BrianneGoddess
New member
This is so me too!
And CTF - you sound much like my husband sounds. Helps with perspective that's for sure
Helping mono partner understand
- Thread starter BrianneGoddess
- Start date
This is so me too!
And CTF - you sound much like my husband sounds. Helps with perspective that's for sure
Yes, you sound like my husband too, CTF. Except I'm the only person he confides in, which I don't think is a great thing. It's hard on him not having someone outside our relationship to discuss the relationship with--he says that often--and I feel a lot of pressure as the everything in his life.
Well, there are a lot of guys like us out there. I think that guys typically are pretty closed off. I don't know if it's because we're conditioned to not seem vulnerable, or something else.
Like your husband, I would have never confided in anyone else but my wife. Especially in regards to relationship troubles. And aside from bits & pieces, I still don't. I don't really count coming onto this site as a variation of that, since we're dealing with anonymity of the internet. None of us would even know who we were if we ever encountered one another on the street. But when it comes to our circle, the ONLY reason that I had to tell someone, was because I was about to lose my mind when my wife revealed this side of her to me. It destroyed me inside, and I was going downhill fast.
Like your husband, I would have never confided in anyone else but my wife. Especially in regards to relationship troubles. And aside from bits & pieces, I still don't. I don't really count coming onto this site as a variation of that, since we're dealing with anonymity of the internet. None of us would even know who we were if we ever encountered one another on the street. But when it comes to our circle, the ONLY reason that I had to tell someone, was because I was about to lose my mind when my wife revealed this side of her to me. It destroyed me inside, and I was going downhill fast.
I understand that's a lot of pressure. My wife said the exact same thing when I told her something similar once. If it's ANY help at all, consider the possibility that it's not that he wants you to be the only one he confides in, but rather, you're the only one he trusts to confide in. When I explained this to my wife, she felt less pressured into being the "problem solver" for me (which was never what I wanted her to be). And it's difficult, when one of the few people you trust, doesn't seem to have time for you in moments you need them the most, while they can snap their fingers and have the world come beckoning for them. Feeling like a third wheel in your own marriage is depressing.
I'm sorry it's been so rough.
I didn't want to generalize it as a guy thing, but I think it is kind of a guy thing. And I think that's a pity because there's so much benefit to getting different perspectives on things from people who know you in different ways. We can get into thinking ruts about things and no matter how much we think and think and think about things, without a fresh view we might just dig ourselves in.
I suppose, too, it makes the whole idea of poly even harder if you can't imagine being intimate with more than one person. I have various kinds and levels of intimate relationships and they're all valuable and one can't replace the other. So it's easier to wrap my mind around poly. This does, however, make the idea of my husband finding a poly relationship a little scary, since he doesn't have the same experience of multiple emotionally intimate relationships.
And speaking from the perspective of the person who is the sole confidant--that can be tough. It feels like a huge responsibility and I have to constantly monitor myself to make sure I am being helpful and not self-serving. I certainly don't know all the answers (UNDERSTATEMENT!) Sometimes I want a fresh breeze to blow through the marriage but it doesn't happen when we're in an emotional cocoon.
Although I admit that the whole poly discussion has actually been a kind of fresh breeze--it's done a lot of good for my communication with my husband, forcing us both to think about what we want, need, and have.
I didn't want to generalize it as a guy thing, but I think it is kind of a guy thing. And I think that's a pity because there's so much benefit to getting different perspectives on things from people who know you in different ways. We can get into thinking ruts about things and no matter how much we think and think and think about things, without a fresh view we might just dig ourselves in.
I suppose, too, it makes the whole idea of poly even harder if you can't imagine being intimate with more than one person. I have various kinds and levels of intimate relationships and they're all valuable and one can't replace the other. So it's easier to wrap my mind around poly. This does, however, make the idea of my husband finding a poly relationship a little scary, since he doesn't have the same experience of multiple emotionally intimate relationships.
And speaking from the perspective of the person who is the sole confidant--that can be tough. It feels like a huge responsibility and I have to constantly monitor myself to make sure I am being helpful and not self-serving. I certainly don't know all the answers (UNDERSTATEMENT!) Sometimes I want a fresh breeze to blow through the marriage but it doesn't happen when we're in an emotional cocoon.
Although I admit that the whole poly discussion has actually been a kind of fresh breeze--it's done a lot of good for my communication with my husband, forcing us both to think about what we want, need, and have.
I appreciate you saying that, but there was already a lot going on before the poly discussion. My Dad had recently passed, and my wife had had a nervous breakdown at work, and quit her job withing a few weeks of each other. So faced with the stress of being the sole provider, grieving for my Dad, and trying to help deal with her mental illness, being told that she might have the desire to sleep with people outside of our marriage was not a discussion I was looking forward to having. Sure, it explained being virtually ignored while she spent upwards of 12 hours/day talking/texting/Skyping/gaming with "an old friend", but there was already too much on the plate...
You're right, it's extremely difficult (if not impossible) to grasp the idea of poly without having the ability to see intimacy with others. Not just physical, but emotional too. I do hesitate to label it as a "guy thing", but we do seem to hear more about men bottling things up than women.
As far as your husband goes... I'm curious... Does he have an actual interest in finding other relationships? Of would he be doing that just to, sort of, even the playing field? I ask because I've had a few people suggest that, maybe, if I found another relationship, I might have an easier time with the idea of my wife having one. I really have no desire to do that, but it's been suggested.
You're right, it's extremely difficult (if not impossible) to grasp the idea of poly without having the ability to see intimacy with others. Not just physical, but emotional too. I do hesitate to label it as a "guy thing", but we do seem to hear more about men bottling things up than women.
As far as your husband goes... I'm curious... Does he have an actual interest in finding other relationships? Of would he be doing that just to, sort of, even the playing field? I ask because I've had a few people suggest that, maybe, if I found another relationship, I might have an easier time with the idea of my wife having one. I really have no desire to do that, but it's been suggested.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I can so relate to this...
One of the things I love about my husband is that he has many deep, close friendships with both men and women. I have never liked the idea of being someone's everything, their only support. I started counting Andy's emotional intimates and gave up, I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. The fact that Andy has many, many people who will hold him, comfort him, listen to his deepest fears and share theirs... Somehow that makes me feel safer loving him. I can just be *me*, not struggle constantly to be *whatever Andy needs right now*.
Dating Dag, I've had to deal for the first time with a guy who doesn't have lots of emotionally intimate relationships. It's HARD. I feel a ton of pressure to be always available - not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I'm used to a partner who sees that I'm busy/stressed/cranky and seeks emotional support elsewhere. Dag comes to me for everything emotions, and I feel like I have to be there even when I'm not up for it. I'm also used to being with someone who's basically love-saturated. Andy relishes my love and attention, but he doesn't need gobs of it, because he gets so much from others. Dag is like a starving man at a buffet when it comes to love and affection. I'm happy to give him tons - but I feel sometimes like there is no "enough".
Sometimes the difference between those who have multiple close, loving, intimate friendships, and those who only share that emotionally intimacy with their spouse, seems like a much wider gulf than sexually monogamous vs not.
IndieSolo
Active member
Wow, GFT, these are powerful insights for you, and I can see why you struggle so much with trying to be there for Dag, especially when you need space and time to yourself. I don't think you've ever put it quite so clearly before.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Probably because it has taken me a really long time to understand myself
I naively assumed everyone was like Andy and me, with friends who cuddle together and cry together and know each other's darkest depths. Like a lot of guys mentioned here, Dag only feels comfortable doing emotional intimacy in romantic relationships. Since his marriage is mostly co-parenting and friendship now, that's just... Me. It's new territory for the girl whose husband came pre-packaged with a platonic girlfriend and half a dozen BFFs!
I really struggle with setting boundaries here. It's easy to say "sorry, tapped out, need to recharge" when you know your partner has a Rolodex of other people to lean on. Much harder - for me, anyway - when saying no means your partner doesn't get their needs met at all
BrianneGoddess
New member
Yes that's exactly it!! Being someone's everything, especially if they cannot reciprocate at all is hard work! And requires so much of your inner you that often I feel entirely drained but it's still not enough to touch sides for him.
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know various perspectives
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know various perspectives
He likes the idea of having sex with someone else--we've been together a loooong time and so that would of course be exciting. But otherewise no, he's not all that into it and he hates the fact that it's now a distracting thought in his brain. He works a lot and he doesn't like anything to distract him from his work. He also insists there aren't any women out there who would be interested in a married man. He had a couple of instances where his hopes were up, but they didn't pan out.
If a woman came on to him, I'm sure he would go for it. But he doesn't really want another partner and I can't imagine that he would have the bandwidth--both timewise and emotionally--to take on a whole other relationship. He barely manages to meet my needs in those regards.
I see. So the sexual aspect does appeal to him, providing it doesn't require the energy to engage on an emotional level... Honestly, I understand that point of view much more so, than involving the emotional intimacy. It's still farther than I would ever be able to fathom going, but I know that the excitement of variety exists with some people. Good luck.
Truth be told, I have never had a problem with seeing her having other people to talk to. There are some things that I know that I could never pt a valuable perspective on. I also have never had the desire to make her my "only" form of emotional support. Somethings, like the death of a family member, I think it's reasonable to expect that your partner tries to be there for you...
That being said, I know when I'm dumping too many problems on her. And in a effort to avoid that, I just shut up & deal with it myself. Just because I don't have anybody else, doesn't mean that I seek to have her there for EVERYTHING.
The lack of intimacy outside of romantic relationships reminds me of this, actually:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-...traction-and-connection-are-not-unusual-crwk/
(Though I'm not sure it's just guys - I'm somewhat prone to feeling artificial intimacy with lovers and being hesitant to be vulnerable around platonic friends, as well.)
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-...traction-and-connection-are-not-unusual-crwk/
(Though I'm not sure it's just guys - I'm somewhat prone to feeling artificial intimacy with lovers and being hesitant to be vulnerable around platonic friends, as well.)
Holy cow, that was an amazing article. I can't say that I've ever developed those sort of feelings for therapists & friends (certainly, not that I've ever been aware of), but so much of that spoke to me. Fear & anger have always tended to be how I expressed any negative emotions. For over a year now, I've been beating myself up over wondering why I didn't cry when my Dad passed away. I felt guilty, as though I wasn't as sad as I should've been.
Seriously... THANK YOU for posting this. Not only do I feel better in the sense that I know this is more common, but I think this should help give my wife some insight as to why I've always seemed to be like this.
I value and respect the words of the mono people here, CTF and the various husbands mentioned. Men are certainly discouraged from sharing their deepest emotions with others. It's ingrained in our society and has been for millennia. I find that so sad, and unhelpful for our modern society. It's becoming outmoded and causes devolution, in my opinion. I encourage men to take the leap, to trust, to get outside perspectives on their emotional issues. I think a board like this is great for guys, even if they only read and never post.
Poly men are generally outgoing and curious guys, I have found. Like me, they enjoy sampling the banquet of our fellow human travelers while we are here existing on planet earth. So much to learn, from so many interesting people! It's like traveling to a foreign country and sampling the language, the culture, the landscape, the food, the folk art, without the hassle and expense of traveling. It's broadening.
My current boyfriend prefers the company of women over men (although he does have a couple guy friends), and even though I don't think he's ever actually had concurrent emotional romantic relationships, he is very friendly and loves to engage with the ladies. I guess he's kind of in touch with his feminine side. He just seems to love to have a variety of friends to bounce ideas off of, listen to music with, go places with, etc. He even likes clothes and thrift store shopping.
My ex husband was more like the "typical guy" being talked about here. We were together over 30 years. He had a few male friends, but no one he felt safe really letting into his heart. He suppressed, hid and lied about his attraction to other women, to "set a good example" for me.
He had low self esteem and that colored all his interactions, and also his attitude toward my friends. He always knew I was poly, no matter how I suppressed it and tried to downplay it. However, he was even suspicious of my conversations with female friends I went to for support. He expressed a real fear all we did when we talked was "bitch about our husbands." Which was very insulting really, as if we had nothing else to talk about! Like our kids, our jobs, our hobbies, travel, our cultural and sports activities, etc. Heck, even girly things like nail polish, home decorating, what kind of bra to buy. lol
I think it can help any marriage/coupleship to have other good friends at the very least. Like Girl/Tex said, it's exhausting and challenging to be the sole emotional support for someone. It's not particularly healthy. It's a shame some people feel the need to keep everyone else on the planet, besides their spouse, at arm's length. I suspect, like with my ex, it stems from childhood trauma. A shame to live that way one's entire adult life.
Life is short. I am getting older. I am 60. I still want to keep getting out there with people and make new friends, old and young. I do love to chat with younger people as well as my peers. It's so refreshing to hear what they find important in this quickly changing world of ours. It's like a view into the future. I am also even open to dating men much younger than me just because I enjoy their energy and humor. (Well, and their libidos, I must admit.) lol
I am not here to force anyone to see things my way. Everyone is on their own journey. But please, monos, try to not feel threatened too much when your wife meets someone new and feels a new energy and excitement about life. That's just normal. My gf and I are very close, but sometimes if we don't socialise enough, separately or together, we kind of run out of things to talk about. Getting together with other people brings out new aspects of ourselves and makes us more interesting to each other, and actually does strengthen our relationship, challenges us and forces us to keep growing, not stagnating.
Poly men are generally outgoing and curious guys, I have found. Like me, they enjoy sampling the banquet of our fellow human travelers while we are here existing on planet earth. So much to learn, from so many interesting people! It's like traveling to a foreign country and sampling the language, the culture, the landscape, the food, the folk art, without the hassle and expense of traveling.
It's broadening.My current boyfriend prefers the company of women over men (although he does have a couple guy friends), and even though I don't think he's ever actually had concurrent emotional romantic relationships, he is very friendly and loves to engage with the ladies. I guess he's kind of in touch with his feminine side. He just seems to love to have a variety of friends to bounce ideas off of, listen to music with, go places with, etc. He even likes clothes and thrift store shopping.
My ex husband was more like the "typical guy" being talked about here. We were together over 30 years. He had a few male friends, but no one he felt safe really letting into his heart. He suppressed, hid and lied about his attraction to other women, to "set a good example" for me.
He had low self esteem and that colored all his interactions, and also his attitude toward my friends. He always knew I was poly, no matter how I suppressed it and tried to downplay it. However, he was even suspicious of my conversations with female friends I went to for support. He expressed a real fear all we did when we talked was "bitch about our husbands." Which was very insulting really, as if we had nothing else to talk about! Like our kids, our jobs, our hobbies, travel, our cultural and sports activities, etc. Heck, even girly things like nail polish, home decorating, what kind of bra to buy. lol
I think it can help any marriage/coupleship to have other good friends at the very least. Like Girl/Tex said, it's exhausting and challenging to be the sole emotional support for someone. It's not particularly healthy. It's a shame some people feel the need to keep everyone else on the planet, besides their spouse, at arm's length. I suspect, like with my ex, it stems from childhood trauma. A shame to live that way one's entire adult life.
Life is short. I am getting older. I am 60. I still want to keep getting out there with people and make new friends, old and young. I do love to chat with younger people as well as my peers. It's so refreshing to hear what they find important in this quickly changing world of ours. It's like a view into the future. I am also even open to dating men much younger than me just because I enjoy their energy and humor. (Well, and their libidos, I must admit.) lol
I am not here to force anyone to see things my way. Everyone is on their own journey. But please, monos, try to not feel threatened too much when your wife meets someone new and feels a new energy and excitement about life. That's just normal. My gf and I are very close, but sometimes if we don't socialise enough, separately or together, we kind of run out of things to talk about. Getting together with other people brings out new aspects of ourselves and makes us more interesting to each other, and actually does strengthen our relationship, challenges us and forces us to keep growing, not stagnating.
I appreciate the kind words, and encouragement for us monos. Please understand, that I don't claim to speak for anyone but myself. I don't know what makes other monos tick, and I recognize that everyone has their own experiences that can shape who we become as adults. I'm not sure if I've ever told this story here before. It was a bit of a repressed memory until last year. Since then, I've told it to several people, including therapists, my wife, my mom, my sister and a close cousin. (My mom & sister knew of some of it, but never knew the full story)
On my first day of Kindergarten, at recess, I approached a kid to ask him if he wanted to be my friend. He said no. As did several others I approached one by one. Eventually, one kid said yes, and I was so shocked I kept asking him every chance I got, if he still wanted to be my friend. It's not easy to face such incessant rejection at the age of 5. Eventually, I just learned that all I needed was that one good friend. And when we moved, I was terrified of having the same experience. Once in our new house, I hung out with the kid across the street. He was cooler than I was, so if I wanted to fit in, I had to keep up with his interests. It didn't help that he was super competitive. When he was into bikes, I got made fun of for having a "crappy bike". When I begged my parents for a better one, I got mocked for not being able to do the kinds of tricks that he could. His baseball cards were always better, his He Man collection was bigger than mine, he had better Nintendo games, and on. But, he paid attention to me, which felt way better than being ignored. Until, he got better friends that knew how to ride a skateboard. Suddenly, I wasn't needed. And from 4th grade, to 10th, I didn't have a single friend. Once Art came into the picture, I felt popular. He was that guy that all the girls wanted, and the guys wanted to be. The problem is, that no one would give me the time of day if he wasn't around. During my friendless years, I learned to play the drums, which was rare at our school, and since he played guitar... That was my purpose. But after he graduated (he was a grade above me), I was back to being a nobody. Until I met, who would turn out to be my wife. And she was the ONLY one who had never abandoned my for somebody else... Until last year, when she did for 6 months in the wake of my dad's passing... Where suddenly, she was "poly", and open to sleeping with other people, and it was my responsibility to "accept" that, and my fault for being hurt by it. Now, here I sit, approaching 40, having absolutely no idea what made me so unlikable for all of those years, and since my dad drilled it into my mind that friends didn't matter much, I still have little to no interest in finding anyone else to be close to, not that I would even know where to start. I found that one person who showed me loyalty for nearly 20 years, and just never felt that I deserved more... In fact, I didn't feel that I deserved her loyalty either. Maybe that was why I lost it in favor of Jersey's loyalty for that time.