HELP!!Feeling insecure, dont want to ruin my relationship.

[FinnishRah]

Help! I have been open to poly relationships before, but I have always been the one more active outside of my primary relationship. Now the tables have turned, my primary partner of 8 months and I are in a partnership. He likes more space then I do, and we both work a lot. He also is interested in relationships with others. I on the other hand am not interested in anyone but him, it seems that anyone who I try to see just seems lack luster.


so for the last 6 months I have been monogamous by choice. Not expecting him to be. But it is starting to frustrate me that I cant find anyone who interests me at all, and he can. Now my brain is creeping in the ideas of him leaving me for someone else because everyone else is so much better than I. I have expressed these feelings, and he has reassured me that is untrue. Is our relationship perfect? No. Are we working at it? yes.

I have noticed an increase in my drinking, because when i'm at my home alone, with nothing to keep me busy I get really insecure, and really sad. I'm not sure how to handle all this. It is a new set of feelings for me.

has anyone else experienced this?! Help!?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

To me feelings ensue after behaviors. I am going to take the liberty of rearranging your post. See if it helps you to read it that way.

Here's the behaviors:

• 
  When i'm at my home alone, with nothing to keep me busy... I do these things:
  
  • Now my brain is creeping in the ideas of him leaving me for someone else because everyone else is so much better than I. (thinking behavior)
    
  • I have noticed an increase in my drinking (action behavior)

Here is the feeling that results:

• insecure, and really sad

What do you have to keep you busy at home other than drinking? Hobbies? Friends?

BF has reassured you:

I have expressed these feelings, and he has reassured me that is untrue.

Are you able to reassure yourself? Rather than tearing yourself down?

Because you seem to be telling yourself you stink and how you are not good enough, just because the dating market in your area stinks. The SITUATION stinks, not you. Those people you date might be jerks or might be decent people that just are not on your wavelength.

That isn't your fault. So beating yourself up about it because a situation stinks makes no sense. It's a bummer, sure. But thinking you stink because you have a bummer situation? That is taking it personally, to your own detriment.

Are you able to see that (dating situation stinks) does not equal (I stink)? If you can, then you can catch yourself when you do that and maintain perspective rather than go on to self abuse/down talk stuff.

Galagirl

 

[Emmaleigh6692]

I would have a difficult time with the situation you've described. One of the main reasons why my husband and I are mono/poly at the moment(he is mono, I'm poly) is because if he were to have a relationship outside of us it would result in me being neglected. He works long hours and we barely get enough time together as it is most days. You mention that your partner has reassured you, but has that just been verbal or with actions as well? If you both work and he likes his space, maybe you feel like you don't get enough of his time. And while I understand his need for space if that is causing you to feel neglected then maybe he should compromise a bit.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi FinnishRah,

Re (from OP):

"It is starting to frustrate me that I can't find anyone who interests me at all, and he can."

Whoa, usually when we hear that it is the man who can't find anyone, and the woman who can. [shrug] But enough interjections from me, let's work on your predicament.

Have you used OKCupid? other poly-friendly dating sites? Have you searched for a local poly group in your area? ventured into places/activities where people are likely to be open-minded about poly? just gotten out there in general (any group that pursues a hobby you're interested in)?

I can provide you with web links to help you do many of those things. Just wanted to find out what bases were already covered first. Let's start there and see where we can go from there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

....I on the other hand am not interested in anyone but him, it seems that anyone who I try to see just seems lack luster.

Sounds like you're solidly monogamous right now. Just because you were open to poly in the past doesn't mean you always have to be. Many people are mono themselves and involved with poly people. (I'm talking about poly as a relationship choice, not "wired" for poly.) There's an active Yahoo group for mono partners just loaded with thoughtful, heartfelt, helpful posts from mono people with poly partners. I subscribe to the daily digest, which is always a rewarding read:

Poly/Mono Yahoo Group

Now my brain is creeping in the ideas of him leaving me for someone else because everyone else is so much better than I. I have expressed these feelings, and he has reassured me that is untrue.

The long term solution here is not to seek reassurance of your desirability in another partner, nor to look to your current partner to shore you up. Looking to other people is so tempting because they are "there" and because that's what everyone else seems to be doing, but you can feel deep down that neither of these options can give you the constant access to well being that you need. Seeking reassurance of your lovability and desirability from others is a strategy built on shifting sands and you're rightly feeling how very unsettling that can be. This time can be a opportunity for you to change your source of well being and not only will your main relationship be transformed, but your general experience of life will greatly improve as well.

 

[LoveBunny]

I don't have a partner who is actively dating, so I'm not struggling with jealousy like you, but I can relate to the envy you feel watching someone else find lots of people when you're not feeling the spark with anyone.

Seems like when I first came out a couple of years ago, I easily found quality partners. But none were keepers long-term, and now, I fear I may have burned through my very limited dating pool. It's been several months since I've even kissed anyone (except my part-time husband.) I see my friends, some gay, some straight, some poly, jumping easily from relationship to the next, and they seem to find partners with more ease than I. Then, I question my own lovability and desirability, I ruminate on the times when I was really into someone, but they weren't so into me (overlooking all the times someone was totally into me and I rejected them.)

Envy isn't logical. It makes think we need more to be happy than what we already have. But if I talk back to my envy, I look at the people my friends are dating, and I wouldn't want any of 'em for myself. So what am I envious of? Well, I'm a bit envious of some people's ability to find something attractive in most anyone. I'm envious of my friends who are monogamous and straight, since they have a bigger dating pool. I'm envious of people who are satisfied with casual flings, because they're easy to come by. Lastly, I'm envious of people who seem to take the bumps and bruises of broken relationships easily, and move on to the next. But that's not who I am.

Comparing oneself to other people is a sure recipe for unhappiness. Envy makes us see the glass half empty. When I'm in the grips of it, I try to remind myself of what I already have instead of focusing on what others have, and it helps me out of the pain and frustration.