Hello, I am new to Poly and to posting on forums. My husband and I just entered into a POLY relationship with my friend. It all started as a drunk night that ended up with all of us having a lot of fun. It was the best experience I have ever had. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and have 3 children together. I have always had a desire for women but she was my firt experience and I was hers. This is the problem I am having. I think she is only into me when she is drinking. We are drinking together she is very lovable affectionate, hold my hands kisses me. However, we aren't we are just the same best friends we have always been. Maybe she needs time? its been about 3 months. I love her very much but I did before. We share my husband. He stays at her house twice a week and with me the rest of the work week and on the weekends we are always all 3 together. She has mentioned getting a house together but she is so worried about what her family will think, or the kids, or her friends. Sometimes I feel like we are wasting our time because we want forever and she is too concerned of everyone disowning her. Anyone else been in this type of situation before?
For starters, stop being so dismissive of her feelings--that can't make her feel good. Next, understand that her concerns are valid and realistic:
-I her family and friends are not accepting, and she moves in with you, what support system does she have left if things go poorly? You and your husband have each other, and all of society's support. Also, while you may not care what people think, I've been the "third," and it an be pretty daunting to be called "the other woman," "homewrecker," "slut," etc.
-You and your husband have all the legal protections of marriage, whereas she has none. These are hugely wide-ranging and broad, from health insurance to Power of Attorney in case of illness or incapacitation,, to monetary support in case of a break up, etc. You sound like you do not want her to see anyone else, so she has to accept that none of the societal protections of marriage can be hers, ever, while you and he get to indulge in all of them.
What does she want for her future? Does she want kids? would that be okay, how would parenting go, etc. There's a lot for her to be nervous about.
-Have you talked about what happens when the NRE (New Relationship Energy) wears off? What happens is she becomes interested only in one of you? Does she lose you both? Or, if one of you loses interest in her, does the other spouse have to break things off with her? That's a huge risk, and what happens a large percentage of the time (Do a search on "triad" here, and you'll learn a lot).
-You've been together 3 months, why in the world are you even talking aout moving in together? That is far, far too soon. Most couples wait at least 6-12 months, or longer, and it's no different with poly.
I know you weren't "hunting" for a third person, so some of this won't apply, but this article has a really good viewpoint about triad (equal three-person relationships) that might give you some ideas of what she might be feeling, and some pitfalls to avoid.
So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter.
Triads can work, but they're challenging. Communication is key.
If you want "forever" I think you could invest some time building toward that.