Help-- open marriage, threesomes, turning polyamorous

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Prophesy

New member
Hi Everyone,

My name is Greg. I’m 26. I have been in an open relationship with Nanda for the best part of the last 10 years. We have two kids.

So, how do I begin? I want to condense this, because I am at work and I am not a big fan of typing, anyway. Let me break it down for you.

We've been in a sexually open relationship for 10 years. We used to do things sexually (threesomes) with this guy, Ben, who has been a friend of ours for as long as we have known each other, 10 years.

Well, as time went by, Nanda and Ben developed feelings, as you do when you have known someone for 10 years. You start to love them.

About a year ago, Nanda discovered polyamory. This was a huge relief to her, as she realised that it was completely normal to be able to love more than one person. I always knew she was close to Ben, and I knew Ben loved her. But about a year ago, they decided that they would label their “deep friendship” a relationship. I was like, “Well, I am not one for labelling things, and I don’t care for external opinions,” so I let them go.

Polyamory, here we come – woo…

Yeah, I didn’t mind Ben and Nanda being in love, as they always did love each other anyway. The only difference was that now it was “official." Cool. Didn’t really bother me..

But as that relationship has continued to develop over the past year, I have been steadily been feeling feelings of regret, entrapment and insecurities.

It has come to a point now where I am not unhappy. I live a comfortable life. I have everything I need. I am just dissatisfied with her not being completely mine. Is this my ego? I don’t tell my friends and people in my circle about the relationship between them. I don’t, because I am embarrassed and ashamed about it. It's kind of like a dirty secret that I keep out of the public eye. I view myself as weak for letting it start in the first place.

Anyway, this is already getting too long. The point is, I am now dissatisfied with them being in a relationship, and I don’t know if I want to be part of this “threeway relationship” or not. I am feeling lost. Will I be ok if I live this lifestyle?

I don’t like sharing my time with my girl.
I don’t like when they fight.
I don’t know exactly what it is that makes me so goddamn unhappy about them being in a relationship.
I don’t want Ben to get hurt.
I don’t want Nanda to get hurt.
I don’t want to be single, but I don’t want to live my life this way. (No offence to you guys. I know polyamory can be a wonderful thing.)

I wish Ben wasn’t there, even though he is great with the kids and the housework – much better than me. Does that make me selfish?
Should I place my own need for satisfaction above the fact that Ben is a wonderful helpful person?

I don’t want to leave.
I don’t want to stay.
I don’t feel I can live this way forever.
Lately I have been feeling sad and lost...

Please help me.

Love,
Greg
 
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Poor you. I can feel your pain in your post. I'm sorry you are hurting. :(

Two things I wonder-- is it just the label that made a change for you? If they were to stop calling it polyamorous love/relationship or whatever they call it, would you feel better?

Also, is it because you don't feel a part of it, now that you have a vee arrangement, with her being the hinge and having two men in her life? It sound like it was originally about sex between the two of you, and now it's them and you. Was there a change there?

Perhaps figuring out specifics would help.

* How much time does she spend with him?
* When you spend time together, do you do special things together?
* Have you organized your time so that it is balanced and dealt out in such a way that you all are happy?
* Are there things she is not doing or saying that make you feel loved and appreciated?
* Have you been communicating your needs and expressing your needs in a respectful way, and engaging her in talking about her own needs and feelings?

There is a lot on this forum that is worth reading. Perhaps looking at the stickies (poly lessons learned, perhaps), and doing some tag searches would help.

That being said, polyamory isn't for everyone. I'm not personally offended if you don't think it's the best time ever. I just think that after 10 years, there is a lot of water under the bridge, and you might have a good foundation that would work. Maybe some tweaking is all that is needed to get you on track to feeling confident that things will be okay.
 
Hi Greg,

I agree with everything Redpepper has said. She has covered most points.

This is a great forum for anyone involved with a poly person. You now technically fall into the category of a mono in a poly relationship. We are a bit of a niche group here, but there are a few of us. I also have a blog dedicated to the topic: polyamorouspeople.com. I felt like you on and off for a couple of years, but once I started getting help via forums, and from people who had experienced what I was experiencing, things started to really turn around. Mono/poly relationships aren't easy, but they can be very successful. You just have to open your mind and heart, and have a partner who is prepared to work with you.

Keep posting. :)
 
One of the first things that stood out for me is that you're 26 and have been in this relationship for 10 years! I found that at about the same time in our relationship (hubby and I have been together since I was 17), things really got shook up. We went in a different direction, from having a mostly closed relationship to opening up. Maybe the shake-up in a relationship is something that happens when you get to that point of really being an adult and start thinking more about what you want.

I think all of you should sit down and talk about what you want, and what your goals in your relationship(s) are. I hope that you can agree on something that is going to work for all of you. At 10 years in, it's not going to be without a lot of emotional involvement. On the bright side, there is also that solid foundation of caring and respect that has been built over the past decade.
 
Agreed on the goal setting. I'm wondering what kinds of long-term goals you have planned. Perhaps a plan would get everyone on board towards working on a future together.
 
Hey Guys,

Thank you for your kind words. In some ways, you have helped.

Over the past 24 hours, I have come to the conclusion that just because I enjoyed a open relationship with my partner in the past doesn’t make me poly! I have just been sucked into this world by chance.

Yes, they have love for each other, but I don’t have love for Ben. I like him as a friend. But love, real deep meaningful feelings, are not there for him. So now that I have made this clarification I can move forward.

In my head, I am saying, "Congratulations for giving it a go, Greg. Congratulations for being open-minded." But in the end, this lifestyle doesn’t work for me. I know this, because I can’t stand displays of affection between them. that just makes me uncomfortable and annoyed.

Great! Now I have a new problem. How do I approach this? I mean, Nanda is going to get hurt in the end. I know this, because I am not prepared to live in this threeway forever. I feel like their relationship is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. These feelings I have are going to rear their ugly heads sooner or later.

Okay, the other thing I left out of my OP is my other stupid behaviour. I don’t think I have been happy about their relationship from the start. The real problem here has been created by me. I have been hiding behind drugs (pot). It has been such an easy way to escape the reality of the situation. As it stands today, I am more addicted to pot than I have ever been at any point in the past.

Deep deep down, I know I have been running from these feelings. I guess I have reached breaking point, and am starting to approach these feelings head on, which has just caused my mood to be nothing less than despicable for at least the last two weeks.

I am working on getting off the pot so I can approach what feels like a significant life event with a clear mind. Last night was the first night I haven't smoked in about 8 months. I couldn’t sleep!!! I had about 3 hours of sleep altogether. Yay for me.

The other thing that could be compounding these issues is, I have a real problem with living with other people. Just getting use to their little subconscious living habits, such as leaving windows open, not cleaning up after themselves, just stupid crap like that But when I get an annoyance from some stupid thing Ben does, almost automatically my brain links it back to “FUCKING NANDA AND BEN AND THEIR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!!!” So I guess I have some deep buried feelings of resentment towards Ben for, you know, just being Ben.

I know this is completely unfair to Ben, but how am I meant to change what I feel? Sorry, but there are deep emotional issues there that I don’t even understand, so I guess they just spew out in the form of frustration.

The other OTHER thing, is I guess I view Ben as a very self centred arrogant person. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a great person, and he is capable of many wonderful things. But I think fundamentally he always puts himself first. But he would be the last person to admit that… His actions suggest that he only really thinks of himself.

Anyway, things don’t change overnight, and I still hate typing. So if you have read this far, thank you. The fact that you are reading this means you are interested in other people's lives and problems… If we all lived for other people, the world would be a different place.

Thanks again for your kind words. I guess I will keep this thread updated, depending on how this pans out.

I have two choices:
1. Keep the peace, smoke pot, and just let everyone live.
2. Deal with the issues, get off the pot, and cause a whole lot of chaos in my life.

I don’t want to go through with option 2, but option 1 will just cause stagnation in my life, and as you all know, humans are expanding beings and stagnation is intolerable.
 
Prophesy said:
I have two choices.
1. Keep the peace, smoke pot, and just let everyone live.
2. Deal with the issues, get off the pot, and cause a whole lot of chaos in my life.
I don’t want to go through option 2 , but option 1 will just cause stagnation in my life, and as you all know, humans are expanding beings and stagnation is intolerable.
Click to expand...

You're only selling yourself short if you go with option 1. You would be denying yourself any chance of actually being in a situation where YOU are happy. It might be that the relationship between you and Nanda won't work out, but all that means is that you are both in the position to truly be happy. I'm not saying that you should just give up and move on. It's going to take time and work to figure out how everyone is going to end up happiest. I can hear in your typing how much you're hurting over this. I hope you find your answers soon.
 
Just because you are having a hard time now doesn't mean it will always be that way or that it has to be that way. These things take time. All of us on here are struggling and working on how to make our lives comfortable and sane. Do some reading, do some searches. You will see in no time that you are not alone and that you can do it.

Get off the pot. I have had two partners that smoke and I left both of them. I need someone who is going to take their lives on, not sit and just let it pass them by, all the while just settling. This is a chance to make yourself great, rather than... meh *shrug.*

You have one life, and a woman that says she loves you. How can you find a way to nurture your love with her and be the best you can be? That is the question, as I see it.
 
I think you have until this point avoided the potential pain by smoking the pot. Once you get off it and actually confront the issues you might find that things aren't as bad as you thought.
 
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