Help/Advice

B

browniris

New member
Feeling very alone right now.

A little back ground history… I have been “involved” with a couple off and on for the past two years. Although we were all friends - He, his wife, my husband – at the time - and me… Through a series of events, he and I found that we had an attraction to each other… a major attraction might I add. But being from the south and being married (and him being married too) I felt guilt and I know he did too. Anyway… after the demise of my marriage… the three of us (he, his wife, and I) ended up in a circle ( a triad) of sorts – which even though I had no idea at the time- felt more exciting/comfortable to me than just he and I being together… We - all three of us - even got matching tattoos.. They literally pulled me through my divorce and were ruly there for m no matter what. Talking about two best friends?? But…

To make this story very very short-cause I could go on for days… Recently he and I ended up trying to have a relationship on our own… She and I are not really even on speaking terms right now (although I still love her as much as the first day we were together) due to a bunch and I mean a BUNCH of different reasons. But after about a month of us (he and I) “attempting” to have a separate relationship he e-mailed both she and I today to say that he can’t do the separate thing that he wanted the three of us together.. or they - would move forward. And to be truthful.. I understand where he is coming from.. but it still hurts. All I need to know right now is how you get through this ( not over - cause I truly will never just get over it) but through? I truly feel like I belong with them but cannot for the life of me figure out how to explain that to them.

And fyi… there is obviously SO much more to this story but didn’t want to/couldn't write a book tonight – just would like some advice for a “newbie” (first poly relationship.) on how to move on after two people opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking??
 
Without knowing the back story, this may be inappropriate, but if he wants you to be three, and you want to be three, and being three worked in the past, why don't you all go on as three?
 
She and the wife are not on speaking terms, not sure how the OP is meant to have a relationship with someone she is not talking to?

Also, he gave her an ultimatum, the triad or sod off...why on earth SHOULD she give in to that?
 
Successful people in a triad understand that in a group of 3, there will be more than one relationship. There will be, in a FMF group:

Woman A and Woman B
Woman A and Man
Woman B and Man
Woman A, Woman B and Man

Trying to prevent interaction one on one between any of the 2 people is useless and detrimental. Many couples who get a gf to "share," however, do attempt to enforce this rule. This couple can have one on one time, oh yes, of course! But the new woman having one on one with the man is seen as a threat. Sometimes even the new woman having one on one time with the other woman is also forbidden. But usually the "girls" can hang out, talk, cook together, go shopping... it's cute when 2 girls are sexy together!:mad:

If you're giving up on this unequal set up, I do not blame you one bit. The advice to "get through it?" Learn from it, understand that any triad that prevents one on one bonding time between any 2 players is probably doomed. If you still want to be poly, consider dating people separately, not as a unit. Don't date established couples. Date a woman, date a man, date another man, whoever you want. Don't settle for being a shared pet for a couple!
 
Natja said:
She and the wife are not on speaking terms, not sure how the OP is meant to have a relationship with someone she is not talking to?

Also, he gave her an ultimatum, the triad or sod off...why on earth SHOULD she give in to that?
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Yes, I got that they are not speaking now. But the OP also stated that once it all worked very well. What changed?
 
bookbug said:
Yes, I got that they are not speaking now. But the OP also stated that once it all worked very well. What changed?
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due to a bunch and I mean a BUNCH of different reasons.
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The OP said.

What ever happened the OP appears to still love her ex but for whatever reason perhaps she was dumped, or the Wife did not really enjoy the sexual aspect, there are plenty of reasons which would make it impossible for a triad to continue, they no longer have a relationship for many different reasons, the OP moved on and wanted a relationship with the man alone as was the original configuration but now...boohoo a Vee is too hard for him, or maybe he misses HAWT 3some sex, whatever he said he only wants the triad or the OP gets dumped and they will move on, perhaps find just another Unicorn from the Unicorn tree that so many couples think exists online. That to me is Assholism 101, I would not be suggesting to the OP that she should give him what he wants. Let him eat cake I say!
 
Natja said:
The OP said.

What ever happened the OP appears to still love her ex but for whatever reason perhaps she was dumped, or the Wife did not really enjoy the sexual aspect, there are plenty of reasons which would make it impossible for a triad to continue, they no longer have a relationship for many different reasons, the OP moved on and wanted a relationship with the man alone as was the original configuration but now...boohoo a Vee is too hard for him, or maybe he misses HAWT 3some sex, whatever he said he only wants the triad or the OP gets dumped and they will move on, perhaps find just another Unicorn from the Unicorn tree that so many couples think exists online. That to me is Assholism 101, I would not be suggesting to the OP that she should give him what he wants. Let him eat cake I say!
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I apologize. I wasn't clear. I was asking the OP to clarify those facts as a preferable alternative to us all guessing.
 
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It seems then that there are two scenarious:
1) You and the women getting on speaking terms, perhaps even end up in bed, all three of you live a happy triad ever after OR
2) Man continuing with just the wife and you will be on your way

And nr. 1 seems dependant on you enabling her to speak to you again. Will be your chance, but could be a bad start to a worse relationship.

About nr. 2 If he was really poly, he would not have been able to choose between the two of you. First he chose you, then his wife (+possably you, if wife should turn around). He seems unable to deliver. What to do? Let them go. Life is a mystery filled with beautiful people that are less menal work then they are.
 
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bookbug said:
I apologize. I wasn't clear. I was asking the OP to clarify those facts as a preferable alternative to us all guessing.
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Ah yes, I see. Maybe it's too personal? :confused: It would be good to know
but just going on the evidence presented she should run away very fast and feel happy that she valued herself well enough not to put up with those toxic entitled attitudes.
 
I am sorry I haven't been on here lately to clarify. I will! It has been a crazy week. I do however really do appreciate all of you responses and will respond and give more background soon.
 
I am the man in the middle of this story. There is so much more to the story. The relationship between the two women never developed like they both said they wanted it to. I encouraged the two of them to go away together develop it. Only once did they take me up on it. No open affection between them. It always put me in am very uncomfortable situation.

I know they had love for each other, they have both confided in me about it. We tried the separate dating thing, we are both very poly. I have been out on several dates and H my wife has been away for a weekend with a guy she was dating.

Brown iris has not actually dated anyone else since we were all together. So there are questions about the depth of her commitment to a poly lifestyle. Actually what I have said is that for me with my career and our kids a family style dynamic is necessary for me to feel comfortable. So I asked them both to learn to get along for me and my relationship with brown iris and the stability of my marriage with H.

The drama was getting to be daily, I outlined the causes of the drama in the e-mail, they covered many issues that needed to be addressed, some by each of them. They range from substance abuse, depression, selfish behavior and jealousy issues, along with a lack of growth through study of books and things such as this forum.

So that was the ultimatum, make some positive changes, you two learn to be friends and get along. If you two are not physically together I don't care but I can't be in the middle of the war.
 
Ah interesting, as usual there is always more than one side to a story...I take back my accusation of Assholism that was unfair of me.

Ok, well, I can see why you would want a 'family' style dynamic if you are pressed for time to be away from home, but sometimes that just isn't possible. Trying to fit a square poly peg into a round hole so to speak.

Forcing two people who obviously do not get along, into a family style dynamic because it is more comfortable for you, is not being fair to your partners who are creating drama.

Keep the women separate and if they are truly adult instead of petulant children you should be able to negotiate some time away from home without H creating drama and maybe BrownIris will have to deal with seeing you a bit less because you also need to spend some time with your children?

Why isn't this a possibility?

Natja

PS if substance abuse is a problem with anyone, that needs to be fixed, Poly does not fix that so....well, get them some help, they don't need an additional lover, they just need self love and tough love to deal with their demons.
 
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Agree with Natja. Although I know some spouses can make it extremely hard for a person to have any sort of life away from the family home.
 
H did freely grant me time with BI it just doesn't work well for me. Seeing her every Monday is just not working for me. After two years of everyday almost the three of us together, traveling, cooking and hanging out almost daily to a once a week separate relationship caused me to feel disconnected from bi without the additional time in the group setting. Also it caused me to take time away from H. I love them both, I have maintained that mantra throughout and it remains true today. There have been times where it would have served me better to deny one or the level of commitment or love for one to the other but I have stayed true to the feeling.

So I stated that I want us to all be able to spend time together, that will allow me to give more alone time with both of them. I just need the most of the time to be me, h , bi, all of our kids, there are 4 girls who think of themselves as sisters and a few good friends who all tend to end up at H and I''s house on an almost nightly basis, without H and BI learning to co exist it completely interrupts lots of lives.

H tried to talk it BI last week for my benefit. BI has a problem with communicating her feelings. From all reports bi was not very participative or positive in looking for a solution. This has always been a pattern. H after the conversation went nowhere left and said to bi the ball was in her court to continue working on co-existing, being friends, or growing back into a better loving relationship, but only after some changes were made. A week passed with no continuation of the conversation, no reaching out from bi, so I sent the e-mail which said to bi either learn to co-exist, be friends or fix the two of you or it's over with bi I just can't do this separate life because I don't enjoy that type relationship.
 
Ah well, I appreciate the desire for a particular relationship type, I am not into the Primary/Secondary model either, but a family form of Poly only works if all parties wish to get along and be respectful to one another, if you do not have that than it is not a functional relationship and it makes sense that it should end.

Some relationships are not meant to last alas.
 
So, there's a wife, a gf, several kids, 4 platonic (?) female friends, people all coming together and hanging out almost every night?

And this has been going on for 2 years, rather happily, but now, for some unexplained reason, Brown Iris no longer gets along with wife, and wishes to cut back on shared family time. What happened to their relationship?

OR does BI just not like this big togetherness aspect anymore?

So, is there an actual personality clash, or is it the "family style" arrangement that no longer works for her?
 
The girls are the children. BI won't really express what she wants nor act on those desires when she tells me. That has been a huge problem with the relationship between the two often. H says she doesn't want to be around the drama BI brings. BI won't admit to the issues which bring the drama and work on them. Both are strong willed and independent. I've tried literally everything I can think of. The book is in progress and sure to be a best seller.
 
Could it be that BI just wants to have alone time with you to work on your relationship so she feels valved by you?
Family time is great once in a while but being in a realtionship means having time together alone without others around.
If being together alone one night a week is to hard for you to do, I have to ask why that is if it is something she needs right now to get past all this.You have that with your wife and maybe BI feels the need for that too.
Maybe if she feels better about her relationship with you she might be able and willing to work on her relationship with your wife.
 
OK, so there are 4 "step" sisters, plus "a few" adult friends (of both genders I am guessing?) and your wife, and you, and her, every night. If "a few" adult friends could be 3-7, let's say 5. 12 people! That sounds exhausting.

Where is this "drama" she brings? Wanting some peace and quiet, a little alone time out with her man, is that the drama? Or is there something else?

I am sorry you feel she can't express her needs.
 
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