Help me!

[IndieSolo]

As far as this last post goes, this is a new thing to us and although you may have lived many years in this type of situation, we lived many years in the traditional way. I know my wife doesn't belong to me but after living with someone for 25 years, it's a little bit of a different thing to try and handle.
I posted here looking for some understanding and wasn't looking to be ridiculed by anyone.

Oh, I was not ridiculing you at all, just making some statements about what I got from your post. And I personally practiced monogamy way, way longer than I practiced polyamory, so I know how it is.

Look, we all want to be in control of things, and we've all (at least in Western society) been taught to believe that when one gets married, your spouse belongs to you. I have nothing against monogamy per se -- I would practice it again with the right person -- but I am against the loss of autonomy and independence traditional society teaches us is part and parcel of monogamy. It is a hard thing to let go of, even when a person embraces non-monogamy. It is especially ingrained in societal messages that the wife is property of the husband - we all have to fight that brainwashing. So, that is your task, my task, all of us... to step out of the confines that society has set up for us to live within, which do not fit us.

I pointed it out because of the huge conflict you felt between being okay that she's sexually active with someone else when you're there and taking part or observing, but you want to die when she goes off to be with him without you. To me, that speaks of a certain attachment to a sense of ownership. And it does sound like a tantrum (that is not an insult or ridicule - sometimes I throw tantrums, too), about not getting what she's getting, her having fun without you, or something like that. I could be totally wrong, but it is something for you to ponder.

Anything any of us post here is written in the spirit of helpfulness, but some or much of it might be difficult to read or come across as not so nice. Take away whatever resonates with you and ignore the rest. Good luck!

 

[Tiger08]

I'm guessing you're not answering my question about your relationship with this guy because the answer is unsavory. I'm not here to judge but I do think knowing who this guy is in terms of how you have known him since he was 13 years old MIGHT be something important to analyze. It would seem to add a very different twist compared to some random 23 yo guy you just met.

Not unsavory at all, everyone knows kids and they all grow up. We've known him for years as an aquaintance and then he just kinda latched onto us over the course of the last few years. He was brought up to be very respectful of people and even now reminds me of how much respect he has for for me and my wife and says he would never do anything to harm me or my marriage. He claims me as his best friend.
I never really felt an attraction until the last few months and most of that is just because we've spent so much time with him and we've grown to love him so much. Remember my post number 9, hard for me to know where and how to draw that line.
He is not without fault though, he has many hang ups and the last thing I worry about is him running off with my wife or vice versa. Biggest hang up I have with the age difference is, he's built well and good looking. I'm skinny and old! Lol.

I am in a little better spirits tonight thank God, didn't know if I could do another day of misery and feeling sorry for myself. He took my wife and I out for a nice dinner tonight and we all had a really great time, so we'll just see how things go.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi Tiger,

I think that in all honesty, it's not surprising you felt bad. From what I understand, it was the first time they'd gone off and done something alone like that? Also, who really wants to be stuck in bed overcoming an accident when their partner and someone else they have feelings for are off doing something far more fun?

To add insult to injury (literally, haha), you were stuck in bed feeling somewhat incapacitated. That's got to raise all sorts of - dare I say biological - competitive and emasculated feelings. The fact that you are feelings something shows that you are alive!!

I have a policy nowadays that I didn't used to have: I feel what I feel when I feel it. I put myself through so much stress and heartache during my first couple of years of being poly, telling myself that I 'shouldn't' feel X and I 'should' feel Y. These days, I just tell myself 'Oh, I see that I'm feeling X right now. Well, that is what I'm feeling. Let it pass.'

If the feelings don't pass within 24 hours, I look at why they are coming up and how I can get past them. I look at whether I need to communicate it to my partner, and I look at whether something could be changed in the situation or in my perspective.

In your case, something as simple as your wife saying that she'd love to take you away for the night once you're fully recovered would be a huge help, I'm sure.

I'm not saying that poly relationships should be tit-for-tat and that if one person does something with one person, they have to then do something equal with another. However, I know that the only time I struggle with poly these days is if my partner is off having dates with others and neglecting our dating life. To me, that's just not a relationship I enjoy being in and I like to have lots of fun, dating, bonding time with partners - whether mono or poly.

If I were in your shoes? I'd start by explaining to your wife that you felt a little something come up, if you feel that you'd like to share it. If you think it might have been a fleeting thing that doesn't need to be dragged up, you could also see how things pan out. However, if the feelings come back, address them with your wife and the young guy, because their return would indicate something that is unresolved.

Let us know how things go!