HELP- Jealousy in new relationship

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StacyDLR

New member
I'm a married woman (32) with 2 kids. Me and my husband have been poly for around a year and a half. He's found many people who've emotionally connected with but I struggled finding someone whom I cared about who was equally open to establishing an emotional connection.

I had started dating someone I really liked last summer. Out of all the people I dated I felt the strongest connection to him. Like I'd known him all my life. He was struggling with addiction at the time so our thing remained casual for months. He says I inspired him to get clean again so once he stopped using he really opened up to me. We finally told each other we love each other and he decided to make me his "girlfriend" or primary partner. We had apprehensions and wanted to be careful. It seemed like him being with a married woman would be better for him as he wouldn't have as many responsibilities to me as he worked through recovery.

Two weeks after making our relationship "official" he hooked up with a new friend. A much younger girl (22 and he's 34). Initially he told me I'm his main person and she's just a girl he's dating. He would tell me not to worry about her. That he feels more deeply for me. He would tell me all these things he liked about me more and that she has a lot of issues that would keep him from getting deeply involved with her. But it seemed like things moved really fast with them. They were spending more and more time together (which would hurt me because my family life makes it harder to see him as often as I would like). And he started referring to her as his gf (also upset me because it meant so much that he finally started calling me that). Then I finally ask him what's going on with them and he says she's definitely developing deeper feelings for him.

The thing that pushed me over the edge is I asked him if they've said they love each other and he reluctantly told me yes but it's not the same as us. I want to be happy for him. I know I should be but the speed at which they moved and her age but the hell out of me. It's driving me crazy. Everyone expects as a married woman that I shouldn't care what he does. This is the first time I can say I've been in mutual love with someone since falling for my husband. It hurts that we took so much time and care to get to the place we're at now (and I know there was good reason as he was using) but i don't understand why they're relationship is moving so quickly. I feel like it has a lot to do with her age. I feel judgy and jealous and it's reeking havoc on my emotional state.

I just feel like if we had more time to establish our thing I coulda felt better about it. He didn't at any point try to slow things down with her even as I struggled with it.

I don't know I just need outside perspective from people that are poly.
 
I think I know now that I need a partner to be focused on establishing our relationship before starting another. I just don't know what to do about this situation. I'm lean jealous when I first fall for someone. I met this girl twice very briefly. I know he's told me that she's struggled with jealousy and possessiveness on her end (my reaction is that she has no place as I've known him longer and what I have with him has grown over time) which makes me feel less good about it all.

I feel like it doesn't make sense to start 2 relationships at the same time. Am I crazy to ask that. He said there's nothing that can be done. Like he had no control over the situation and it just "happened."
 
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The general theme of your post(s) is very clearly "competition". You are comparing your relationship to theirs, worrying about whether or not you are on top, worrying about whether or not you are more important... yadda yadda yadda. Taking a "tit for tat" approach to relating to other people is not going to help you flourish in a multi-relationship type configuration. If you intend to continue down this whole polyamory road, I strongly suggest you take a look at this.

Very likely it springs from insecurity. What are you insecure about? Is it related to this man or is it an internal function?

StacyDLR said:
Two weeks after making our relationship "official" he hooked up with a new friend. A much younger girl (22 and he's 34).
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Cool. Hopefully it'll be a healthy and positive influence on his life.

Have you considered being happy for him?

StacyDLR said:
but i don't understand why they're relationship is moving so quickly. I feel like it has a lot to do with her age. I feel judgy and jealous and it's reeking havoc on my emotional state.
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They are different people, coming together in a different context, it would be really strange if their association developed the same as yours with him. Right?

It is profoundly unlikely that it has anything to do with you.
 
Hi StacyDLR,

Jealousy often stems from fear, and that may be what you are experiencing. Are you afraid? If so, what scares you? What's the worst thing that could happen here? How would you cope if it did happen?

It's my impression that you and your boyfriend have differing ideas about what's alright in a relationship. He thinks it's okay to develop two relationships at the same time, you feel that one relationship should be developed/established before the second relationship begins. I don't know how to convince him to see things your way and even if he did, he's already in a relationship with this other girl so the barn door is open and the horses have already gotten out. I think that now you have to decide if you want to keep seeing him under these circumstances.

I hope the two of you can work something out together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
StacyDLR said:
I feel like it doesn't make sense to start 2 relationships at the same time. Am I crazy to ask that. He said there's nothing that can be done. Like he had no control over the situation and it just "happened."
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If it is your intention to make a rule about a temporary exclusivity agreement when you start a new association, I suggest two things:

1. Take a close look at why you feel like this is something you need.
2. Express this expectation (and any other expectations you might have) early and clearly.​

My personal opinion? I don't think it's "crazy", but it would be a hard stop for me (a huge waving red flag). I am polyamorous, independent, and comfortable in my skin - I don't do exclusivity agreements and would not consider one. For me, that's a bandaid for a problem that should actually be worked on.
 
I guess it was just very soon after I opened up my heart to him. He says the same thing. That their relationship has nothing to do with me. I'm just at an impasse because all the logic in the world isn't making me feel any better. I just feel very disappointed in myself and this has drudged up a lot of insecurities.
 
Marcus said:
My personal opinion? I don't think it's "crazy", but it would be a hard stop for me (a huge waving red flag). I am polyamorous, independent, and comfortable in my skin - I don't do exclusivity agreements and would not consider one. For me, that's a bandaid for a problem that should actually be worked on.
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It's not that I would have a problem with him having a casual thing with someone right now. But yeah you're right. It's made me seriously consider whether I'm capable of being in this type of arrangement at the moment.

I really want to talk to him about it and just know, without him worrying about hurting me, exactly where both things stand and what he wants and what I want.
 
Sounds like you need to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with him.
 
I'm thinking I should just meet/hang-out with her. I met her very briefly twice. But I think I should get to know her.
 
Hi Stacey,

Marcus and kdt are offering great advice here. I wanted to pitch in a little to say that your boyfriend's need for a younger woman has more to do with his insecurities than you as a person. You mentioned that he made your approval of him a large motive to recover from addiction. Without pretending to be a psychologist, it seems to me from the limited information you had in your opening post, that he may at heart be an insecure person whose sense of self-worth is based on what others perceive him as.

I'm similar myself and am working on it.

When someone that much younger comes along and adores him, an insecure person (like myself) may latch on and drink those feelings up. A healthier alternative that I'm working towards is to place my sense of self worth and self esteem on myself, so that I'm confident in what I do irregardless of what others think of me.

My logic is all over the place, but what I'm trying to point out is that it may be that the same characteristic that drew him to you and allowed him to pull himself out of addiction may be drawing him to this younger girl.

If you feel that this may be true, then this whole thing about starting 2 new relationships in such a short period has more to do with him than it has to do with any so-called flaws or insecurities in you.

I'm no psychologist, and may be reading too much of myself into your situation, so take what I say with a grain of salt please, and I hope it is at least a little helpful.

Good luck!
 
Shaya,

Thank you so much for your post. I think the others were right but I have felt like there's more at play in this particular situation. I do, most def, have my own insecurities to grapple with but have wondered why he would so quickly fall into a new thing with a young girl, whom all I know of her is that she has pretty substantial mental issues (which she is on medication for). I'm not judging her because I have my own emotional issues but I was wondering what this type of person would bring to his life when he has so much going on. I've had a feeling that it is NRE and all the things that you suspect as well.

I have taken what the other posters have said into consideration and looked at myself. I want to be happy for him. That was one of the first things I said when we got together, that I never wanted to keep him from finding a partner that he loves and would be a good in his life. I just expected it would be farther down the line once he had spent time working on getting clean. It makes me worried that he won't stay clean.

It really helped me to hear your perspective. It's not all about me or me vs her. He's going through stuff. I've felt guilty that I'm actually becoming the destructive one as I've become very emotional about the whole thing. I think this whole experience has helped me see myself better.
 
Hi Stacey,

The title of your thread was about jealousy. There always seems to be lots of discussion about it on these forums. You might find this useful, though I think your situation is a little different.
 
Shaya said:
I wanted to pitch in a little to say that your boyfriend's need for a younger woman has more to do with his insecurities than you as a person. You mentioned that he made your approval of him a large motive to recover from addiction. Without pretending to be a psychologist, it seems to me from the limited information you had in your opening post, that he may at heart be an insecure person whose sense of self-worth is based on what others perceive him as.
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Sounds like a rationalization for being insecure about the fact that the person he's dating is younger.

He may well have some emotional stuff to deal with, people with addiction problems generally do; people without addiction problems generally do. Thus far there has been no mention of an issue related to this new persons age. In fact, there has been no justification for mentioning it at all with the exception of proving that there are insecurities at play. Trying to shoehorn any of this into the fact that the person he's dating is in their 20s instead of their 30s, is just dressing up a pig.

StacyDLR said:
I do, most def, have my own insecurities to grapple with but have wondered why he would so quickly fall into a new thing with a young girl, whom all I know of her is that she has pretty substantial mental issues (which she is on medication for). I'm not judging her because I have my own emotional issues but I was wondering what this type of person would bring to his life when he has so much going on. I've had a feeling that it is NRE and all the things that you suspect as well.
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All possibilities. The reason I have suggested you look in the mirror for your solution is because that's the only part that you have any control over and is any of your business. In my opinion, that is a good place to put effort... not how old this woman is.

StacyDLR said:
I think this whole experience has helped me see myself better.
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This is a good place to be.
 
Marcus said:
Sounds like a rationalization for being insecure about the fact that the person he's dating is younger.

He may well have some emotional stuff to deal with, people with addiction problems generally do; people without addiction problems generally do. Thus far there has been no mention of an issue related to this new persons age. In fact, there has been no justification for mentioning it at all with the exception of proving that there are insecurities at play. Trying to shoehorn any of this into the fact that the person he's dating is in their 20s instead of their 30s, is just dressing up a pig.



All possibilities. The reason I have suggested you look in the mirror for your solution is because that's the only part that you have any control over and is any of your business. In my opinion, that is a good place to put effort... not how old this woman is.



This is a good place to be.
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You're right. It's my own insecurities and I shouldn't judge her based on her age.
 
I just wanted to post an update.

I decided to end this relationship as the negative feelings I was having were becoming too much. I appreciated how the experience helped me to look at myself and actually how wrapped-up I'd become with dating and romance.

Having stepped away from it I see the problem wasn't only my jealousy. I was weary of how fast he moved with this girl based on what he had been telling me. Most of what he told me about her was negative. He told me how she was experiencing jealousy and possessiveness herself. He also that he was glad he had me because normally he would get very caught up in a relationship with someone like her. Well he did anyway. I think they are in deep NRE and maybe I should've just accepted that. But in the end I realize I shouldn't have started a relationship with someone who just got off drugs. I love him and I think he's a wonderful person but I had to evaluate my own reasons for thinking it was a good idea to get into something with someone like him. I think we would make better friends in the end.

It's been eye-opening as I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself. I really appreciate the insight from commenters in this forum.
 
Thanks for that update; it sounds like you made the right choice.
 
StacyDLR said:
I realize I shouldn't have started a relationship with someone who just got off drugs.
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All of us learn best via experience, so this episode will serve you well going forward. Most drug rehab and AA people will tell you that new relationships don't mix well with fresh sobriety, precisely because the newly clean person has an overwhelming amount of issues that were underlying the addiction - and those issues come screaming to the fore soon after the addictive substance is removed. People often focus on whether someone is using or drinking (or not) but just eliminating the substance is not enough on which to build a peaceful, fulfilling life or relationship. This is what is meant by a dry drunk: someone who has quit drinking, but never addressed all of the reasons for drinking in the first place. Recovering alcoholics go to AA meetings not only to stay sober but to work on a whole host of issues that led up to their addiction. Such ongoing self reflection offers hope of solid relationships.

It's one thing to know all of this, but it's another to experience it. I've experienced it and although it's rough, I'm glad to have learned about this. I have found a wealth of fellowship and personal growth opportunities in AlAnon, in which the focus is on people like me who are deeply drawn to others whose personal problems can overtake my thinking. I'm not implying that you have this tendency, I'm just mentioning this resource for others who might be reading along and who find similar patterns in themselves. For every alcoholic or drug addict, there is a good sized circle of loved ones who could really benefit from groups like Al Anon. Addiction is never only about the addict and whether he/she is using.
 
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Thanks, FallenAngelina!

Yes, I've been thinking I might to attend some meetings as I grew up with a heroin addict and realize through this relationship that I have some things to work through.
 
Hi Stacey. I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your relationship. I feel that you are probably hurting more than the gentle tone your posts show and hope you feel better about things in the coming months.

Good luck.
 
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