help with poly

[joedirte]

I need advice and help. My wife Bella and I are new to poly. She started dating a male friend of ours, Cooper. We both agreed beforehand. This was almost a month ago and since day one it's been mostly about him or them.

At first, Cooper was worried about me and my feelings. I explained to him I was good with it all.

After about two weeks of dating, they have moved their relationship very fast and have spent almost all free time with each other. I started to feel jealous, not about him, but lack of time and effort spent on our relationship.

We had a talk about an overnight stay, and Bella said she would let me take the lead in my relationships as far as time spent away from home. 2 days later, she didn't come home. I got angry and blew up very bad. I might have kicked his ass if I saw him, only because I won't hit a woman.

We spoke, and they both admitted they had done wrong, as far as time and the way they did things. Bella said she would spend more time with me. Cooper said he would take a step back. That happened 2 days ago. They hung out today while I was at work (nothing wrong with that) but I felt bad, sad, even depressed.

I thought about leaving because it's getting too hard, but that might be the wrong thing to do, since I agreed to poly and I really do believe in it. But now I have feelings of being left out. Bella promised to change things and be fair, and I know I should give her a chance, but I'm not feeling very good about us or me.

I hate feeling this way. I feel small. I think I should be a bigger man, but it's hard. I should be happy for them, but I don't, at the moment.

 

[Fidelia]

Hi Joe,

My heart breaks for you, BrotherMan. I know how you feel.

I hope there will be other, much more experienced polyfolk come on with deeper advice. I can only share what I think will help.

If your needs have been neglected in favor of the new bf and the NRE, it is completely foreseeable that you would feel rejected and pushed aside. People do crazy stuff in the throes of NRE. If you can, understand this, and forgive it.

To fix this and put things back on a good track, you need to be clearheaded and strong. And it all boils down to this: figure out what you need to be okay, to feel loved and valued. Then, ask for it, clearly, in terms that well-intentioned crazy people can understand.

*hugs*

 

[ladyjools]

Bella is caught up in new relationship energy. First time trying poly. I'm not surprised that she is overwhelmed by it. Remember how it felt when you first got together with her, you wanted to spend all your free time with each other? It hurts to be apart, hormones are going wild. This part lasts for a while, but it doesn't last forever.

Not to say that Bella is right in neglecting the relationship she has with you, but this is a common mistake that a lot of people make when they start out. I am guessing you are arguing about this, and so she is probably not seeing you as a loving husband, but as someone who is trying to restrict her. Her logical mind will be telling her that you are right to feel hurt, but her heart will be pulling her in all different directions.

I suggest you calmly sit down and talk to her. Let her know you love her, that you are not trying to pin her down... then perhaps think of things you can do together to spend quality time. Make a date night once a week when you know you will do something special together.

My personal opinion is, do not try and restrict her time with Cooper. Just ask for some time in return. Overnight stays are going to happen. When you are making love to someone, the last thing you want to do is leave halfway through night.

I hope things work out.

Jools