewhere, away from you, and maybe he is being somewhat unfair toward you. He's getting caught up in NRE with his new girlfriends. That's not a good way for him to conduct polyamory. In fact unless you consent, it's not polyamory at all.
What kind of a father is he? You said that you had four kids.
No he doesn't really appreciate it. If we talk about it, he'll say he understands, but then everything goes back to 'normal'.
He's a fantastic father. A bit soft sometimes maybe. He spends all the time he can with them, has activities he does with them every week, doesn't have a problem taking the 2 year old to baby groups ect. He'd rather sit and build Lego with them than do his own thing. He's never so much as missed a school concert.
Well, then, that makes it a difficult decision. He appreciates the kids, but he doesn't appreciate *you.* You will be making a sacrifice for the kids if you marry him. It sounds like he can pay you lip service, but he can't walk away from his interest in other women.
Was the cheating every actually dealt with? As in did he take responsibility for his actions and was anything done to help you heal from it?
Or did he just cheat a few times and then you agreed to polyamory and maybe you both thought the betrayal would just go away like it never happened?
Because unfortunately it usually doesn't. You've said you don't like yourself right now. This happens a lot when people deal with a betrayal like this and just ignore it and try to move past it. You have to deal with it.
Counseling is a really good idea right now. Not just for you as a couple but for you solo as well so that hopefully you can start liking yourself again. Whatever happens between you and him, you're always going to have a relationship with yourself. Take care of that. Nurture yourself as I'm sure you do your children. You matter too.
I am sorry you're having a hard time and hope it gets better for you.
I've actually read most of the blogs, I just prefer conversation when, to put it simply, working out my shit.