Help MY MAN IS POLY, I AM MONO says he can be mono

onestep

onestep

New member
I meet my man at a party. He told me he was poly with the girl he lives with but also said gave me the impression it was coming to an end. I didn't know much about poly and said I was willing to try. we feel in love instantly and I was head over heals. We have an awesome relationship and he tells me Iam the one...told me he is willing to be mono with me.

The problem... he still was going home and having sex with her and I couldn't take it and for months he tried to get me to accept it. I told him I accept you being poly it's just not for me.
he told me they still sleep together so I broke it off. now he says he is not sleeping with her. but everytime we fight about it he tells me they have sex.

He wants to move in and get married...Wanted to get married while he was still living with her! NEVER happen. also won't move in untill my son and his girlfriend move out because my son has anger issues, gets mad over dumb stuff.
Can anybody offer there experience s with this. I told him he needs to be himself but insist He needs me forever and be mono to be with me. also is in many poly groups and I feel if he is going to be mono 100% i don't see the need to be in the groups. I think he sometimes just says things to make me believe him and when I say that he gets mad and says im calling him a liar. I want this to work BUT can it????
 
I think he sometimes just says things to make me believe him and when I say that he gets mad and says im calling him a liar
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You could listen to your gut there. Because so far he is all talk no show and bristles when you call him on it.

Sounds messy to me. You gave a shot at it, he promised to close and did not. So... You learned he cannot follow through?

Ok. Not compatible. You accept him as poly but poly shipping is not for you.

So why is he still hanging around? Trying to move in? Trying to talk you out of obeying your own preferences?

Could just say no and skip it drama. Break up for good, do not date him, do not have him move in.

Galagirl
 
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I thank you for replying and yes I think he wants both. its all about me trusting him and me getting over my fears because he loves me. I feel i have good reason for my fears. thank you for your honesty.
 
do you think Iam wrong that I feel if he says he is willing to be mono he has no need to be in poly groups? this past week he went to a play party and a poly munch because we was fighting?
 
It's not about whether he can change or not. It's whether you can accept him as he is without resentment. From your posts I don't think you can. Would you fall in love with a gay man then ask him to be straight for you? The idea seems completely illogical because most people understand being gay isn't a choice and you can't change it.

I can tell you from my own experience being married to a poly man for more than a decade, that being poly isn't a choice either. It is part of who you are. Bud tried for many years to change or ignore who he was. We didn't know there was even a name for it or that what he felt was OK. Once we found out I cannot even put into words how liberating it was for both of us. He was free to be himself, finally, after all those years of struggle and heartache.

If you continue to pursue this man that you know will never be who you want him to be, it's only going to make him miserable. Trying to change who he is will eat away at his soul. You will have a shell that looks like him on the outside and that's it. For his sake and yours it's better to let him go.
 
i have told him to go on and live his life and not change for me but he begs me that he can. and wants to for him to be with me. i don't want him to change for me. he said he can and did it for 24 years of marriage. i think he tells me what i want to hear....
 
onestep said:
I meet my man at a party. He told me he was poly with the girl he lives with but also said gave me the impression it was coming to an end. I didn't know much about poly and said I was willing to try. we feel in love instantly and I was head over heals. We have an awesome relationship and he tells me Iam the one...told me he is willing to be mono with me.
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He's ready to be life long partners after barley meeting you, while still living with another girlfriend? He's on the rebound and looking for a place to crash since he will no longer be living with the ex, soon to be ex or whatever girlfriend!

onestep said:
i think he tells me what i want to hear....
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Very likely.

RUN! Unless you are one that thrives on drama and heartbreak (I do know a few).
 
Have you stopped being soft break up style like "I do not want you to change for me" to a harder break up style like "I want to break up. I do not want to be with you" yet? I do not think this is a guy who can take a hint and go with a soft break up style.

But really you do not even have to say anything any more, just YOU move on. Have you Blocked phone number, email, stop seeing each other, etc? You just do it, no JADE. You do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain. Just do what you need to do for your best healing.

You do not trust him to Close because he does not follow through with other things so he isn't sounding trustworthy to you. That is about it. You think he tells you whatever to try to get in with you or get his way. You just do not feel safe/trust him.

So trust YOU and your judgement and be rid of him. He is bargaining and trying to weasel in... I get that.

But you are the one listening to his song and dance. He can do what he wants in his behavior.

In yours? Stop listening, stop being available. I get that this is fresh, and it is upsetting for you. Could stop fighting. Just be nothing. No contact. So you can move on to the healing place and not be stuck in this yucky place. :(

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Hang in there.... I hope your healing comes soon and blocking him is like weight lifted from your shoulders. Free from stress, fighting, arguments, fears, etc.

It sounds like you have been through the wringer.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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yes i have and itself all blamed on my fears. thank you I knew it was a mistake and don't need ro be played. appreciate you thoughtfulness
 
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