Help: STD's and Polyamory

[Sailingrules]

Hi,

Please be gentle. I am rather upset.

For reference, I am monogamous, but my partner is polyamorous with multiple partners.

I was just diagnosed with genital herpes, doctor is confident it is type 2. We don't know if my partner has it yet (testing here generally doesn't differentiate cold sores (which he has) and type 2.

All other STD tests are up-to-date and negative.

My partner and I don't use condoms, but he uses them with everyone else. I acknowledge condoms aren't a perfect defense against herpes. I also know herpes 2 can be spread in between outbreaks.

So the question is... any suggestions on management of risk or how to disclose?

Also, any suggestions on supporting him if other partners leave as a result?

I really appreciate any helpful advice. Thank you.

 

[tdh]

Getting a Herpes diagnosis can be upsetting and scary. A good place to start information wises is https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/default.htm and https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/herpes/ Herpes is common, is passed through skin to skin contact (does not actually require sexual penetration), and can live dormant in the body for extended times. So just rubbing bodies together could in theory pass the virus. However Herpes and other skin irritations can look a lot a like so....

diagnosed with genital herpes, doctor is confident it is type 2

The only way to get an accurate diagnoses is a culture of an active outbreak. Visual diagnoses are not considered reliable as it can look like other skin issues. Usually after the culture it will be HSV-# so did you get diagnosed with a visual examination or culture? HSV-1 can live in the genital too but is less common. Herpes blood tests are not considered reliable as they can give false positives if you ever had an HSV virus like the chickenpox or shingles.

Herpes can be spread between outbreaks but is less common. Right before an outbreak is the biggests concern (viral shedding) where there might be tingling on the skin which could indicate an outbreak but for the most part during the outbreak is the biggests concern. Not having any skin to skin or skin to mucus membrane contact (mouth, anal, penis, vagina) is the recommended preventive or having a skin barrier during those times.

Management will depend on the severity of the outbreak. Loose fitting closes and making sure you pat skin dry after showering during an outbreak is recommended. Just try not to rub or scratch the skin. If the outbreaks are bad, drug management could be an option.

As for partners, there is no really good way from them to test without active outbreaks if they have it. Also no way to know where they got it from. If they have an outbreak, they should go to the doctor and get a culter. Blood tests are not reliable.

Due to the commonality of HSV, telling your partner you have had an outbreak it probably about as good as you can do unless you have another agreement in place or talk to all of their partners.

Hope this is helpful.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sailingrules,
Wikipedia has a few helpful articles:

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genital_herpes
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex_virus

As for ways to support your partner (if other partners leave as a result): tea and a warm blanket may help, as well as doing some of his jobs for him such as walking the dog. If you don't live with him, you can bring him a casserole or other meals. Mostly though, it is best just to give him space, and let him know you're there if he needs you. He may just need a listening ear (or a shoulder to cry on).

You're already taking the right steps of risk management. I suppose you could refrain from sex during outbreaks, but that may not be an acceptable option. Disclosure should be done as simply as possible. Something like, "I need to let you know that my other partner has genital herpes." Then be open to answering questions, discussing risk management, even the possibility that his other partners may want to get tested.

It is discouraging to come down with HSV-2, but know that it is not uncommon (between one in ten and one in six), you are not alone, you can get through this. Hopefully more people will post on this thread. Keep us updated on your situation, and let us know if you have any further questions. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bluebird]

I have an old post in my history (easily found if you do a search) about having a partner with HSV-2. I dated someone several years ago who was positive, and we are actually dating again right now. I have remained negative.

You’ll find that a stigma still exists about herpes in general, and it was alive and well in my old post comments - someone actually called my partners names for staying with me when I was willing to date a positive person! I hope people are kinder to you here.

I do think everyone involved needs to share the status with their partners, so they can make risk assessments and adjust how they have sex, if needed. You or your husband may lose partners, but it is unethical not to share the information.

A positive test for hsv-2 isn’t the end of the world though. You are still sexy, desirable and lovable. For much of the population, it isn’t an issue.

I wish you the best!

 

[HaloOnFire]

For much of the population, it isn’t an issue.

I don't suppose you happen to have any statistics for this assertion? Because even a cursory Google search indicates otherwise:

The Top 10 Relationship Deal Breakers

We all have our relationship deal-breakers, qualities that disqualify someone as a date. Researchers investigate the most common deal-breakers and how they affect dating choices.

www.psychologytoday.com

Are STDs a Deal Breaker?

www.menshealth.com

Women Are Suing Usher for Giving Them STDs

Lawyers weigh in.

www.shape.com

How STIs Can Play a Role in Abusive Relationships

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) may be used as a tool for manipulation in abusive relationships. Learn how it is okay to be happy even with an STI.

www.verywellhealth.com

 

[Bluebird]

I don’t think I need a number or a statistic here. Much isn’t the same as most.

 

[HaloOnFire]

I don’t think I need a number or a statistic here. Much isn’t the same as most.

I'm sorry, but I am not following you. Are you implying that because you said:

For much of the population, it isn’t an issue.

that is a FACT and not merely your opinion? Because if that is the case, that is simply not true and I think you are doing a disservice to the OP.

 

[Bluebird]

A positive test for hsv-2 isn’t the end of the world though. You are still sexy, desirable and lovable. For much of the population, it isn’t an issue.

I stand behind each of the statements I made in that paragraph, whether or not you “follow” them. It isn’t the end of her world to be positive. She is still a valid and valuable person. Many people will still wish to date her.

 

[HaloOnFire]

I stand behind each of the statements I made in that paragraph, whether or not you “follow” them. It isn’t the end of her world to be positive. She is still a valid and valuable person. Many people will still wish to date her.

Ok, miss me with this. NOWHERE in my posts did I say she was not still a valid and valuable person. ETA: And stick with the topic, which is people's reactions to finding out a potential partner is positive for a sexually transmitted disease/infection/virus. But your adamant insistence on pulling statements out of the ether in order to bolster your opinion that

For much of the population, it isn’t an issue.

is patently false. When she gets different reactions to this statement, she is going to wonder what is wrong with her because someone on the internet said otherwise. THAT is the disservice you are doing to OP and quite frankly, you should literally not be doing that.

 

[icesong]

I think ya'll are arguing over the definition of the word "much" here. There *is* a segment of the population that would consider an HSV-2 test to be no big deal in a potential partner/metamour; there is also a segment of the population that that is a dealbreaker for. Just like polyamory, really. I don't think there's any way to actually determine what those proportions are, and it's very possible that you both have experience with different segments of the population where in Bluebird's experience it's been less of a big deal and in Halo's experience that's not true.

I *do* think that what becomes harder is "casual" relating; for myself I'd be a lot more likely to choose to be intimate with someone with an STI if it was part of a long term / committed relationship rather than a one night stand - it's a risk versus reward thing. (I doubt in either case that I'd make the call to not engage with someone based on a metamour's diagnosis, assuming the potential partner tested regularly.)

 

[Bluebird]

But your adamant insistence on pulling statements out of the ether in order to bolster your opinion

Not pulling anything out of the ether. It’s legit what I wrote.

When she gets different reactions to this statement, she is going to wonder what is wrong with her because someone on the internet said otherwise. THAT is the disservice you are doing to OP and quite frankly, you should literally not be doing that.

I am almost certain that OP will read all of this and she will be sure to weigh everything written here. Especially now since you’ve really tried to drive the point that I have no idea what I am talking about.

Many people find HSV-2 a dealbreaker. We can agree with that. However, I stand by my statement that many OTHER people don’t find it a dealbreaker.

 

[HaloOnFire]

Not pulling anything out of the ether. It’s legit what I wrote.

Especially now since you’ve really tried to drive the point that I have no idea what I am talking about.

If you are not posting anything to refute the links that I have posted, you are quite literally pulling your OPINION out of the ether. You made a statement with ZERO corroborating evidence. And no, we do not agree on anything in this matter.

Full stop.

 

[Bluebird]

If you are not posting anything to refute the links that I have posted, you are quite literally pulling your OPINION out of the ether. You made a statement with ZERO corroborating evidence.

Lol Okay, so this entire thread has become refute what you say? Sorry, not interested.


Have a good evening.

 

[HaloOnFire]

Lol Okay, so this entire thread has become refute what you say? Sorry, not interested.

Given your past history of "I do what I want", I am not in the least surprised this is your response. Because it's not as if Herpes 2 has any long term effects or anything like like. So, yea. You are entirely correct. What's the big effing deal? /s

 

[Bluebird]

Thanks for linking to the post I mentioned earlier. Hopefully it helps the OP.