Help working through confusion?

S

SearchingforMyself

New member
My relationship with JP has been going quite well - at least as far as I know. :) My friendship with my metamour J has been going fantastic. JP will now occasionally spend the night at my place and when I stay over at their place I sleep with him (they sleep separately) although we don't have any sexual interaction in the bed.

My confusion that I'm working through has to do with a possible new FWB that JP seems to have picked up. He met up with an old friend T (no contact for 8+ years or so) for coffee last weekend and while catching up he told her that he was in a poly relationship. Afterwards T emailed him and in the back and forth she told him that she had had a crush on him and wanted to know if at any point he was interested in possibly playing around. JP did check in with J - and then with me - before any plans to get together were set. However, my feelings about this were a bit different than J. She is all right with only knowing about things that may happen IRL - she doesn't need/want (I'm not sure which) to know about any emails/web chats/sexting/etc. When JP talked to me, J had already given permission and I did feel a bit like I couldn't really say no. I have shared this with him since. It also came up that T is bi(or exploring) and that since I am bi - she would be interested in a 3some. At this point, she had never met me and JP had not told her who I am so she had no idea what I even look like. (I suffer from Bell's Palsy so the right side of my face is paralyzed to a certain degree). In my experience, a girl would only say that because she is trying to get the guy into bed with her.

I did give my permission to JP and have been told by him that I am secondary only to J - yes, we are hierarchal to a certain degree. J has reinforced that I basically have veto power with her over any requests that JP may have. JP has said that he is not interested in a relationship beyond occasional FWB with T.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm different from J in that I am uncomfortable with photos being shared, sexting or similar emails threads happening. I am feeling replaced as email conversations that JP used to have seem to have dropped by the wayside - for example, we have a NSFW email thread that has not been used in over 2 weeks. I know this is long, but if you've hung in to this point - I'm looking for help and support in verbalizing my feelings without putting him on the defensive.
 
Alright. Let me try... Edit at will.


"Thank you for checking in with the new potential FWB. I see that you want to consider taking her on board as a FWB. I would like opportunity to talk about my wants, needs, and limits so I can feel safe emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually with this new possible change.

I feel the need for connection with you. We have a NSFW email thread that fills that need that has not been used in over 2 weeks. I miss you.

I am uncomfortable with photos being shared, sexting or similar emails threads happening with this new person because I worry/am fearful I am being replaced or will be replaced. I am worried and afraid that my shared time with you will become less.

Are you still willing to meet my needs for time with you?

Are you willing to reassure me that I won't be forgotten in the NRE with this new person? When will be "our" time in this new potential arrangement? How does this new person fit into our polyship world here? Is this FWB person a tertiary to you? Or another secondary to you? Or another primary to you?

I would like to be able to give you my blessing and goodwill but I feel hesitant because I do not yet know your what your feelings/thinking is and where/how this will impact me/us in terms of time management and heirarchy.

Could you be willing to let me know what your feeling/thinking is?"​

Could something along those lines help?

GG
 
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New love is a powerful thing. I know that I have felt left out when IV was high on emotion from her time with PT. That rush of emotion and all consuming puppy love really does seem to conquer all but the most stoic of people. I know that I can't think of anything but my new lover when I have one - everything else gets the volume turned down.

SearchingforMyself said:
I have come to the conclusion that I'm different from J in that I am uncomfortable with photos being shared, sexting or similar emails threads happening. I am feeling replaced as email conversations that JP used to have seem to have dropped by the wayside - for example, we have a NSFW email thread that has not been used in over 2 weeks. I know this is long, but if you've hung in to this point - I'm looking for help and support in verbalizing my feelings without putting him on the defensive.
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You are uncomfortable with his sending his new interest sexy emails? Or you are uncomfortable with the feeling of losing time you were once entitled to? If you're against him sending sexy emails that's... odd. I take it he isn't having sex with this person if a sexy email bugs you?

Unless I missed my guess the email and texting is irrelevant. The issue is the fact that you don't feel like you're getting the same attention from your fellow that you have become accustomed to. It makes sense, it's natural.

Now, just because it's natural doesn't mean the feelings of entitlement are reasonable or adult. It certainly doesn't mean that making up arbitrary rules to try and hedge in the ways he can communicate with her is positive (because it isn't).

Try taking a compersion view of the issue. That is, try to focus on the fact that he has a new lover and how wonderful that is. Focus in on the fact that he probably smiles more, the world looks more beautiful to him, and that he is experiencing something right before your eyes that many people only feel a few times in their life. Give him some time, respect his space, try to understand where he is instead of getting him to understand where you are.

The more you make it about you, the more painful it will be for everyone involved.

If you absolutely must confront him about this I would encourage you to figure out what it is that you want. You've established what you feel, but "feeling" isn't as useful as "understanding". You want him to stop emailing this girl? To spend a limited amount of time with her? To spend more time with you? Not talk about her when he's with you? I have no idea, but having some actionable points in your head might give you some direction. Going off of feeling alone will notoriously end in vague resolutions which can further exacerbate an issue.
 
Marcus said:
You are uncomfortable with his sending his new interest sexy emails? Or you are uncomfortable with the feeling of losing time you were once entitled to? If you're against him sending sexy emails that's... odd. I take it he isn't having sex with this person if a sexy email bugs you?

Unless I missed my guess the email and texting is irrelevant. The issue is the fact that you don't feel like you're getting the same attention from your fellow that you have become accustomed to. It makes sense, it's natural.

Now, just because it's natural doesn't mean the feelings of entitlement are reasonable or adult. It certainly doesn't mean that making up arbitrary rules to try and hedge in the ways he can communicate with her is positive (because it isn't).
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It looks like some clarification might be needed. JP and J have always had an open relationship but this is the first poly relationship for all three of us. JP and J have always had "guidelines" in place that they are comfortable with - and that work for them - but this is the first time that they have ever tried to work the comfort level of a third person (me) in. J is comfortable not know about any emails, photos, sexting, etc - I am uncomfortable with the photos, sexting, sexy emails being exchanged with someone without my knowledge - now that I know about them, they aren't a big deal. This is something that I had not experienced before so I didn't know beforehand what my comfort level would be. So far there has been no PIV sex - but that was by his (and her) choice.

Marcus said:
Try taking a compersion view of the issue. That is, try to focus on the fact that he has a new lover and how wonderful that is. Focus in on the fact that he probably smiles more, the world looks more beautiful to him, and that he is experiencing something right before your eyes that many people only feel a few times in their life. Give him some time, respect his space, try to understand where he is instead of getting him to understand where you are.

The more you make it about you, the more painful it will be for everyone involved.

If you absolutely must confront him about this I would encourage you to figure out what it is that you want. You've established what you feel, but "feeling" isn't as useful as "understanding". You want him to stop emailing this girl? To spend a limited amount of time with her? To spend more time with you? Not talk about her when he's with you? I have no idea, but having some actionable points in your head might give you some direction. Going off of feeling alone will notoriously end in vague resolutions which can further exacerbate an issue.
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If this was a new relationship where he was falling in love - then maybe I would focus on working on compersion. By JP's decision, he does not want a third relationship - and T does not want a relationship beyond occasional FWB either. So I fail to see where I am making it "about me" - instead I (and J agrees) feel that I am making it about our existing relationship. I'm trying to find a way to clearly communicate with him so that he can feel comfortable exploring - I follow LR's wordpress blog and this quote that she shared (from someone else's blog I think) explains it best:

Do not sacrifice the health of an existing relationship to the growth of another.
 
From what I can tell, the main two things you need from JP are

  • more notification (about when he's messaging T),
  • more of his time/attention for you (as you've been getting less lately).
It is hard to ask for things, as sometimes we feel like if the person wanted to do them, they would do them without being asked. But sometimes their intentions are good and they just don't realize what you need. After all, like it says in the "Five Love Languages," what expresses love to one person is not always what expresses love to another person. It takes awhile for people to learn that about each other.

Does the idea of JP having a FWB bother you all by itself? or is it just that it seems to be taking away from his relationship with you?
 
kdt26417 said:
Does the idea of JP having a FWB bother you all by itself? or is it just that it seems to be taking away from his relationship with you?
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I will state for the record that JP and I were originally supposed to be a "FWB" thing at the start before it started to become more "relationship-py" - and I have a horrid aversion to "FWB" due to some really bad experiences in my past where I was really taken advantage of. FWB in general leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I've been thinking about this question a lot - I wasn't quite sure, and parts of me are still unsure if it is his having a FWB by itself or this FWB in particular or if it is that it seems to be taking away from his and my relationship.

At this point, I know that I'm not thrilled with this particular FWB situation - but I don't know if that is because of some things that T has said and done or if I would be bothered by anyone. I do know that the fact that it seems to be taking away from JP and my relationship (and least it is leaving me feeling disconnected from him) bothers me. We express a lot of our connection through being intimate, as he is not a very outwardly affectionate person, and the week he was emailing/texting with T (before I knew about the emails) he had no desire to be intimate with me. I think I'll be better once we find the time to reconnect - at least, that's what I'm hoping.

GalaGirl said:

How does this new person fit into our polyship world here? Is this FWB person a tertiary to you? Or another secondary to you? Or another primary to you?
​
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J and I both love and respect each other and support the other's relationship with JP - with her as the primary and I as the secondary. We function best in our hierarchy as we are all logical thinkers - and JP has said that he doesn't want two secondaries - so if anything were to come about, T could only be tertiary.
 
Could you please clarify? There was no quotation marks.

Is it

JP said, "I do not want two secondaries - so if anything were to come about, T could only be tertiary."​

or

JP said, "I do not want two secondaries."

And YOU are saying "If anything were to come about T could only be tertiary" because that is the arrangement that you could agree to? He might be up for T as a primary but you are not?​

I am confused as to who is saying what.

Galagirl
 
That's what I get for writing when I should be sleeping..

Not his exact words but JP was the one who said something along the lines of 'I do not want two secondaries - so if anything were to come about, they could only be tertiary.' I remember it as being something similar to "J is primary, you are secondary only to J, anyone else would come after you."

No one but J will ever be primary for JP as long as they are together. :)
 
Sounds like you have a complicated history with FWB relationships, and the current one has interfered with your relationship with JP as well.

Don't hesitate to ask JP for (and be specific about) what you need. He should at least be aware of that, and you should know whether he is willing to help meet your needs.
 
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