Helping Secondary through big breakup

MyFickleHeart

MyFickleHeart

New member
Hello kind Poly folks!

Singer/songwriter. 5 years open +1 year poly with my primary/nesting partner (my fiance). Previously monogamous.

Been dating my secondary (we'll call him Ausman) for 10 months (long distance - Australia/Canada) and his primary (5 years) just broke up with him!

We’ve had such a perfect balance: in a new band together and just finished our 3rd tour (first with our new duo project), exploring poly together for the first time. We were both engaged to our primaries... living the dream. Seems like a match made in heaven!

My primary has been amazing with our new arrangement. Ausman's fiance had been really supportive of us too and enjoying poly (having other partners herself) but says she just fell out of love... she doesn't think it was poly that caused it to happen, but I think it was a part of it and I do feel some guilt (and fear of resentment). He is still very in love with her. it was a shock!

I want to know how best to support him (and myself). He's doing fairly well (very level headed and sweet as ever) but now the landscape is very different for us.

We had just decided to be "poly exclusive" or "polyfidelotous" (keep it to our two main relationships for now) and keep the music and touring going full speed ahead. We just said I love you for the first time two weeks ago!

He doesn't want to date anyone new anytime soon but I need to prepare myself for that... we’re so in love and have a deep connection but I worry we might be in limerence (or still have NRE) because the nature of our relationship is so intense.

Any words of wisdom?
 
Don't make promises not to date other people. People pop up at any time. If he wants some time out from dating, you can do that without making formal agreements that will only lead to someone feeling betrayed later on. Leave the monogamy to the monogamists as my partner says.
 
Hi MyFickleHeart,

It seems to me that this is one of the areas where an LDR is extra difficult. You know that Ausman is suffering, but he's so far away that there's nothing (or not much) you can do to help him. If you were there, you could bring him tea and a warm blanket, hug him and more, but from here the only thing you can offer is communication: phone calls and texts.

I suggest you tell him that you are here for him if he needs an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Anything he needs to tell you, you will hear him, and speak a kindly word to him. But also let him know that if he needs space, if he needs to not talk for a while, you will be understanding of that, and give him his space. This may be hard for you to do but try.

At the same time, take care of yourself. Don't let yourself get so caught up in helping Ausman that you forget to take care of yourself. Maybe *you* need tea and a warm blanket. Don't hesitate to supply yourself with whatever you need. This is a stressful time for you, you feel guilt and fear of resentment. You need to sooth your aching emotions.

Hang in there, and let us know how we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Leave the monogamy to the monogamists as my partner says.
Click to expand...

Polyfidelity isn't monogamy and it isn't making promises, necessarily. Polyfidelity is expressing a mutual interest in the current connections and feeling completely sated by them. Polyfidelity gave me a sense of peace because it meant that my BF and I were in agreement about what we wanted and it gave us emotional security. It was genuine, it wasn't a promise not to date others. Polysaturation is a real thing and lots of poly people feel completely satisfied with the partners who are in place. I know a lot of poly people for whom the perpetual open door policy is maddening. It can get to feeling more like dealing with an addiction than being in a relationship. One way is not better than the other. One is not "real poly" and the other not. What's important is that the partners are matched in what they want. Some poly people love and need that door to always be open. Some poly people love and need the emotional security of a finite circle. Choices made in freedom and mutuality are what matter.
 
Re: Polyfidelity

Thanks for your compassionate replies everyone <3
Thanks kdt - I totally agree and have been trying to follow your great advice. So far so good!

Yes FallenAngelina, you are absolutely right. One of the things I love about Poly is that there are many ethical ways to be in successful relationships and it differs depending on individual boundaries and agreements. There are many ways to make it work!

It can definitely also backfire to make "fidelity" promises because there are some things you just can't plan for. I never planned to have more than one serious partner at a time but then here I am! We gotta be real about this stuff but also, nothing wrong with stating our current preferences and finding a balance that feels good for everyone right now.

The hardest part for me (besides knowing he's going through such a tough time and I can't be there to comfort him) is dealing with my own insecurities. Things have been really good up to this point, and continue to be. We have a really good groove going in our LDR and have both felt really satisfied.

Before this breakup, I'll admit that I already had quite a bit of insecurity I was working through around him meeting someone else (he has shared similar feelings about me). He's a very out-going and attractive performer and I know him, so I know he has a high chance of meeting someone gorgeous and talented and falling for them.

When he had a nesting partner, I could take solace in the fact that (at least for the time being) he just didn't really have that much more free time and honestly not much need for anyone besides us! As singer-songwriters we need quite a bit of alone time to write and practice outside of our work and relationships.

Now I can't predict the future... and there's no point in living in it. I'm just trying to figure out how I'm gonna deal with him dating and falling in love with someone else while I'm all the way over here... possibly a new primary! I know he's deeply in love with me... I guess if he meets another singer/songwriter and falls in love that's just gonna be a tough one.

Current plan: just keep being my own gorgeous talented self and loving me and my partners through it. Haha

I'll keep you posted!
 
Sounds good MyFickle; I look forward to your updates. The simplest guess would be, that he had a primary, and that things were fine then; so, the simplest guess would be, that he'll want a primary again, and that things will be fine again after he finds one. Here's hoping!
 
Update

Hey all! I thought I'd update on this because it's been several months and things have stabilized. My partner handled his breakup very well and has maintained friendship with his former primary. We toured together for 2.5 months and agreed that our status was more like primaries than secondaries... or that we preferred not to define a hierarchy. Things have been good!

Unfortunately now, because of Covid-19 we have had to postpone our future tours (we had planned to tour every 2.5-3.5 months) until travel opens back up, which is hard. Thankfully we love to talk and message and create music together so that has helped for now. He hasn't dated anyone yet and is feeling happy with that but things could change if he meets the right person. He feels that he's not looking for another primary, as music and touring with me is his main goal right now.

We discovered that we both feel comfortable with the rule that we will specifically not date other singers/producers and that has eased a lot of the jealousy/worry about being "replaced" (which we both feel). I know that this arrangement may sound precarious to some but for now it feels comfortable for both of us. It's just hard not knowing when we will see each other next!

Just wanted to update for anyone who follows this thread and sending love and hugs to you all during these challenging times!
 
Hi MyFickle,

Thanks for that update. Sorry about Covid-19, that makes it hard for everyone. I guess it kind of makes it so no one can date anyone new. Or even anyone old, unless you live with them. And then you can only date them inside your home! Right?

I'm impressed with Ausman for how well he's handling everything. He's really taking it in stride! I think it's good to take a nonhierarchical approach to things, and I have no problem with your not-dating-other-singers/producers rule. Sort of like singers/producers are on your messy-persons list. No dating messy persons! Am I right?

Continue to let us know how things are going as your situation evolves. And hang in there until Covid-19 recedes!

With affection,
Kevin T.
 
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